Today, I was taken aback by this photo that came up in my memories. This photo was taken at the Red Cliff’s Lodge in Moab, UT, in April 2008. The cowboy next to me was a good friend of mine who worked there at the lodge. We went on vacation there for my birthday, and it was also a time for me to come up for air after I had two surgeries in December 2007 to remove a brain tumor. If my memory serves me right, the sweet horse who looks like he’s smelling my hair (I think at one point it felt like he was trying to chew it) might have been named Rebel. I regret I wasn’t able to ride him, but due to my physical state and still recovering from my surgeries, it was best that I didn’t take a chance.
I honestly don’t recognize myself because I was pale and very weak. I felt and looked like a shell of the person I once was. I was still trying to regain my mental and physical faculties, in addition to trying to process what had just transpired over the last four months. But those few days staying at the lodge were an escape from the reality I was in.
How I long for adventures and to visit places I’ve only read about. I can envision what I long to see so much so that I can touch it. That’s how real it appears in my mind. For now, I seek practical ways to escape and find my own peace and serenity by immersing myself in the creative flow of writing, painting, reading, or taking up gardening as a hobby. Whatever it is, I will continue to force myself to dive in headfirst because that’s where the magic lies, and I come alive.
This is a birthday gift I received from my sister. It arrived on March 28th. The second photo was taken on April 1st, and the last on April 13th. It requires no water or maintenance. I keep it indoors, by a window, so it can receive indirect light.
I’m not a green thumb by any means, but I tend to have better luck with indoor plants than I do with outdoor plants. Tending to my plants and my numerous attempts to grow outdoor plants still give me a sense of peace and calm. I can see my picture of the oasis that I would like to create in my backyard, and I know one day, it will come to fruition. In the meantime, I’m enjoying the peace I’m creating.
The tendency to overthink and replay conversations in my head is a gift that I am not proud of. I will tell myself to let it go, but it will take a couple of days (sometimes longer) before it is entirely out of my system. Recently, I had a conversation with someone, and I was bothered by a comment they made about another agency’s business decision. I decided it was best to keep my opinion to myself rather than voice my disagreement on the subject. I thought about the situation the following days and tried to figure out if I should share my concerns and, if so, how to go about it without upsetting them. I did not want to overstep my bounds, but I wanted to express how wrong it would be if they confronted the other agency about their business practices.
On the third day of mulling this over, I was in the shower, and a thought came out of the blue. It almost felt like an immediate release to some degree. I had a possible resolution that seemed plausible and a positive approach. I was prepared to use this idea as soon as I could communicate with them during our following conversation. When the day arrived, I had the opportunity to speak to them about another subject, and in the midst of this, they brought up the concern. They remedied it without them even knowing how I felt about it. It was as if they maybe thought about it further and came to a different conclusion. I was amazed and relieved that I did not have to bring it up. However, I will keep my idea in my back pocket if they change their mind and return to their original plan. I will be better prepared for a response!
I often question why I put myself through all the stress and wasted energy in such situations. Just recently, I was doing the same thing when I was awaiting the results of a couple of MRIs that the Neurologist had ordered. I knew in my heart that they were going to come out normal. Although, part of me was hoping they would show some sort of abnormality because I am in search of answers to my current health issues. So, in the days following the MRIs, I constantly checked the patient portal to see if the results were posted. What can I say? I am a glutton for punishment. I was ultimately contacted by the imaging center, and they provided me with the results before the Neurologist’s office contacted me. The results came out normal, yet I was disappointed that I was left with no answers. Granted, this was just the first step in this process with the Neurologist, but I hoped it would be a short process.
So here I am, beginning the next step in this journey. My hope is that I approach this one with a different mindset. It would be great if a resolution to this came to me in the shower. One can hope.
Here is my post from 3-13-25. This is a gift that just keeps giving because the words on this page continue to ring true. Ironically enough, I’m still experiencing the medical issues I made reference to in this post. I saw the Neurologist this week, and I left with no resolution and the feeling of running in circles. This post came up in my memories this morning, and it was a reminder to me that no matter what I face, my God will never leave me nor forsake me.
Through the years, I knew my mom liked to write notes while attending Bible study, Church sermons, and watching her favorite preachers on TV. I saved the ones I would come across and put them in some storage bins because I knew I wanted to keep them. After she passed in September 2023, I came across more writings on index cards or just random pieces of paper while going through her belongings. Just yesterday, I was cleaning my office space, moved my desk, and noticed that a small piece of paper had fallen behind it. I picked it up, and it was one of my mom’s writings. It took my breath away because the heading at the top stated, “When trouble comes against you, encourage yourself.”
I have been dealing with unexplained health issues that led me to an urgent care clinic visit, ER, and then ultimately admitted into the hospital three weeks ago. They performed a series of tests only to come up with no answers but more questions. I continue to experience the same symptoms from when this all began, and it feels like they are progressively getting worse. After a recent follow-up with my Primary Physician, she referred me to a Neurologist and a Rheumatologist. This is the next step in finding answers to my questions.
I remember seeing this particular piece of paper on my desk, but it was folded up, and for whatever reason, I hadn’t opened it, just moved it from one spot to another. I read it and began crying because I could hear my mom telling me this. After a couple of meltdowns on the phone with the insurance company and various medical offices, I was frustrated and broken. The timing of coming upon this note was nothing short of divine intervention because I needed this reminder and encouragement.
I will keep this note close to me as a reminder that although I am weak, He is strong and in control.
During the time I lived with and cared for mom and dad, we would pass the time doing puzzles. My dad enjoyed puzzles so much that he would do the same ones over and over. That got old, so when it was time to replenish our puzzle inventory, I would get on the computer and show him Amazon. I would search for his favorite brand of puzzles and only the 750-piece puzzles or less, nothing too big, plus we didn’t have the space for anything bigger. He would make his selections and would always be amazed at how fast it would arrive. I knew I had created a monster after showing him Amazon. From that point on, for his birthday, Christmas, or Father’s Day, I would tell my siblings to get him puzzles. Every time we completed a puzzle, he would say, ” Save it in the vault.” That meant for me to take a picture of it.
After he passed 3 years ago, I had no desire to look at a puzzle, much less do one. It was maybe a few months ago that I had picked up a few puzzles from the Dollar store, thinking maybe I would do them. I picked the smaller one of 100 pieces just to try it. I did it and saved it in the vault, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t until last night, after I had a bad day and was struggling physically from the after effects of a stressful situation earlier in the day, that I thought I should try to do another one and it’s a 350-piece puzzle. As I was gathering the border pieces, I got to a point where I hit a wall. Something wasn’t looking right in one section of the border, and I had used all the border pieces I could find with the same design. I was searching through all the pieces, thinking maybe I was overlooking some. I was getting more and more frustrated, hoping that I didn’t lose a piece somehow.
I could hear my dad telling me to use a flashlight or a magnifying glass (which is what we would do) to look over the pieces to make sure they actually go together. So I used the flashlight on my phone, combing over the part of the border that wasn’t meshing right. My dad had the patience for doing this, and it usually paid off, so I had to do it too. I can’t tell you how long I did this, and I would step back and look at it, but it seemed like over an hour. Until finally, I’m again looking over the picture on the box, and something gets my attention, and sure enough, I had quite a few pieces in the wrong spot. It’s like my dad was guiding me.
As you can see, I’m just starting out on this puzzle and still have pieces to put together. It reminds me of the pieces and parts of my life. More often than not, it can look like a pile of crap, and it doesn’t make any sense. How do I put the jigsaw puzzle of my life together? Why isn’t it meshing right? Why do I feel like I’m missing some pieces? Just like last night, when I could hear my dad guiding me along, I also have Jesus’ voice that I need to be open to listening to know what to do next. Only He knows how all these pieces and parts come together.
When it comes to serving others, it doesn’t always come at a convenient time. Often, it happens at the most inconvenient time, and it will catch you off guard. In my work experiences at the Sheriff’s Office, I would have to drop whatever task I was working on when my supervisors would request my attention on the fly, and I recall them calling these instances “blue light specials.” As soon as I heard my name being called out down the hall, I knew either I was in trouble, up for a blue light special, or both. My role as a caregiver to my parents was the same concept, except they weren’t called blue light specials. They were buckle up and be ready for anything because you never knew what you would face. I did my best to prepare for each day from morning to evening. I was all about preparation and trying to foresee what may or may not happen. Well, that didn’t always work so I had to learn to adapt and adjust.
Even though my role as a caregiver has since come to an end, I now find myself in a similar but different capacity with another special person in my life. It is not to the extent as it was with my parents. I don’t see myself in that role again because that was my calling to honor my father and mother in that role for that season, and I fulfilled my calling. This capacity, I speak of, is another way of serving: checking in on her, spending time with her, getting to know her once again, and being present with her. It’s an eye-opening experience because I have an overload of memories of her growing up, and I now see the person who is in front of me now and it is quite a change. I believe my time with my parents was, in a sense, preparing me for this journey. I recognize certain things I experienced with them and can identify and adjust accordingly in my interactions with her.
This morning, I was working when I received a message with a last-minute request to check on her. I thought it was an emergency, but I was assured it wasn’t urgent but needed to be done. My thoughts immediately went to this is not a convenient time, what if I wasn’t home, and on and on. When I arrived, I discovered the issue was resolved, and all was well. I immediately felt guilty for feeling the way I was because she was happy to see me even though we had just spent time together yesterday and she was in good spirits. While I was there, I discovered she took her medication and was eating. It may seem simple, but it carries so much more meaning to me and it feels good because I miss doing these simple things for mom and dad.
I have found that taking the focus off myself and helping others humbles me, brings a sense of peace to my spirit, and is a source of strength to help me deal with anything that I may be facing in my own life. I’ve learned to be ready because I never know when I’m going to be called up to do a blue light special.
Quite a bit has changed since this post from 1-28-22. The concept of waiting is still here, but I’m in a much better place. A physical key is not needed to start my day. I don’t drive, and I work remotely from home. If I have to be at any on-site job locations, I have transportation options available to me.
I wait in anticipation for what is about to be unlocked for me. What can I contribute, and what can I take from it? What can I share and what can I learn? Will I be prepared to face it, or will I have the impulse to run?
I do my best to control what is in my power, but oftentimes things are out of my hands. If it’s out of my reach and without my approval, all I can do is pray, let it go, and wait to see what unfolds next.
I feel like I have been fighting a battle for the last 7 months. It involves a loved one who has Alzheimer’s Disease, and since being diagnosed last year in early summer, it has progressed to the point where she needs to be cared for in an assisted living and memory care facility. The fact of the matter is that I am dumbfounded as to why there has been a delay in the process for this to happen. I have heard the explanations, but they do not make sense to me. Since I am not involved in her care or her power of attorney, I can only voice my concerns and suggestions, which often feel like they are falling on deaf ears.
It is difficult to watch a loved one slowly become a shell of who they once were. On the outside, they still look like themselves, but on the inside, their mind is deteriorating, and there is nothing that can stop it. What I prayed would not happen is now happening, and that is, she is wandering out of her house. I live close, and so far she remembers how to get to my house, but one day she won’t remember, and that is the scary part. What worries me is that she just walks out of her house without any identification. If someone were to come in contact with her, they won’t know who she is, and I honestly don’t know if she would be able to say. It depends on the moment and her mental state. There have been instances where I am not home, and somehow she makes it back to her house safely. Other instances when I am home, I walk her back to her house, and she often just leaves with her doors open, or if they are closed, they are unlocked. I can tell her not to leave the house and explain to her what my work schedule is and that I will not be home, but she soon forgets when I just told her.
Each time there is an incident, my only course of action is to notify her friend, who handles her care and who lives out of state, about what is happening. Aside from that, there is no plan of action in situations like this when her friend is not here visiting. I hate the feeling of helplessness, and I get frustrated when things are not happening as fast as I think they should be. So this is the ongoing battle that I face because I want to fix this problem, and I cannot. I do what I can to visit her, make sure she takes her medications, make her food, and enjoy our time together. If I can’t go visit, I will call or text her and hope she can work her phone at that moment.
I have been recently assured that the right decisions regarding her care will be made soon. In the meantime, I will do my best for her while she is home and continue to treasure my moments with her.
It’s time for me to stop battling, let go and give this to God.
I have always been into makeup ever since I can remember. Once I started middle school, that’s when I started to experiment with makeup, but I had to keep it a secret because my mom didn’t allow me to wear makeup at that time. I would have to wait until I got to school to put it on, and before I got home, I had to wash it off. I would get my inspiration from my friends at school and how they did their makeup and hair. I still remember to this day being fascinated by this one girl who had a cordless curling iron. I just thought that was the coolest thing!
Then, at the start of high school, I was given permission to wear makeup, so no more hiding! The fashion, makeup, and hair game had to be elevated. I tried my best to keep up with the trends, but unfortunately, I didn’t have the financial means, so I had to be creative with what I had. I remember my best friend got a spiral perm, and I wanted to be just like her, so I begged and begged my mom to take me to get one. She warned me that it wasn’t going to work and it wasn’t going to look like my friend’s hair. I finally convinced her to take me, and sure enough, she was right. My hair looked nothing like how I had pictured it would, and it looked more like Bob Ross, but shoulder-length. I learned my lesson, no more perms!
I had a guy who used to cut my hair all throughout high school who was a stylist at the nearby mall. I remember telling him I couldn’t wait until I graduated because I wanted to cut my hair short. My mom told me I could do whatever I wanted after I graduated. He would do hair shows, so he was ready to use me as a guinea pig. My hair at the time was about to the middle of my back. He would slowly start cutting it shorter until, eventually, after I graduated in 1989, we ended up with a short bob with an exaggerated angle in the back. I loved it, and I felt so free! This was only the beginning of my hair journey, and I continued to experiment with different styles, and at one point where I basically had a mohawk, but I wore it down because I was working and I had to look professional. I remember this one coworker of mine used to call me Baldy! He was just jealous because it was my choice, and he was balding at a young age.
Let’s not forget fashion! I had a friend who worked at JCPenney’s, and in the junior department, they had the Mix It brand. It was a combination of oversized neon color blazers, short miniskirts, palazzo pants, and big accessories to match. I think I spent my whole paycheck there. I wasn’t afraid to experiment with my fashion, and I felt so confident being bold and unapologetic with my hair, makeup, and fashion.
I still feel this way to this day, despite not having the opportunity to dress up anymore, since I don’t go out much, and I primarily work from home. I do still wear makeup and still find inspiration on several social media platforms. I love it because I will see a look that gets my attention, and I will do my best to copy it or do some variation of it. It all comes down to never stopping wanting to learn something new, being creative, and stepping out of my comfort zone.
I will even take it a step further to say that makeup can be very calming for me. When I’m not feeling quite myself or I’m having a hard time getting motivated in the mornings, I can start to do my skincare and makeup, and that will make all the difference. Even at the end of the day, when I remove my makeup and do my night skincare routine, I feel a peaceful vulnerability. A blank canvas.
I’ve mentioned before that the Thanksgiving season has never been the same for me ever since the passing of my dad three years ago. I choose to not be around people during that time and enjoy just being alone for the holiday. This year, I decided I shouldn’t be so selfish, so I spent the day with a relative who also lives alone and took some turkey breast and a couple of sides. I was reminded to be thankful not just during this season, but every day. I need to be more mindful of giving thanks upon waking up for having the breath of life, my health, and for my family and friends. To be thankful for my job instead of complaining that it’s not my ideal situation. To be grateful for the roof over my head that I’ve been blessed with to make my own home.
I recently purchased a futon for the guest room, and online it looked perfect, and it was the right price and within my budget. I also had to consider that I was going to have to pay an additional fee to have it assembled. After seeing it put together, I realized it wasn’t what I had expected, and I immediately saw the issues and began to feel uneasy about the purchase. I even went to Walmart and purchased a mattress topper in hopes I could make it work. Much to my dismay, the mattress topper is too big and literally hangs off quite a bit. So, now I need to go back and return the mattress topper for a smaller size. In the midst of this, I began to contemplate whether I should return it and how much of a hassle it would be. This evening, I got to the Walmart website and initiated a chat session and explained to the agent my situation, and inquired if I did a return, if it would be picked up. The catch was that the contractor who put it together took the box it came in. Well, the agent placed me on hold in the chat for a while as he consulted with a supervisor. He reported to me that they authorized a full refund, which included the purchase and the assembly fee, and that it wasn’t necessary to return the futon. I was beyond shocked and amazed at the service Walmart provided to me.
I have been going back and forth with guilt because I didn’t realize the actual layout of the bed portion of the futon before I purchased it, and I feared that I had made a mistake. I paid for this item that I’m not happy with, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve been stressed because I need to have something in the guest room before my family comes to stay in a couple of weeks. It has been a bit overwhelming, so after having the chat with Walmart, I felt so much more at ease and realized there is no need to waste any more energy stressing over this. Everything will be okay, and it will work out.
There is a scripture in the Bible that is one of my favorites, 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.” I just need to learn to release all of my guilt, worries, and fears to God and instead give thanks to Him for all he has done for me, and be thankful that He continues to show His love, goodness, and mercy upon me.
The World of Dlo 