The World of Dlo

In the years I’ve known you, I’ve never had a problem being totally honest with you and sharing whatever was going on in my life and mind. You never judged me, or if you did, you kept it to yourself, but I always managed to know when you disapproved of something I did or said. You were there for me multiple times, and I would end up in the ER or be admitted to the hospital. It was always a comfort to see you there, checking in on me. I’m sorry, I never saw you as more than a close friend.

It pains me that, over the last few years, you pulled away and stopped responding to my messages. Insight I wish I had into what and why. Of course, in hindsight, I wish I had pressed you more. Then that morning, when I woke up with you on my mind, I knew what you did before anyone else did. It didn’t make it any easier that I knew, other than after receiving the call, it was confirmation that my insight was true.

After being informed of events that transpired in your life before this, I see how you came to this decision, but yet still left with more questions. I’m left with an emotional rollercoaster of guilt, sadness, and anger. You always knew how to get me stirred up. You’ve left me at a loss for more words, so I painted this for you instead.

Through the years during my different work experiences, I have kept a list of things that I would observe that I hoped one day I would be able to incorporate into my own life. In those particular moments of observation, it wasn’t the right time or circumstances to entertain the thought of making those a part of my life. I would often get discouraged and feel like a failure because it felt like maybe I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or talented enough to pursue these goals for myself. I continued to make mental notes of these goals and hold them close to my heart because I had a feeling that maybe just maybe one day they would happen.

It is easy to get caught up with life and your responsibilities that your dreams and goals for yourself get pushed aside. You can even feel a sense of guilt for thinking of yourself. This has been me for the past 5 years but I have also had a sense that this journey has been a preparation for what is ahead to bring those goals to life. All I will say at this point is today was the first day that I can see a portion of my goals coming to fruition. I will continue to pray and believe that everything will fall into place in God’s time.

Tear me up into pieces and put me in a planter. Throw dirt, pour water, and watch me drown. Keep watch as I settle down.

Far below, I’m spread thin; it’s dark and cold. Am I alone? How long do I lie down until I rot or grow?

Put me by a window so I can peek, or put me outside in line with the sun’s eyes. I can’t tell you what to do, but just watch what I can and cannot do.

Out of the darkness, I will rise. Grow through what you go through, just open your eyes.

I have a confession to make. I have a fear of painting on a real canvas. I started dabbling with painting two years ago, and since I never really painted before, I felt more comfortable painting on paper. Then I moved onto pieces of cardboard, and recently I started using envelopes. I have blank canvases, but have yet to use them.

I know when I have second thoughts about something I want to do or if I’m doubting myself and my abilities, my first thought is if I can do a rough draft. That way, there is no commitment, no pressure, and it can be modified or not executed at all. Those thoughts often play in my head like a tennis match.

If you happen to receive a paper, piece of cardboard, or envelope with some random painting on it, well, you will know why.

Something I read today brought back this memory to me. I wrote this back in 2019, and I still stand behind this to this day. You honestly can’t go wrong with a fort and homemade tortillas.

Today, my brother was sharing a memory of the day my sister was born and how my mom dropped him and my other brother off at my grandmother’s house while she was on her way to the hospital. They passed the time playing and building forts, and remembered another reason why it was so much fun, because my grandmother had made homemade tortillas and a pot of beans. It brought back memories of when I was little and would often build forts with two or more chairs and put a couple of sheets or blankets over them. I would also go underneath the kitchen table if I wanted a bigger fort. I also had my other special hiding place in my closet, where there was this little teeny tiny space off to the side where you could crawl onto a shelf behind my clothes. I would visit that space quite often to escape whatever scared me, whether real or imaginary. I felt safe and secure in my forts and closet where no one could see me, and I was invisible to the world as if for that moment I didn’t exist.

Today, I really needed a fort to escape what was before me. I wanted to run into my closet and hide from reality. It’s challenging when you’re dealing with other people’s emotions, fears, joys, pains, struggles, etc., when you have your own to process and deal with. I guess this may be how it feels when you have children. You want to fix everything, make everything right, take away anything that may cause them harm, keep them safe, and have control. When I was little, I could get away with hiding to escape, and when I was ready to face life again, I came out. It didn’t take very long because I was claustrophobic. Then all was well with the world until I got scared again, and then back to the closet I went. I spent a lot of time alone, so that hiding place was my friend. As a child, it was so easy for me to hide, and I honestly felt like it solved all my problems, no matter how big or small. As an adult, it’s not so easy. I have responsibilities not only to myself but to others, and I can’t afford to hide or escape. I’m recognizing that as I’ve gotten older, it’s harder to face certain things that never used to bother me before. It’s a scary feeling when you come to terms with this reality and how your mind can deceive you at times. I think for me now that I’m recognizing this, I can deal with it without any shame because I know that I’m not alone. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but all things are possible through Christ Jesus, who strengthens me.

I was physically, mentally, and emotionally drained from today’s events. No need to share at this time what took place, but despite the information overload, questions, frustrations, doubt, and taking extra steroids to deal with all this, it was still a good day, and I’m grateful for how things played out. I even found time to laugh in the midst of this.

I can’t do what I used to do and hide out in my forts or closet anymore (or can I?) to escape reality and close out the world, but I can make myself some homemade tortillas and a pot of beans!

This time capsule in a notebook from 1952 is written by Santos, my dad when he was 16 years old. This was one of the keepsakes he held onto over all these years. I decided if it was special enough for him to keep, I will do the same out of respect. It looks like it may have been from a classes that ranged from electrical engineering, physical science, and automotive. It contains his statements, materials (some drawings), methods, observations, and conclusions on each of his demonstrations. It was written in pencil and the pages are stained yellow, but still pretty clear to read despite the wear and tear.

My dad enjoyed reading different types of books and writing as he studied the various subjects that interested him. That is one of the main reasons why I have kept it along with his other composition books he wrote in over the years. It’s my connection to him and love we shared.

It’s interesting because I have only seen my dad write in block print that was so perfect that at times it looked like it was typed. In this notebook, he wrote in cursive and as you can see from one of the above photos, he wrote his name in cursive. If you see how he wrote his name on the outside of the notebook, that is how I always saw his writing unless he was signing something that required his signature.

I get a nostalgic feeling as I read his writings of any kind. I feel like I’m carrying on something we both loved in hopes of keeping our connection alive.

Today, I was taken aback by this photo that came up in my memories. This photo was taken at the Red Cliff’s Lodge in Moab, UT, in April 2008. The cowboy next to me was a good friend of mine who worked there at the lodge. We went on vacation there for my birthday, and it was also a time for me to come up for air after I had two surgeries in December 2007 to remove a brain tumor. If my memory serves me right, the sweet horse who looks like he’s smelling my hair (I think at one point it felt like he was trying to chew it) might have been named Rebel. I regret I wasn’t able to ride him, but due to my physical state and still recovering from my surgeries, it was best that I didn’t take a chance.

I honestly don’t recognize myself because I was pale and very weak. I felt and looked like a shell of the person I once was. I was still trying to regain my mental and physical faculties, in addition to trying to process what had just transpired over the last four months. But those few days staying at the lodge were an escape from the reality I was in.

How I long for adventures and to visit places I’ve only read about. I can envision what I long to see so much so that I can touch it. That’s how real it appears in my mind. For now, I seek practical ways to escape and find my own peace and serenity by immersing myself in the creative flow of writing, painting, reading, or taking up gardening as a hobby. Whatever it is, I will continue to force myself to dive in headfirst because that’s where the magic lies, and I come alive.

This is a birthday gift I received from my sister. It arrived on March 28th. The second photo was taken on April 1st, and the last on April 13th. It requires no water or maintenance. I keep it indoors, by a window, so it can receive indirect light.

I’m not a green thumb by any means, but I tend to have better luck with indoor plants than I do with outdoor plants. Tending to my plants and my numerous attempts to grow outdoor plants still give me a sense of peace and calm. I can see my picture of the oasis that I would like to create in my backyard, and I know one day, it will come to fruition. In the meantime, I’m enjoying the peace I’m creating.

The tendency to overthink and replay conversations in my head is a gift that I am not proud of. I will tell myself to let it go, but it will take a couple of days (sometimes longer) before it is entirely out of my system. Recently, I had a conversation with someone, and I was bothered by a comment they made about another agency’s business decision. I decided it was best to keep my opinion to myself rather than voice my disagreement on the subject. I thought about the situation the following days and tried to figure out if I should share my concerns and, if so, how to go about it without upsetting them. I did not want to overstep my bounds, but I wanted to express how wrong it would be if they confronted the other agency about their business practices.

On the third day of mulling this over, I was in the shower, and a thought came out of the blue. It almost felt like an immediate release to some degree. I had a possible resolution that seemed plausible and a positive approach. I was prepared to use this idea as soon as I could communicate with them during our following conversation. When the day arrived, I had the opportunity to speak to them about another subject, and in the midst of this, they brought up the concern. They remedied it without them even knowing how I felt about it. It was as if they maybe thought about it further and came to a different conclusion. I was amazed and relieved that I did not have to bring it up. However, I will keep my idea in my back pocket if they change their mind and return to their original plan. I will be better prepared for a response!

I often question why I put myself through all the stress and wasted energy in such situations. Just recently, I was doing the same thing when I was awaiting the results of a couple of MRIs that the Neurologist had ordered. I knew in my heart that they were going to come out normal. Although, part of me was hoping they would show some sort of abnormality because I am in search of answers to my current health issues. So, in the days following the MRIs, I constantly checked the patient portal to see if the results were posted. What can I say? I am a glutton for punishment. I was ultimately contacted by the imaging center, and they provided me with the results before the Neurologist’s office contacted me. The results came out normal, yet I was disappointed that I was left with no answers. Granted, this was just the first step in this process with the Neurologist, but I hoped it would be a short process.

So here I am, beginning the next step in this journey. My hope is that I approach this one with a different mindset. It would be great if a resolution to this came to me in the shower. One can hope.

Here is my post from 3-13-25. This is a gift that just keeps giving because the words on this page continue to ring true. Ironically enough, I’m still experiencing the medical issues I made reference to in this post. I saw the Neurologist this week, and I left with no resolution and the feeling of running in circles. This post came up in my memories this morning, and it was a reminder to me that no matter what I face, my God will never leave me nor forsake me.

Through the years, I knew my mom liked to write notes while attending Bible study, Church sermons, and watching her favorite preachers on TV. I saved the ones I would come across and put them in some storage bins because I knew I wanted to keep them. After she passed in September 2023, I came across more writings on index cards or just random pieces of paper while going through her belongings. Just yesterday, I was cleaning my office space, moved my desk, and noticed that a small piece of paper had fallen behind it. I picked it up, and it was one of my mom’s writings. It took my breath away because the heading at the top stated, “When trouble comes against you, encourage yourself.”

I have been dealing with unexplained health issues that led me to an urgent care clinic visit, ER, and then ultimately admitted into the hospital three weeks ago. They performed a series of tests only to come up with no answers but more questions. I continue to experience the same symptoms from when this all began, and it feels like they are progressively getting worse. After a recent follow-up with my Primary Physician, she referred me to a Neurologist and a Rheumatologist. This is the next step in finding answers to my questions.

I remember seeing this particular piece of paper on my desk, but it was folded up, and for whatever reason, I hadn’t opened it, just moved it from one spot to another. I read it and began crying because I could hear my mom telling me this. After a couple of meltdowns on the phone with the insurance company and various medical offices, I was frustrated and broken. The timing of coming upon this note was nothing short of divine intervention because I needed this reminder and encouragement.

I will keep this note close to me as a reminder that although I am weak, He is strong and in control.