I did not know how much this place meant to me until it was no longer part of me and the family members who once lived there were gone. This was my grandparent’s house and when they passed, it became my aunt’s house. In my mind, I truly believed she would always be there until she moved out of state this year. This home was full of love, laughter, stories, and everything in between. There was plenty of yard both in front and back that you had plenty of space to run around and play. It was always fun playing hide and seek there because the options were endless. If you were crazy enough, you could hide in the chicken coops during hide and seek.
When we were younger all the way up to present, every time we were in a vehicle and would pass the street that leads down to the house, without even thinking everyone turns their head to look at the house. I do not know why we did that. Maybe it was just to make sure it was still there.
This home may no longer be a part of our family or look like it was did, but the memories will never fade away.
A couple of days ago I woke up to a rash along edges of my face along my hairline and behind my ears down to my neck. I could not figure out where this came from and kept going through a series of questions if I used anything different as far as skincare and products. My first thoughts were it was either a new set of facial towels I purchased or a hair product I used that I had not used in a while. I eliminated the facial towels because the rash did not appear on my face just around it. So, I then remembered I did not like the hair pomade I used the day before because it felt greasy and itchy. So, I narrowed down the culprit.
In the meantime, I put Benadryl cream on the areas of inflammation and went about my day. Luckily, I was not feeling any itchiness or discomfort so I just went about my day thinking the cream would clear it up before I had to go to work the next day. Upon waking up the next day, I saw the rash not only spread down to the front of my neck, but it now felt itchy and hot. Obviously, the cream did not help so I decided to call my Primary doctor for advice and to see if she could prescribe something stronger. Her office suggested that I go to an urgent care clinic just to be safe, especially since it was spreading and I was starting to feel different symptoms.
I went to the clinic and sure enough the doctor confirmed it was allergic contact dermatitis which was caused by the hair product due to the location of the rash. The doctor then gave me a steroid shot and said the itchiness should stop within an hour or so and the rash within the next couple of days. I mentioned that I have Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency and I am steroid dependent. I take a regular daily dosage of Hydrocortisone so with this additional shot of another steroid, the doctor mentioned that I should hold off on my regular steroid just for the day. I laughed it off because I cannot be without my steroids because I can experience an Adrenal Crisis and it could become a serious matter. I made the decision that even though I received the steroid dosage, I was going to continue my normal routine of taking my oral steroids.
After an hour of returning home from the clinic, I took my Hydrocortisone pill and within the hour, I began to feel weak, fatigued, hot, and had a headache. I figured it was the effects of the steroid shot and just laid down and rested on the couch the rest of the day. It seemed like I was feeling worse by the hour, and I took my last Hydrocortisone pill early in the evening. Not even an hour after that, I was beginning to feel like I should check my blood pressure (which is always low and normal) and sure enough it was elevated more than usual for me. I then conducted a search for this steroid and much to my surprise, I saw that it is a strong prescription steroid. Then it dawned on me, that was why the doctor suggested that I hold off on my Hydrocortisone for the day. So, it was an overdose of steroids, and my body was reacting to it. I even asked members of Adrenal Insufficiency support groups that I am a part of and they confirmed the same thing that the combination of the two steroids was why I was feeling so bad. I continued to monitor my blood pressure, which eventually went down, and I rested and prayed I would be okay.
Today, I woke up feeling a little better and the rash has cleared up. I resumed my Hydrocortisone and started taking Tylenol for the headaches. I have had to take a couple of naps due to still feeling weak and fatigued so that helped. I have managed to keep myself busy today and completed a couple of projects around the house to take my mind off not feeling well. It is a hard lesson that I learned and as soon as doctor stated to hold off on my steroids, I should have asked questions about what she meant. I should know better because with my Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency, no medical situation no matter how small it is simple. This disease is extraordinarily complex and can complicate the simplest of things.
This disease requires daily management because any undue stress good or bad can affect my body and how it responds. I take my normal daily dosage of Hydrocortisone just to function on a normal day. If I experience any illness, emergency, medical procedure, or stress (good or bad), then I need to increase my steroid dosages accordingly depending on the situation. I am blessed and grateful to be alive because I have encountered way too many situations where my life was hanging in balance due to experiencing an adrenal crisis.
I was temporarily out of order, but it is a constant reminder that no matter what I am experiencing, God is always with me.
How to define the past eight months is going to take longer to put into words, much less on paper. Maybe eight more months to gather my thoughts. I have a bunch of thoughts, dreams, ideas, frustrations, wonders, etc. If I wrote them down, I would have plenty of stories, a book, a blog, etc.
Where do I start? Why am I writing this in pencil? I never write in pencil. Maybe I was thinking that if I did not like what I wrote, I could erase it? Erase any mistakes so that no one could see any trace? Only I would know where the mistakes were. I could erase and start over. Some erasers work better than others. There are always some remnants of what was once there; it just depends on the eraser. It also depends on how big of a mistake it is. Some are better than others at covering them up.
What is on my pages? A page in my book consists of a storyline, plot, laughter, friends, enemies, truth, lies, honesty, in your face. All the above, and let us not forget blood, sweat, tears, and fears. Can’t forget that it is the meat of it.
I often suffer from pent-up energy, and I fall into the trap of not knowing how to release it. Not physical energy (unfortunately), but more mental, where I have thoughts, ideas, and times when I’m trying to process the events of the day, week, month, etc. Then I think, well, why not write about it? I guess this is me starting that.
Two months ago, I wrote a prayer in my journal asking God to give my boss wisdom in the decisions she makes for the company and to help the business continue to grow. Within the last few months, I have felt like I wanted to level up in my position and take on more responsibilities, but wasn’t sure how that would come about. I would think to myself that maybe I would bring it up to my boss when business starts to pick up more, and then it would make more sense. In my eyes, it didn’t seem like the right time to present my intent, so I just put it off. It’s funny how things can change before your eyes.
Over the last three weeks, my boss has made some decisions that have impacted our company’s visibility on social media and provided more business opportunities. With this being said, this opened up the conversation regarding my position and my responsibilities. I’m excited about this new venture and how it is pushing me to step out of my comfort zone, especially when it comes to posting content on our social media outlets and getting in front of the camera. It’s also challenging me to learn new skills that can be beneficial in the business administrative side of things.
I’m still sorting through everything in my headspace, so for now it’s to be continued.
This is an update to my original post, Let Go on 1-15-26. I’m not sure where to begin with this, but rest assured that the events that have transpired from then to now have made me feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster ride of my life. I admit that the struggle is real when it comes to not offering my opinion, suggestions, or demands when I’m looking in on the outside of a disaster waiting to happen, especially if it involves a loved one. As I had mentioned in my previous post, this involved a loved one who has Alzheimer’s disease.
Within two weeks of my last post, my aunt was moved out of state to live with her friend so that she could care for her full-time. I had my reservations regarding this decision and had wished she would have stayed here and been placed in an Assisted Living/Memory Care facility, but again, it was not my decision to make. My feelings came from a place of not wanting to completely be separated from my aunt. It was difficult to watch her leave, and I felt like I had failed her in some way because I couldn’t step in and care for her myself.
In the months following, I was kept apprised of how my aunt was adjusting or not adjusting to her new surroundings, depending on the day. If you have ever spent any time with an individual with Alzheimer’s Disease, things can change from minute to minute, hour to hour, etc. It was three months after she moved out of state into her friend’s home that the decision was made to place her into an Assisted Living/Memory Care facility. I was relieved that she was finally going to be cared for by medically trained staff who are familiar with Alzheimer’s Disease. I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my heart, and I could breathe a little easier knowing she was in a safe place.
I’ve had numerous opportunities to speak with my aunt on the phone when her friend visits her. She even sent me a video of her singing and dancing in the dining room, which just brought me to tears of joy! She looks happy, healthy, and adjusting to her new home. This is all I wanted for my aunt, and I’m grateful my prayers were answered.
It’s a constant battle wanting to hold onto situations that I want to fix and control, thinking that I know better. The reality is that I don’t, and I just need to let go and let God.
In the years I’ve known you, I’ve never had a problem being totally honest with you and sharing whatever was going on in my life and mind. You never judged me, or if you did, you kept it to yourself, but I always managed to know when you disapproved of something I did or said. You were there for me multiple times, and I would end up in the ER or be admitted to the hospital. It was always a comfort to see you there, checking in on me. I’m sorry, I never saw you as more than a close friend.
It pains me that, over the last few years, you pulled away and stopped responding to my messages. Insight I wish I had into what and why. Of course, in hindsight, I wish I had pressed you more. Then that morning, when I woke up with you on my mind, I knew what you did before anyone else did. It didn’t make it any easier that I knew, other than after receiving the call, it was confirmation that my insight was true.
After being informed of events that transpired in your life before this, I see how you came to this decision, but yet still left with more questions. I’m left with an emotional rollercoaster of guilt, sadness, and anger. You always knew how to get me stirred up. You’ve left me at a loss for more words, so I painted this for you instead.
Through the years during my different work experiences, I have kept a list of things that I would observe that I hoped one day I would be able to incorporate into my own life. In those particular moments of observation, it wasn’t the right time or circumstances to entertain the thought of making those a part of my life. I would often get discouraged and feel like a failure because it felt like maybe I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or talented enough to pursue these goals for myself. I continued to make mental notes of these goals and hold them close to my heart because I had a feeling that maybe just maybe one day they would happen.
It is easy to get caught up with life and your responsibilities that your dreams and goals for yourself get pushed aside. You can even feel a sense of guilt for thinking of yourself. This has been me for the past 5 years but I have also had a sense that this journey has been a preparation for what is ahead to bring those goals to life. All I will say at this point is today was the first day that I can see a portion of my goals coming to fruition. I will continue to pray and believe that everything will fall into place in God’s time.
I have a confession to make. I have a fear of painting on a real canvas. I started dabbling with painting two years ago, and since I never really painted before, I felt more comfortable painting on paper. Then I moved onto pieces of cardboard, and recently I started using envelopes. I have blank canvases, but have yet to use them.
I know when I have second thoughts about something I want to do or if I’m doubting myself and my abilities, my first thought is if I can do a rough draft. That way, there is no commitment, no pressure, and it can be modified or not executed at all. Those thoughts often play in my head like a tennis match.
If you happen to receive a paper, piece of cardboard, or envelope with some random painting on it, well, you will know why.
Something I read today brought back this memory to me. I wrote this back in 2019, and I still stand behind this to this day. You honestly can’t go wrong with a fort and homemade tortillas.
Today, my brother was sharing a memory of the day my sister was born and how my mom dropped him and my other brother off at my grandmother’s house while she was on her way to the hospital. They passed the time playing and building forts, and remembered another reason why it was so much fun, because my grandmother had made homemade tortillas and a pot of beans. It brought back memories of when I was little and would often build forts with two or more chairs and put a couple of sheets or blankets over them. I would also go underneath the kitchen table if I wanted a bigger fort. I also had my other special hiding place in my closet, where there was this little teeny tiny space off to the side where you could crawl onto a shelf behind my clothes. I would visit that space quite often to escape whatever scared me, whether real or imaginary. I felt safe and secure in my forts and closet where no one could see me, and I was invisible to the world as if for that moment I didn’t exist.
Today, I really needed a fort to escape what was before me. I wanted to run into my closet and hide from reality. It’s challenging when you’re dealing with other people’s emotions, fears, joys, pains, struggles, etc., when you have your own to process and deal with. I guess this may be how it feels when you have children. You want to fix everything, make everything right, take away anything that may cause them harm, keep them safe, and have control. When I was little, I could get away with hiding to escape, and when I was ready to face life again, I came out. It didn’t take very long because I was claustrophobic. Then all was well with the world until I got scared again, and then back to the closet I went. I spent a lot of time alone, so that hiding place was my friend. As a child, it was so easy for me to hide, and I honestly felt like it solved all my problems, no matter how big or small. As an adult, it’s not so easy. I have responsibilities not only to myself but to others, and I can’t afford to hide or escape. I’m recognizing that as I’ve gotten older, it’s harder to face certain things that never used to bother me before. It’s a scary feeling when you come to terms with this reality and how your mind can deceive you at times. I think for me now that I’m recognizing this, I can deal with it without any shame because I know that I’m not alone. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but all things are possible through Christ Jesus, who strengthens me.
I was physically, mentally, and emotionally drained from today’s events. No need to share at this time what took place, but despite the information overload, questions, frustrations, doubt, and taking extra steroids to deal with all this, it was still a good day, and I’m grateful for how things played out. I even found time to laugh in the midst of this.
I can’t do what I used to do and hide out in my forts or closet anymore (or can I?) to escape reality and close out the world, but I can make myself some homemade tortillas and a pot of beans!
The World of Dlo 