I moved to Breckenridge Colorado over 20 years ago. I had only visited once before and that was only two months prior when I made the decision to move there. I was excited about this new adventure, but also at the same time I felt anxiety over being in these new surroundings so far from home. When I had visited before, I had learned that there was a Breckenridge Town bus and Trolley and there was also the Summit Stage bus that serviced all of Summit County and the best part was that it was free! I sold my car before I moved there so the bus was my main means of transportation. It enabled me to meet new people and build friendships and a couple of those that lead to relationships. I had my favorite town drivers that went out of their way to help me when I would have groceries, they would drop me off closer to my destination than they were supposed to. I got to know each of my regular drivers and would often hang out with them outside of the bus setting. I had one driver that every time I got on her bus, we would end up having these long conversations and more times than not therapy sessions for me! I would stay on her bus longer than I was supposed to just so we could finish what we were talking about! She was so easy to talk to and one of my favorite memories is in the summertime we would hang out at her house and go sunbathing. We often hung out at the local dive bars and play pool.
So there was a bus driver that I had met that I became involved with shortly after meeting him. It was a complete surprise to me because at first, I didn’t like him and I was intimidated by him. He was a no nonsense, sarcastic, brutally honest guy that didn’t hold back in telling you what he thought. He was also overly confident and cocky at times. He was always nice to me but there was just something about him that would get under my skin and I couldn’t figure him out. There was this one night on my way home from work I was on his bus, and I was the only passenger. We were at a bus stop, and he had some time to kill before going to the next stop and we ended up having an interesting conversation and I began to see another side of him. I clearly remember It was a beautiful evening and behind where he was sitting was the moon shining so bright it was enhancing his shadow. He was a tall guy and he reminded me of a football player with his stature and he almost seemed larger than life. All I could see was his eyes and they were piercing. It was that moment that opened the door to us having a friend with benefits relationship. I was in a vulnerable state after my own previous toxic relationship. I was desperate for some attention and assurance that I was wanted, and he was looking to have fun with no strings attached. He provided what I needed at that time, and he was getting what he wanted so it was a win-win for both of us. As time went on, I began to have second thoughts on how long I was willing to take this arrangement. Although I wasn’t seeing anyone while I was with him, I knew I obviously wasn’t the only one he was involved with but when I got the impression that he was with his roommate too, whom I saw all the time, that got to me. It wasn’t long after that we were out and about running errands and on his radio the song American Woman (the Lenny Kravitz version) came on and I remember thinking to myself that I had never heard him sing like that before. You would think he was doing Karaoke or something. Well, that was a premonition of what was to come. He ended things with me shortly after. I can’t remember his speech on why, but I was nonetheless hurt. I still to this day can’t stand that song. In all honesty, I never liked the original either.
Okay one last bus driver story I promise. This driver I had also met when I first moved to Summit County. He wasn’t as outgoing as the other drivers, but he was always helpful and nice. He usually had NPR on his radio and always seemed pensive and deep in thought. It didn’t seem like he was even interested in talking to me so I would keep to myself and waited for him to initiate any conversation. He was a man of very few words but when he did talk, he was always entertaining and would often be sarcastic and funny. When he would smile, his face would light up. I don’t know if I ever told him that, but I wish I had. Slowly but surely, he would talk to me more and then one day out of the blue, he asked me out. I was kind of taken aback and wondered to myself, are you talking to me? The more I got to know him the more I began to realize there was much more to this guy I wanted to see. He was a sweet guy with a good heart. I had a few of my friends question me on why I was seeing him because we were so different but as you know opposites do attract and this was a prime example of that. I was attracted to him in so many ways that I can’t explain. I even still remember the first time we kissed. It was shortly after we started officially seeing each other and we hadn’t even slept together yet and this one day I was dropping him off at his friend’s house and before he walked away, I reached out and grabbed his hoodie and pulled him to me and just laid one on him. I could feel the passion between us. I can’t say I had ever felt that with anyone else before that moment. At times he seemed like an old soul trapped in a young man’s body in just his mannerisms and random things he would say. One of the sweetest things he did for me was let me borrow his truck to run errands and get groceries while he was at work. The CD player in his truck was broken at the time and there was one CD that was stuck inside it so the only thing to listen to was the Papa Roach Infest album. I thank him for that because that was the first time I heard of them, and I’ve been a fan of them ever since. I remember on the days I worked the morning shift, I would walk by his house on my way to the bus stop, and I would always stop by to see him before I went into work. He would be sleeping but I would just lay down next to him to just feel him next to me. Between the time the relationship with the previous driver ended and the start of this one, I was still dealing with the guy from the previous bad relationship that never seemed to leave me alone and only continued to haunt and torture me. So again, this guy was like a safety net and comfort for me. This relationship was short lived and I’ll never forget him using the line “It’s not you, it’s me”. I was still trying to rebuild myself emotionally and my self esteem was at it’s lowest. I was again hoping this relationship would rescue me. I do give him credit because he was honest with me that he had his own issues he was dealing with and wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I still would see him around town, and we would say hi and the usual small talk but unfortunately, it was awkward. I still had moments when I wished I could reach out and kiss him again like the first time. He was the last bus driver I dated. Bus drivers were officially off the list!
So, how bout we move onto musicians? Okay, just one. A mutual friend introduced us and when I first laid eyes on him it was as if the heavens opened, and I could hear the angels singing in the background. I mean seriously. Physically, he was everything I had put together in my mind as my perfect man. The package on the outside was everything I wanted, but the inside contents showed a troubled soul. In the beginning, I was the one being pursued and showered with attention. It was a quite the change from my previous experiences and I loved it. But of course, all good things must come to an end. I began to notice a change in his behavior and I started to feel like I was a yo-yo. One minute he was interested in spending time with me and hanging out and the next he would ignore me and push me away. He was literally just stringing me along. I would always get these mixed signals and never really knew where I stood. This was another friend with benefits relationship or more like an acquaintance with benefits because I never really felt like he opened up to me. He had these walls that you couldn’t break and he always seemed to have his guard up. Nothing happened unless it was convenient for him, so I had to wait for him to contact me to hang out. I was so stupid and naïve that I kept thinking that I could convince him that we could have a real relationship and that I could somehow save him. I’m honestly not sure how this relationship ended. I don’t remember any type of explanation given or any closure. It just literally dissolved. All along I kept going through all these scenarios of what I did wrong and how I failed in this relationship, etc. It wasn’t until after this point that a mutual acquaintance had provided some explanation into what may have happened. It at least gave me some comfort and shed some light on the situation. It was still unfortunate that it didn’t come straight from him.
These relationships provided some insight into myself that I found disappointing, humiliating, and sad. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I didn’t recognize what I had allowed myself to become. It was because of my lack of confidence and self-esteem and I allowed myself to be controlled by others. My self-worth revolved around my relationships. I needed to be in a relationship because I was afraid to be alone. No matter the cost. I mentioned the term troubled soul earlier. Well, I was the troubled soul and as the old song goes looking for love in all the wrong places well that was the story of my life at the time and the results were obvious. There were random relationships that followed where I found myself in several compromising situations that I’m ashamed of. It’s by the grace of God that I came out of those situations without being seriously hurt. Through it all, I walked away with some physical, emotional, and mental scars and learned some hard life lessons, but it made me re-evaluate myself and make a promise to not repeat the same pattern and mistakes.
Did I keep that promise? Well, that’s another story to be continued.
The World of Dlo 