Pause

At the end of January, both mom and I tested positive for COVID. This was the first time for both of us. I had been vaccinated and boosted but mom had not been vaccinated. Needless to say, I was more worried about her and how it was going to affect her. It was one of my worse nightmares to know that mom had contracted this and it was me who brought it home. I felt overwhelmed with guilt because I’m not sure where I contracted it. These past two years I have always done my best to be cautious, wore my mask, constantly used hand wipes and hand sanitizer, etc. While we were sick, I found myself still wearing gloves and a mask in my own house. I was also spraying Lysol and cleaning with bleach all over the place like I was in a fight for my life. I think what made it so much more challenging was that I couldn’t take care of myself or rest when I desperately needed to because I had to take care of mom, make meals, clean, do laundry, etc. I was literally coming apart, but I increased my steroid medication to avoid any adrenal crises and hospital visits. By the grace of God that worked. Mom’s Hospice nurse was able to come out and check on her so that was a comfort and we were able to avoid her going to the hospital too. It was three weeks before the symptoms started to taper off and now it’s just a few lingering symptoms that are still with mom.

During the time we were sick, the caregiver provider service could not send any caregivers to the house so even though I was getting better if mom was still sick, I was unable to go to work. The interesting thing is that it forced me to take a pause and brought some clarity to some decisions I was struggling to make. These past three months have been a whirlwind of juggling the aftermath of my father’s death which includes the legal paperwork, having to make the necessary notifications, sorting, packing, and storing his belongings, and most importantly, seeing how this was affecting mom. This was something I wasn’t prepared for. They were married 67 years and knew each other since grade school. I just couldn’t begin to imagine what she was thinking or feeling. So she’s struggling with being sick and grieving for dad. This was one thing I couldn’t fix much less understand. I had been working part-time for the past year and dad would be here with mom while I was at work, so I didn’t have to worry about her. Then out of the left field, I get hit with a curve ball and dad starts declining. It was two weeks before he passed that dad was placed in Hospice care and I started using the caregiver service for the time I was at work. It was Thanksgiving weekend when he passed and I continued to use the caregiver service while I continued to work. I just knew after the first of the year I was going to need to make some changes to my work schedule but honestly didn’t know how because it was going to hurt me financially. I just kept putting it off then we got COVID and then I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. I had to set aside my worries and just take a leap of faith. It was no question, I needed to be here more for mom, and with her symptoms of COVID still lingering and other issues coming up, it was the right decision to make. It felt like part of a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

It was hard to see mom as sick as she was and it wasn’t that we hadn’t been down this road before with mom, but this was unfamiliar ground and different circumstances that we needed to consider. So I’m still unclear as to what is on the other side of this, but I do my best to press pause as needed.