Starting Over Pt 2

Here is the continuation from my previous post, Starting Over Pt 1.

It’s funny that after I did my first post, Starting Over Pt 1, I received a surprise phone call a couple of days later. It was him. My heart stopped, and my jaw fell to the ground. I was quiet and didn’t know what to say. He asked me if I had the title to his truck, and I told him, for whatever reason, instead of shredding it, I had a feeling I needed to save it. He told me he would text me his address and asked me to mail it to him. He then asked me how I was. I kept my response short but made it clear that I was doing better than ever. I was working with a personal trainer, my health was great, I sold my truck, and redecorated the apartment. I asked him how he was. He was never one to like talking on the phone, so his response was even shorter than mine. He said he was “plugging along”. He said thank you for mailing the title and I said you’re welcome, and goodbye. I had to make a point to tell him that I redecorated the apartment. It sounds silly, but it has been part of my therapy. This is my sanctuary, solace, serenity, my peace. The day he left, I took the bus to Tuesday Morning and bought throw pillows for the couch, bed pillows, and little decorative items to put throughout the apartment. I need to back up and tell you that he hated any extra pillows. That was the first thing on my list of things to buy. After I had picked out my items, I realized how I’m going to carry these things. I’m taking the bus home! Luckily, a good friend of mine came and picked me up. This was the first day of my therapy, and there was still more to come. Over the course of the following months, I also purchased a bedroom comforter set that had 2 pillow shams and 4 decorative pillows. You can never have too many pillows! It’s funny how little things can really change up a room.  I’ve found many of my purchases at the thrift store and clearance items at local stores,
One interesting thing that I noticed after he left was the sound of trucks. He had a pickup truck that I could always hear coming down the road a mile away. When he drove away that morning, the sound of his truck just consumed me. It overwhelmed me. Every time I heard a truck that sounded like his, I would freeze. Part of me would think it was him coming back. I hated to feel that way, but that was just the first thought that crossed my mind. I had to make a point to keep myself busy with work, going to the gym, reading, anything to keep my mind from falling apart. I would be at work and find myself crying, and then I would wipe the tears and put my game face back on. I would really break down when I was home alone. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me and think I was weak. I guess I saw myself as weak. It was tough, but the busier I kept myself, the better. I made the decision that I was going to step out of my comfort zone and try new things. A friend of mine sent me a coupon for a food delivery service that sends you meals with all the ingredients and preparation instructions for each one. You can select meals for 2 people, 4 people, or I think even larger families. It was fun to experiment with different ingredients and spices that I had never cooked before.
I also started taking pictures of nature during my walks to work or when I would go walking during my lunch breaks. I was never interested in photography, but all of a sudden, I found myself printing my photos and framing them. I’ve decorated my fireplace mantle with a few of my scenic photos. Again, another part of my therapy.
In the past 2 months, I started a new steroid, Hydrocortisone. With all steroids, one of the many long-term effects is muscle weakness. With this steroid, I felt it immediately when I was walking. My legs and feet would hurt and cramp up. It would hurt so bad it could literally stop me in my tracks. Now, since my only means of transportation is taking the bus and walking everywhere I need to go, this was a daily problem. One day, I got the idea that I wanted to find a personal trainer to help me with weight training, so I could try to combat muscle weakness. For the past 2 months, I’ve been seeing a personal trainer, Tony, at a local gym who has been helping me.  I’ve always been intimidated by weights. When I have been to the local rec center, I’ve always been too scared to go into the weight room because I have no idea what or how to work out with weights. Working with Tony has been a whole new experience and has opened up a love for weights.  I’m being challenged physically and mentally. Having Adrenal Insufficiency, I need to be careful not to overdo it physically because it could also hurt me if I put too much stress on my body. On these days when I feel that I’ve pushed myself too much, I need to take extra steroids to compensate for this. I’m steroid dependent, so I have my normal daily dosage that I take which is 35mg, and I need to keep it under this amount to avoid the muscle pain, swelling, and weight gain. If I exceed that amount due to being ill or if I need to stress dose, my dosage can go up or even double my daily dosage. If I were to become ill, my Physician could advise that I double my daily dosage, or in an emergency, I would need 100mg of Hydrocortisone injected immediately, then go to the hospital. I always keep my emergency kit on hand just in case. Taking the extra steroids on those days when I feel like I have overdone it helps me feel better, but at the same time, hurts me because I feel the side effects more. I have a love-hate relationship with steroids, but they keep me alive. I’m determined to not allow this disease to overtake my life like it has for the past 8 years. I know that exercising overall has helped me feel better both physically and mentally. I’m pushing myself in ways that I’ve never imagined, and I’m loving it!
This journey so far has shown me that I can live without him. He was my drug. I craved his love, attention, and his body. He was my world, and to suddenly lose that part of me was unthinkable. Even though deep down I knew I would be okay, a part of me still needed some convincing. It’s taken some time, but I’m finally getting to that point where I know in my heart that this had to happen for me to discover myself again. I had lost myself in this relationship because my only focus was to please him and for him to be happy. I know he loved me. He was good to me and took care of me, and I will always be grateful and love him for that.
But now, it’s all about me!