Just face it, deal with it, and don’t let it paralyze you. I keep telling myself this pretty much at the start of every November. My anxiety was creeping up because ever since Dad passed away in November 2022, this month has never been the same. The recurring memory of him being placed under Hospice care on the eleventh day, and also the same day, I discovered the severity of his condition and the physical care that was going to be required of me. I was scared, but I didn’t have time to process it. I had to do this for my dad, and nothing was going to stop me. On the sixteenth day, we celebrated his eighty-seventh birthday. After his birthday, I remember the feeling of the end coming closer, and on the twenty-sixth day, my dad passed away.
I have not fully allowed myself to grieve for my dad. It will come in short clips of memories, or if I am in his cuartito (work shed) and I feel him in there because he spent most of his time there, or if I’m reading his composition books or looking through his keepsakes that I kept. I will do all in my power to compose myself and move on. I don’t have a reason for this. I guess I don’t want to feel the pain or stir up the feelings that come with it.
This year, I have done my best to distract myself, so I put up the Christmas tree the second week of November and have slowly been adding decorations throughout the house. I have been keeping myself busy with work, organizing my house, and working on being more intentional with improving myself in every aspect of my life. Indeed, holidays are not the same when your loved ones are no longer here to share them with. My remedy over the last two years, since my mom passed away, is to be alone, and I prefer that over being surrounded by people. After much thought, this year I decided I will spend Thanksgiving with one of my loved ones who also lives alone and doesn’t spend time with family. It will be good for both of us.
I will continue on the journey of facing down my anxiety and fears and not allowing them to consume me. I choose to live more.
The World of Dlo 