Author: dloboss

I have always been into makeup ever since I can remember. Once I started middle school, that’s when I started to experiment with makeup, but I had to keep it a secret because my mom didn’t allow me to wear makeup at that time. I would have to wait until I got to school to put it on, and before I got home, I had to wash it off. I would get my inspiration from my friends at school and how they did their makeup and hair. I still remember to this day being fascinated by this one girl who had a cordless curling iron. I just thought that was the coolest thing!

Then, at the start of high school, I was given permission to wear makeup, so no more hiding! The fashion, makeup, and hair game had to be elevated. I tried my best to keep up with the trends, but unfortunately, I didn’t have the financial means, so I had to be creative with what I had.  I remember my best friend got a spiral perm, and I wanted to be just like her, so I begged and begged my mom to take me to get one. She warned me that it wasn’t going to work and it wasn’t going to look like my friend’s hair. I finally convinced her to take me, and sure enough, she was right. My hair looked nothing like how I had pictured it would, and it looked more like Bob Ross, but shoulder-length. I learned my lesson, no more perms!

I had a guy who used to cut my hair all throughout high school who was a stylist at the nearby mall. I remember telling him I couldn’t wait until I graduated because I wanted to cut my hair short. My mom told me I could do whatever I wanted after I graduated. He would do hair shows, so he was ready to use me as a guinea pig. My hair at the time was about to the middle of my back. He would slowly start cutting it shorter until, eventually, after I graduated in 1989, we ended up with a short bob with an exaggerated angle in the back. I loved it, and I felt so free! This was only the beginning of my hair journey, and I continued to experiment with different styles, and at one point where I basically had a mohawk, but I wore it down because I was working and I had to look professional. I remember this one coworker of mine used to call me Baldy! He was just jealous because it was my choice, and he was balding at a young age.

Let’s not forget fashion! I had a friend who worked at JCPenney’s, and in the junior department, they had the Mix It brand. It was a combination of oversized neon color blazers, short miniskirts, palazzo pants, and big accessories to match. I think I spent my whole paycheck there. I wasn’t afraid to experiment with my fashion, and I felt so confident being bold and unapologetic with my hair, makeup, and fashion.

I still feel this way to this day, despite not having the opportunity to dress up anymore, since I don’t go out much, and I primarily work from home. I do still wear makeup and still find inspiration on several social media platforms. I love it because I will see a look that gets my attention, and I will do my best to copy it or do some variation of it. It all comes down to never stopping wanting to learn something new, being creative, and stepping out of my comfort zone.

I will even take it a step further to say that makeup can be very calming for me. When I’m not feeling quite myself or I’m having a hard time getting motivated in the mornings, I can start to do my skincare and makeup, and that will make all the difference. Even at the end of the day, when I remove my makeup and do my night skincare routine, I feel a peaceful vulnerability. A blank canvas.

I’ve mentioned before that the Thanksgiving season has never been the same for me ever since the passing of my dad three years ago. I choose to not be around people during that time and enjoy just being alone for the holiday. This year, I decided I shouldn’t be so selfish, so I spent the day with a relative who also lives alone and took some turkey breast and a couple of sides. I was reminded to be thankful not just during this season, but every day. I need to be more mindful of giving thanks upon waking up for having the breath of life, my health, and for my family and friends. To be thankful for my job instead of complaining that it’s not my ideal situation. To be grateful for the roof over my head that I’ve been blessed with to make my own home.

I recently purchased a futon for the guest room, and online it looked perfect, and it was the right price and within my budget. I also had to consider that I was going to have to pay an additional fee to have it assembled. After seeing it put together, I realized it wasn’t what I had expected, and I immediately saw the issues and began to feel uneasy about the purchase. I even went to Walmart and purchased a mattress topper in hopes I could make it work. Much to my dismay, the mattress topper is too big and literally hangs off quite a bit. So, now I need to go back and return the mattress topper for a smaller size. In the midst of this, I began to contemplate whether I should return it and how much of a hassle it would be. This evening, I got to the Walmart website and initiated a chat session and explained to the agent my situation, and inquired if I did a return, if it would be picked up. The catch was that the contractor who put it together took the box it came in. Well, the agent placed me on hold in the chat for a while as he consulted with a supervisor. He reported to me that they authorized a full refund, which included the purchase and the assembly fee, and that it wasn’t necessary to return the futon. I was beyond shocked and amazed at the service Walmart provided to me.

I have been going back and forth with guilt because I didn’t realize the actual layout of the bed portion of the futon before I purchased it, and I feared that I had made a mistake. I paid for this item that I’m not happy with, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve been stressed because I need to have something in the guest room before my family comes to stay in a couple of weeks. It has been a bit overwhelming, so after having the chat with Walmart, I felt so much more at ease and realized there is no need to waste any more energy stressing over this. Everything will be okay, and it will work out.

There is a scripture in the Bible that is one of my favorites, 1 Peter 5:7: “Cast all your anxiety on Him because he cares for you.” I just need to learn to release all of my guilt, worries, and fears to God and instead give thanks to Him for all he has done for me, and be thankful that He continues to show His love, goodness, and mercy upon me.

Thank You, Lord.

Just face it, deal with it, and don’t let it paralyze you. I keep telling myself this pretty much at the start of every November. My anxiety was creeping up because ever since Dad passed away in November 2022, this month has never been the same. The recurring memory of him being placed under Hospice care on the eleventh day, and also the same day, I discovered the severity of his condition and the physical care that was going to be required of me. I was scared, but I didn’t have time to process it. I had to do this for my dad, and nothing was going to stop me. On the sixteenth day, we celebrated his eighty-seventh birthday. After his birthday, I remember the feeling of the end coming closer, and on the twenty-sixth day, my dad passed away.

I have not fully allowed myself to grieve for my dad. It will come in short clips of memories, or if I am in his cuartito (work shed) and I feel him in there because he spent most of his time there, or if I’m reading his composition books or looking through his keepsakes that I kept. I will do all in my power to compose myself and move on. I don’t have a reason for this. I guess I don’t want to feel the pain or stir up the feelings that come with it.

This year, I have done my best to distract myself, so I put up the Christmas tree the second week of November and have slowly been adding decorations throughout the house. I have been keeping myself busy with work, organizing my house, and working on being more intentional with improving myself in every aspect of my life. Indeed, holidays are not the same when your loved ones are no longer here to share them with. My remedy over the last two years, since my mom passed away, is to be alone, and I prefer that over being surrounded by people. After much thought, this year I decided I will spend Thanksgiving with one of my loved ones who also lives alone and doesn’t spend time with family. It will be good for both of us.

I will continue on the journey of facing down my anxiety and fears and not allowing them to consume me. I choose to live more.

I woke up this morning on a mission to put the recycling bin out on the curb for a loved one who is unable to do so themselves. She might be able to do it herself if it’s not too heavy to move, but her memory is the issue. She cannot keep track of which bins are collected on each day. She has Alzheimer’s Disease, and her short-term memory is affected. I was there on Saturday, and as I was placing her plastic trash collection from her kitchen into the bin, I noticed it was pretty full. I have to wait until the day of collection because I noticed that when I put the bin out the day before, she will bring it in, thinking it has already been collected. For some reason, she would even see that it is still full, but she gets confused. I was hoping to not wake her because she gets startled, and that can cause her to get an anxiety attack. I did my best to be quick and as quiet as possible, and thankfully, she did not hear me.

She called me around lunchtime, and she had no clue that I had gone over this morning. I told her I was there and that her trash was already collected. The conversations we have are on repeat, but in her mind, it is the first time we are talking about them. This last time I was at her house over the weekend, she was adamant that she wants to sell her house and go to an Assisted Living facility so she can be taken care of. I was encouraging her and stating that it was a great idea, and we were going over all the perks. A few months ago, she went on a tour of a facility, and she often speaks of it and how nice it would be to live there. She will sound very convincing that she is ready to go, but from one minute to the next, she will change her mind. Sure enough, this morning, in speaking to her on the phone, she said a mutual friend of hers is mad at her because she will not go to an Assisted Living facility. Without any hesitation, she stated that she wants to stay in her house and she is not ready to go anywhere. The conversation with her friend sparked her to feel anxious and upset, and the more she spoke of it, the louder she got. I had to be quick and find a way to calm her down.

It is all about the distractions, so I interrupted her and asked her to go to her kitchen and make sure she had her insulin pens on the table. I began to walk her through taking her insulin medication and her oral medications, which I am sure she forgets unless I call or her friend calls her. Then I went on to talk about the weather, and she forgot all about being upset just minutes before.

My hope and prayer is that she will go into an Assisted Living facility because it is not safe for her to be on her own. She will have a better quality of life where she is taken care of, getting a more stable diet, and they will make sure she is getting her medications daily. It is difficult to watch how your loved one can be consumed by a disease that overtakes their mind. It is even more difficult when you do not have any power to do anything. I have to release my feelings of frustration and worry to God because only He has the power to handle this situation.

This is only one of many tunes that keep coming up on repeat shuffle in my life. There is always something that keeps trying to trip me up, discourage and disappoint me, test my patience, and push me to go off and say what I truly feel and think. But yet, I find myself yelling and crying out to God about what I do not understand and asking why this or why that, because it can be all-consuming.

God, help me to quiet the noise that surrounds me so that I can hear the clarity only You can provide as my world turns.

This may sound ridiculous, but I said yes to two different invitations within the past week. One of them occurred yesterday, which was a small gathering at my boss’s house with plenty of food and great company. My second invitation was from a sister at Church, and she invited me to a Friendsgiving event next weekend. This is not something I would normally seek out to go to on my own. The invitation quite honestly took me by surprise. The gesture is sweet, so I felt I really should attend, and it will allow me to reconnect with the ladies from Church in person rather than when I see them on our Zoom Sunday School class.

In the past, I have never had any hesitations with going out and socializing, whether it be with family or friends, but over the years, it has become apparent to me that I get a little anxious with the thought of it. I presume it is because I am used to being by myself, and I am comfortable being in my own company. I am happy and content and do not need constant social interaction to fill any void. I know there can be a balance between being alone and socializing, but I prefer to take baby steps and choose accordingly.

A factor that plays a role for me is location. Since I am unable to drive due to my visual impairment, I have to be more mindful of where I am going. I need to determine if the transportation service I utilize goes to that area. If so, I need to schedule at least 24 hours in advance, and the ride can take up to 2 hours, so I need to plan accordingly. If the transportation service does not provide service to the area I need to go to, then my backup is Lyft/Uber, which involves a higher fee. One of my many dreams has been to have my own personal driver(s) available when I need to go anywhere. I think of driving Miss Daisy.

My life takes a village, and I’m a one-woman show.

My previous post, “Too Many Tabs Open,” was my inspiration for this one. I had posted that in June 2024, and it’s funny because I was searching for an image to use for this post, and I saw the one about the brain having too many tabs, and then realized I had already used it. Then I found this one and felt it was a perfect segue to what I wanted to share in this one.

I have always been good at multitasking and proud of this skill because it came in handy with the positions that I have held throughout my work experience. It placed me in positions where I stood out and was often the go-to person when someone was needed to put out any fires. I loved it because it made me feel needed and like I was important, because inside I didn’t always feel that way. Fast forward to now, I can still multitask with the best of them, but I need to write everything down in a separate to-do list journal, post-it notes, and put reminders on my phone to keep track of what things I’m trying to multitask so I don’t forget!

I think this photo says it all for me lately. There are too many tabs open in my mind, and at times I feel scatterbrained. I hate that feeling. There is no one to blame aside from myself because I overthink things. Instead of releasing it and giving it to God, I will hold onto it and let it steep just a little more. Well, other thoughts enter, and you can guess what happens; they just keep piling up. In my previous post, I mentioned the surgery I had, and it was hernia repair surgery, five to be exact. Still after 18 months, I’m feeling the side effects of the surgery with the numbness, tenderness, and shooting pains in the whole incision area. So, of course, my mind thinks the hernias are moving or they are back, or something’s off, etc. I had a follow-up with the surgeon, and he assured me that it’s normal and the nerves are reawakening, and it can take this long, if not longer, depending on how extensive the surgery was. Within the last couple of months, I have begun to feel better, and the “awakening” pains have been a little more spread out, and I am starting to feel like myself again. So now I can kick that thought out of my brain.

Next, another medical issue had made itself present was evidence of high liver enzymes that were reflected in my recent blood work. My Primary Doctor did not seem overly concerned, and I wasn’t too concerned either because I have had slightly elevated levels before, and for whatever reason, they went back down to normal again. The doctor wanted to cover all the bases and ordered another round of blood work to check for various things associated with the liver, in addition to some other tests. Again, I began thinking about it and wondering what if there is something, and thinking about all the reasons why this is not a good time because I am starting to venture out in another aspect of my current job, and on and on. I finally received the results, and everything came out negative, and the liver enzymes went back down to normal. All the additional tests were normal, too. Here’s to another thought to kick out.

So, what’s left in the space is a separate area designated for work-related tasks to complete and brainstorming of ideas for marketing, also learning how to incorporate these ideas into my personal ventures, and how I can improve myself in every aspect of my life, physically, mentally, and spiritually. At the forefront of my mind is a bookmark for keeping track of my daily management of my adrenal insufficiency disease, so I don’t have any issues or emergencies that could arise. The spiritual portion of the space is constantly going through growing pains, evolving and changing, like the title of the old soap opera from back in the day, As The World Turns. I need God to navigate through all the twists and turns of my life and this world.

There are still some miscellaneous thoughts lingering in the background, but those are working themselves out on their own, much to my surprise, and I’m excited about that. I have been working on decluttering my home and discarding and donating items that I no longer use and that are just taking up space. I am working on applying the same idea of decluttering to my mind and life. It can be overwhelming, humbling, and emotionally draining, but I need to trust the process. I continue to close one tab at a time.

So, have you ever had a minute, second, day, week, or year where you are? WTH?! I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster for the past 6 years, much less over the last couple of months, after having major surgery and this slow-moving recovery process, and let me tell you, I cannot do rollercoasters! This rollercoaster has been like you imagine the ride, slowly creeping and enjoying the scenic view. Then you notice the tracks disappear, then suddenly you hit the bottom along with your heart in your stomach, and crap is flying so fast you have no idea what you are looking at and what just happened.

Now is the time for me to try and process what I can (or want to) in my brain because the best way to describe it is that my brain currently has too many tabs open. I strive to quiet my mind daily the best way I know how, whether it is writing, reading, studying my Bible, praying, painting, or drawing. One of my dear cousins once told me to record my feelings on a digital voice recorder. I tried it once and plan on trying that again.

I am currently working on my physical health after this difficult surgery I had, so I can be prepared for what lies ahead for me. This is the moment when I accept once again that I am not Wonder Woman, and I humble myself and cry out to God, I need help with this! I may be weak, but He is strong for both of us.

I love plants, but not too often do I find success with outdoor plants. The indoor ones, if they are low maintenance, I can handle those, and they seem to thrive as long as I water them weekly and keep them close to the windows for natural light. I have had some seeds gifted to me and also starter plants, but for whatever reason, they don’t last. There is obviously something that I’m missing. I hear people tell their success stories with the same plants, and they are blooming and blooming, and they can’t control them. The plants I have attempted to plant are obviously not aware of the quote above. My remedy, I have decided, is to buy fake plants and trees for my backyard. That solves that problem!

This morning, I looked at this picture and read the quote, and I immediately had a different spin on it. It brought me to reflect on my current situation. I resigned from my previous employment of two and a half years three months ago to pursue another employment opportunity. Much to my dismay, the new job did not work out, and unfortunately, the full job responsibilities were not disclosed at the time of hiring. I discovered I was not the right fit for this position and made the decision to resign after a week. I felt guilty for having to quit in such a short amount of time, and to some degree, I felt like a failure. At the same time, I knew it was the right decision for me, but panic set in because I was faced with a now what thought.

I’m thankful that I was still working for my other job, which is work from home, and I have had this job for almost three years now. It’s work from home and flexible, so it’s really perfect for me. The problem for me is that it is less than your average part-time hours. I could feel my anxiety creeping in, and I didn’t hesitate to make contact with the local staffing agencies that I have remained in communication with periodically, and applied for jobs on multiple job sites. I even reached out to specific companies that I was interested in and introduced myself with a cover letter and resume. I was doing everything in my power to put myself out there. I received a couple of thank yous, but no thank yous, and encountered more of no responses whatsoever.

In the midst of this, I was reminded that God is in control and I needed to cast my cares into His hands and trust Him. That is difficult for me because I need to have things figured out in advance so I can plan every aspect of what is needed in order to tackle each situation in front of me. I have many pieces and parts to my life, so knowledge is power. I will confess that I don’t like surprises. I honestly don’t appreciate when people who are used to planning things on the spur of the moment expect you to be on board too. I need to know things in advance, if at all possible. I realize life happens, and things can occur that are out of our control. If I can have a hand in controlling certain things in my life, I will. Well, this situation was obviously out of my control, and the sooner I accepted this, the better off I would be.

A couple of weeks after I had quit the short-lived job, I was contacted by my boss from my work-from-home job, and she asked me if I would be available to go out on job sites and work with her and the team. I immediately say yes and explain that it just so happens my schedule is wide open! So for now, I continue to work from home and also go out to job sites when needed. I’m taking this opportunity to learn new skills, and it’s actually helping me with my job responsibilities when I work from home because I’m experiencing two different aspects of this job, and it’s providing a new perspective and insight. At this moment in my life, I have been planted in this opportunity, and I want to continue to bloom and reach levels beyond my imagination.

I made a point this morning to open my book Prayers & Promises for Women. I hadn’t been diligent enough to read it, but I thought no better time than the present. I’ve been struggling with accepting a specific situation lately that is beyond my control. I am watching circumstances unfold that could lead to a train wreck, but I am in no position to interfere or try to help. I know in reality, if I were to get involved, it would probably backfire on me in more ways than one. I have found myself making up scenarios in my mind of what may or may not happen, and that is dangerous. I have my reservations about one of the parties involved, and I question their motives. I honestly do not really know this person, but in the short time that I have, I do not trust them. I have been questioning and scrutinizing their decisions in my head, but I have never confronted them. It has been consuming me, and that is not good for me either.

Upon reading this passage, I felt convicted that instead of judging this person and holding onto my frustration with them, I need to lift them up to God in prayer because it is not my weight to carry. Instead, I will release this situation and the people involved to God. He has control over this, and in the end, I know everything will work out according to His will.

Amazingly, I have another story to share about a Lyft driver. Let me begin by stating that I often encounter Lyft/Uber drivers who, for some odd reason, decide that the pickup spot from my residence is diagonally across the street from my house, and it varies from either the left or right side. A couple of times, I have seen them park at the nearest corner to my house, two houses down on the opposite side of the street. I cannot put into words how annoying this is to me. My house number is clearly posted on both sides of my mailbox. I even have a premise note each time I order a ride that states to park in front of my mailbox, and I also have my address listed there again. It is not like it is far to walk, but it is the principle of the thing. Also, I am visually impaired, and when my Lyft/Uber ride is arriving early in the morning, when it is still dark out, or at night, it is hard for me to see. So now that you have the backstory, I will begin.

On Monday morning, I needed to go have blood work completed first thing, and my plan was to be at the lab right when they opened at 7am. I ordered my Lyft, and he arrived right on time, but he parked diagonally across the street, almost to the corner. I was immediately getting annoyed, like it’s way too early for this. I had my phone light on and was flashing it toward him, hoping he would see it, when suddenly this older gentleman got out of his vehicle and crossed the street, heading up my driveway. He says hello and my name, and gently grabs my arm and leads me across to his car. I was in shock at this point because I realized he actually read my note about being visually impaired. He opened the door for me and helped me into the car.

When we arrived at my destination, I made a comment that it was nice and well-lit, where he could drop me off. I said thank you to him, and before I could exit the vehicle, he stated wait, I will help you. I opened the door, and he again helped me out and made sure I got into the building.

I was so touched that, despite his parking across the street from my house, he got a pass for being a gentleman.