The World of Dlo

In a previous post from February this year titled “Welcome Back”, I recounted when I returned to work after being on short-term disability for three months after my brain tumor surgery.  It was a difficult transition for me to get back into the workflow of my department. I was blindsided by a coworker who was upset with me for being out for three months and in return created a hostile work environment. I had to make a conscious decision to continue to focus on my job responsibilities and get myself back to 100% and not concern myself with what was going on around me. I left the complicated issue with my coworker to the Supervisors and ultimately it was resolved. The solution consisted of a staff change and this provided an opportunity to reconstruct the department and work duties. This was a must-needed change and from this point on, I felt like the core staff we had in place was one that was the most efficient and productive. We called ourselves TFO Team Front Office. It was a good season with TFO, and we worked great together, and I will never forget that time with them.

We then encountered another major shift in our office but this time it was from the top. There was an election for a new Sheriff and little did we know how things were going to unfold. You could feel the tension and the uncertainty in the air during the election period because the office appeared to be split between the two candidates. After the Sheriff was elected, I felt a sense of uneasiness as he was giving his first speech to the staff. I could not explain it but deep down I thought that maybe this change may not be for the better, but I hoped that I was wrong. As time went on, I realized my gut instincts were correct. It was the first time in my entire employment that I felt my job was in jeopardy. It wasn’t long before I began to see the writing on the wall. It was the sudden change in the tone of any communication with my supervisors, constant questioning of what my job duties were, and having to justify every decision I made that was never questioned before. The confidence and trust that I once had in my supervisors was no longer there. It was both disheartening and disappointing to see this happening before my eyes and there wasn’t anything I could do. This stress only added to additional health issues that I was beginning to experience which were high blood pressure, being placed on oxygen at night, and having to use a cane for mobility due to muscular weakness in my legs. It was a downward spiral that I was on that led to the next unfortunate event.

It was the beginning of January 2017 and I found myself fighting against not only what was unfair treatment at work, but also fighting for my life. I had a serious incident at work where I passed out due to an adrenal crisis brought on by stress, exhaustion, and not taking care of myself properly. The bottom line is that I had been putting work first instead of my health for a long time. My health paid the price for me wanting to continue working as hard as I did to prove to myself and others that I could still do it despite the complications from my disease of Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency. My job was my identity and my life, and I thought without it, I was nothing. It’s sad but that is the truth. That incident ended up saving my life and opened my eyes. It ultimately led me to make a very difficult decision to resign from my employment at the Sheriff’s office. I felt that not only did I need to put myself and my health first, but I needed to leave on my own terms.

After working 11 years at the same place, it was difficult to imagine myself doing anything else. I was honestly at a loss and the question that lingered over me was now what?

I woke up this morning with the word wellness on my brain and the hymn It Is Well With My Soul. There are only a few hymns that are special to me and this is one of them. I felt the need to look up the definition of wellness and the first one to come up was from https://www.pfizer.com/health-wellness/wellness/what-is-wellness “Wellness is the act of practicing healthy habits on a daily basis to attain better physical and mental health outcomes, so that instead of just surviving, you’re thriving.” Funny enough, the though of not only surviving, but thriving was also a thought on my mind as I was writing my blog. I just love it when random thoughts enter into my spirit and breathe life into me when I need it most.

I will proceed with caution as I push myself physically in my workout. I will continue to seek any creative areas that I have yet to tap into. I will not dwell on the mistakes I made yesterday but strive to learn from them and not repeat them. I will attempt to gather and organize my thoughts and seek wisdom and guidance as each day comes.

I Will.

A Glimpse of Me

I wrote this in 2017 and to say I was in a different state of mind is an understatement. I cannot express or put into words what I had been experiencing physically and mentally. No one will ever know the fate that appeared to be prepared for me. At my table was either death or dependency on someone to care for me. I called out to death but he wouldn’t take me.

I have my days when it’s physically tough to get out of bed. Days I don’t feel well. Days that it’s difficult to walk because of muscle weakness in my legs. Days when I wish I could just stop taking my medications. Days I wish I didn’t have to see Doctors for anything. Days I feel bruised and broken from this disease.

Moments when I cry out in pain, anger, frustration, and helplessness. Moments when I doubt myself. Moments when fear consumes me. Moments when I hold myself back. Moments when I worry. Moments when I stress myself out.

This cycle of my life is teaching me about humanity. Who is real and who is not. Through the good times and the bad times, you’ll know who will be there to share in these moments. The ones who want to share in both your joy and pain. I’m sifting out the bad and keeping the good. As much as it pains me, even those I wish would change but I know won’t. No time nor the energy for bullshit. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

In the midst of this cycle, I’m still strong, stubborn, fearless, unstoppable, loving, sexy, joyful, hopeful, thankful, motivated, learning, growing, and never giving up.

I am who I am because of the obstacles, trials, and tribulations that I’ve faced in my life and continue to face. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Those who haven’t faced any challenges, struggles, or difficulties in their lives cannot relate and therefore have no right to judge.

This is my truth and my reality.

Have you ever seen a photo you had taken and it stirs up something in you that you hadn’t felt before? This photo is from the deck of my apartment when I lived in Dillon Colorado. It was a good size deck and I always enjoyed sitting out there in the early mornings or evenings when the sun was going down. I really miss being surrounded by the views of the mountains because it was like I was waking up in a postcard every day no matter where I was in the County.

I came upon this photo today in my memories and for whatever reason it prompted me to reflect and brought about a pensive mood. Certain situations seem to be unfolding quicker than I can process which can be both good and bad. I do not have time to analyze or attempt to make sense of it. The only thought that comes to my mind is sink or swim. I do not know how to swim but I am not planning on sinking. There is too much at stake and people who depend on me so it is not an option. In the meantime, I continue to pray and ask for wisdom on how to proceed because I feel as though I am being led to follow the path that is before me professionally. Too many times I think of the “what if” and that will stop me from moving forward. Then another part of me says to step out and things will fall into place as they are meant to.

I have always said if you do not try, then you will never know and you will continue to live wondering what could have been. I choose to not live in fear and face what comes head-on because I will never know what I am made of unless I push myself to the other side.

I’ve never been much of a green thumb but plants have always brought me peace and joy. After the previous freezes we experienced, we lost a few plants so I’m starting over again. The first two plants are Poinsettias which were gifted to me by a supervisor I had at a temporary job I worked at in December 2018. They had beautiful yellow flowers at the time but the flowers have never bloomed again. I always continued to water them even though at times it looked like they were beyond saving. Something just told me to keep watering them because they would bounce back. I still haven’t seen any more blooms but they are still so vibrant and green so I will continue to care for them.

The Elephant Ears plant is one of my mom’s favorites. This particular plant literally was at death’s door when we had our last freeze but again I wasn’t about to give up. I cut away all the dead leaves which was pretty much the whole plant but I knew it was going to grow back. The Roses have bloomed and continued to surprise me despite looking at times like they are not coming back. Some of the other plants were gifts from 6 months ago, Mom’s birthday, Mother’s Day, and one that my brother brought over has wildflowers (the yellow flowers) which I’m anxious to see how it continues to bloom.

I have some plants that I keep indoors like my Peace Lilly, Bamboo, and an Ivy plant. Being surrounded by greenery and flowers not only cleans the air but to me brings a sense of peace and tranquility. The plants show me that they need the proper amount of water, light, plant food, and love in order to continue to grow. Sometimes I don’t know how to care for them and I move them around until I find the right spot for them where they thrive. It’s basically a trial and error for me when it comes to plants. It’s kind of like our lives in how we need to provide ourselves with the proper nourishment, water, and self-care in order to continue to grow and thrive. We have our times when we feel like nothing we do is working or making a difference, we feel stuck in one place and don’t know how to get out of it, but we can’t give up on ourselves. We need to try a new approach, think outside of the box, maybe take a risk, anything to say at least we tried rather than just thinking about it and wondering what if. I just tried this with one of my plants where nothing I was doing was working and the roots were coming to the surface. I decided to take a chance and separate the leaves and replant them in different smaller pots and I added plant food and water. Now, I just wait and see if my efforts will make a difference. I have no idea but it’s worth the risk. That is how my life is at this moment. I have no idea what I’m doing is making a difference, but I know I can’t give up. I have a feeling some new blooms are coming.

It has been six months since my dad Santos De Los Santos passed. The Lord made it possible that dad was here at home and left peacefully in his home surrounded by his family. I had the blessing to be at his side the moment he passed and left this earth. Thankfully, I was not alone and had my sister with me as we witnessed this moment together.

Allow me to provide some insight into how we got to this place. I was always daddy’s little girl, and we were always close because we bonded over cracking jokes and laughing, and we enjoyed watching baseball, movies, and old detective shows like Columbo and Jesse Stone with Tom Selleck. He was the strong silent type who did not really say much unless you got him talking about things he was interested in like anything to do with history, World War I & II, westerns, and the Bible. Aside from that, he would not really share his feelings or thoughts and it would just remain a mystery until he reached his breaking point, and he would let it out.

I moved to Colorado in my mid-twenties and would come home to visit once or twice a year. I lived in Colorado for twenty years then made the decision to move back to Texas in 2018 to take care of mom and dad. Mom’s health had been a rollercoaster, to say the least so up until this point dad was able to do it on his own, but he was getting older and needing more assistance with mom due to her health becoming increasingly challenging. So here I come not fully aware of what was in store for us as I move back to live with mom and dad. It was a learning experience to get to know my mom and dad all over again and the dynamics of their relationship on a daily basis. It was a fine line between learning how to still give them their space as well as establishing my own. It was a process in attempting to organize the house and try not to step on any toes at the same time. That was especially challenging when it came to the storage shed in the backyard and convincing them to downsize.

Dad was my constant in so many ways and very predictable. When I was dealing with mom’s medical issues, I could count on dad being good and going with the flow. He was low maintenance and that made my life easier since I needed to focus on mom. I was here 24/7 and became more involved as their advocate when it came to their healthcare and speaking with their Physicians, helping them with their bills, things associated with the house, and basically every aspect of their lives. Dad had his own health issues, and I did my best to keep on him when it came to him taking his medications, and drinking his water, which was a constant battle, his diet, and everything else his doctor would order.

Over the last couple of years, I began to see him starting to slow down even more, he was starting to shrink before my eyes, and he was becoming more fatigued. Every time I brought it to the attention of his doctor, it was shrugged off as aging because the blood work they would order would always come out normal. Then suddenly, he started having anxiety attacks and becoming agitated which is not in my dad’s nature. After much persistence and after a series of events, his doctor finally listened to me and ordered a series of evaluations of my dad. Ultimately, he was placed under Hospice care. I was grateful for this because I told his doctor prior to this that I felt a sense of urgency with dad, yet I didn’t know why I felt this way. I just knew he needed to be in Hospice ASAP. From the day he was admitted into Hospice here at home to the day he passed was 15 days. The last month of his life was something for which I was not prepared. I had been caring for my mom and helping her with the basic everyday tasks that you and I take for granted. That was like second nature to me but to do that for my dad was a different story. That was something I had not imagined I would have to do. It was those moments that I had to set aside that I was his daughter, I put on my nurse hat.

I will never forget this one incident at night when he passed out in the bathroom, and he had ended up lodged in between the toilet and bathtub. I called 911 and they arrived for lift assistance. After the paramedics left, I realized that he needed to be cleaned and changed but it was going to require me to get him in the shower. Now, I had not assisted him in the shower before this point, so this was unfamiliar territory for both of us. He was also at the point where he was not talking as much, but his face said everything. He had this deer in headlights expression and all I could say was I am sorry dad, but I need to do this. He put his arms around his head as if to block what was about to take place. It hurt me so much to put him through that, but I had no choice. I just remember praying that I could get him on the bench in the tub safely without him falling. It was one of the toughest moments I faced with him.

It was determined at this point that my dad had been suffering from internal bleeding coming from a leak in his replaced heart valve that had succeeded in its life expectancy. As a result, he was very weak, had a loss of appetite, constantly sleeping, and was unable to care for himself. I do not know how I was physically able to move and lift him to and from his bed to his wheelchair, but the Lord gave me the physical strength I needed. It was also the Lord who gave me the mental strength to deal with what was unfolding before my eyes with my dad bleeding out and I could not do anything about it.

One amazing thing is that my dad never once complained about being in pain. When he was still talking, I would ask him what he was thinking or what he thought was happening. He would only tell me he was not in pain and that his body was just cleansing itself. I did not want to press him further, so I just accepted what he said. As I mentioned before, he was always the strong silent type, and all the way to the end, he remained quiet. I made it a point every time I would clean and change him, I would joke with him and try to redirect him not only for him but for me too. It would happen more times than not in the middle of the night, and he would ring his bell to summon me. I would tell him he would do it on purpose. Let me tell you that he was always cold, so he had about six blankets on his bed, long johns, socks, flannel, a beanie, and gloves on all the time. Some nights I would have the heater on for him too in his room. So, when I would go in there and tend to him, I would be sweating bullets by the time I was done and felt like I had just finished a workout. The night before he passed, I was tending to him and had to put on clean long johns. He could not help me, so I was struggling to put them on and finally, I get them on and realize that I had put them on backward. Even though he was not talking he could still understand what was going on and hear me. I told him I was not going to fix his long johns and that when he gets up, he would have to walk backward! He did crack a smile after that. I remember telling him often that I was going to care for him up until the Lord says he is ready for him. Until then, he is still stuck with me.

Before he went, I apologized to him and asked him for forgiveness for being so rough on him. Because I relied on him for being so constant in always being here to help me with mom and being my right-hand man. When he was beginning to decline and he was changing physically and mentally, I began to resent him because I needed him to be strong and capable. He was not living up to my expectations and I was beginning to resent him for that. That was not fair because he had done his part and held up what his wedding vows stated to death do us part. He was there for mom through it all. He was strong and capable when he needed to be. It was now his turn to rest from all he did.

On November 26, 2022, it was around 9:15pm when the medical examiner officially pronounced him. It was between 7:30-7:45pm when he passed in the presence of myself and my sister. I told him our time together was not finished until I walked him and the medical examiner placed him in his vehicle. I did not grieve for my dad after his passing. I had to take my own health into consideration because of the stress of everything that occurred, I had to inject myself a couple of times with my emergency steroid to avoid having an adrenal crisis. I did not want to end up in the hospital on top of everything that just took place. I had to focus on mom because I was not sure how she was going to be after losing the love of her life of sixty-seven-plus years. Over the last six months, it’s been all about mom. When I go into my dad’s shed in the backyard, that is where I feel close to him, and more times than not, I’m usually yelling at him and asking him why he had so much crap, sorry but not sorry for giving away most of his things to Salvation Army and Goodwill, and asking him where are the brand new box cutters and garden gloves are that I bought him that he never used. You get the point; it is where I can have a conversation with him and hope he is still listening to me.

Thank you, dad, for the time we had together, and it was an honor to be the one to care for you until our journey was complete. I hope you were proud of me. I love you daddy.

Tear me up into pieces and put me in a planter. Throw dirt, pour water, and watch me drown. Keep watch as I settle down.

Far below I’m spread thin it’s dark and cold. Am I alone? How long do I lay until I rot or grow?

Put me by a window so I can peek or put me outside in line with the sun’s eyes. I can’t tell you what to do but just watch what I can and cannot do.

Out of the darkness, I will rise. Grow through what you go through, just open your eyes.