Through the years during my different work experiences, I have kept a list of things that I would observe that I hoped one day I would be able to incorporate into my own life. In those particular moments of observation, it wasn’t the right time or circumstances to entertain the thought of making those a part of my life. I would often get discouraged and feel like a failure because it felt like maybe I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or talented enough to pursue these goals for myself. I continued to make mental notes of these goals and hold them close to my heart because I had a feeling that maybe just maybe one day they would happen.
It is easy to get caught up with life and your responsibilities that your dreams and goals for yourself get pushed aside. You can even feel a sense of guilt for thinking of yourself. This has been me for the past 5 years but I have also had a sense that this journey has been a preparation for what is ahead to bring those goals to life. All I will say at this point is today was the first day that I can see a portion of my goals coming to fruition. I will continue to pray and believe that everything will fall into place in God’s time.
Do you see how this is blank? Well, I had big plans for today, and little did I know what was in store for me.
Our morning began normally then within an hour I’m doubled over in pain from my abdomen. I hadn’t been sick so this came out of the blue. I tried to power through because I needed to tend to mom to get her morning routine going. Luckily, today was her scheduled shower in the morning from her Hospice Aide so after she was finished with mom, I asked her for her help so I could give myself the emergency injection of steroids that I so desperately needed in order to avoid an adrenal crisis. I also had to call Helping Our Seniors to see if they could provide a caregiver at the last minute to come to stay with mom while I got myself together to get to the clinic. Thankfully, the caregiver arrived within the hour and so did one of my brothers. I arranged for my transportation to the clinic through my friend Ted who happened to be available. My sweet cousin Lucy was also available for my transportation home. I’m so blessed with all these amazing people in my life who are here for me in my time of need.
I made it to the nearby TX Med Clinic which I had never been to before but honestly wanted to avoid the ER. It was a good decision aside from them making me complete a form on the mobile app only for it to cut out midway through and then I had to fill out paperwork all the while in pain, in tears, and about to pass out. I finally get in to see their Dr who ruled out the usual issues they look for with my symptoms but unfortunately, he couldn’t offer me any insight about the cause. It ended with pretty much what I expected him to say which is to follow up with my Primary Dr. Another thing that was unexpected was the Dr actually asked to give me a hug before he walked out. By the end of my time at the clinic, the pain had subsided but just left me weak and tired.
So as the day went on, I was just trying to process what happened and what the possible cause could be. Then like a light bulb moment, I remember that I had an abdominal sonogram completed a couple of months ago that my Primary Dr had ordered. The results showed an issue and I was provided a referral for a Specialist. Funny enough I told my Primary Dr that I was going to hold off on seeing the Specialist because what they saw hadn’t been giving me any problems and that I don’t have time for it because I have mom to take care of, financially can’t afford to do it, etc. I’m sure I gave a pretty good list of valid excuses. All of this to say, I suddenly hear that voice inside telling me what more needs to happen before I get your attention? Yes, God, I hear you. I’m listening.
Yesterday, I called in a request for mom’s Hospice nurse to come over and check on her due to an issue we had in the morning. Toward the end of the visit, he stated to me 99% to your mom and 1% to you. You need to take care of yourself or else. I’ve been doing my best. I’m honestly in better shape than I was a year ago and I’ve been consistently doing my strength training and working out at home. I’ve also been put through the wringer more over the last few months especially over the past two weeks with some unexpected events with mom’s health and have felt defeated. I know that I’m not alone and I remind myself of this every day. My faith is what has been carrying me through this. I also know there is always room for improvement and making adjustments. My mission is to pray for wisdom on how to do this so I can continue this journey.
I’m grateful for the Salvation Army truck that came to the house this morning to pick up some donation items. It’s been quite a task over the last 5 months to be able to go through Dad’s things that I had in boxes. I finally feel like I made some progress in getting things out of his storage shed. My brothers helped me yesterday by giving away a twin bed mattress and frame. It’s these little feats that are worth celebrating!
Last night I was mentally frustrated and did my best to calm my emotions. I went to sleep with a vision of what I wanted to do first thing in the morning before I go to work. I’m proud to say that I did it! I completed a glute exercise and started doing some cleaning that I hadn’t even planned on. Mission Accomplished! I now pray that I can keep my spirit open to what today is going to bring.
I was recently going through one of my accordion organizers when I came across these little pages of things I had written. It literally stopped me in my tracks because I don’t own any small composition books because they are too small. I was looking at these pages and trying to shed some light on when, where, and why because there are more pages and a few were possibly a mixture of a Sunday School lesson and others pondering life decisions. I mean the subject matter in these are from one extreme to the next. I’m only revealing a glimpse into what was coming out of my head at the time of which I am still not sure.
I’m reading some of the words I wrote “Pretend As If”, “Core Values – Center of Orbit”, and “Time in your life when you felt fantastic in the flow”. I’m thinking was this some sort of spontaneous utterance of thoughts or some sort of prompt writing exercise I came across? I read this and it bothers me that I honestly don’t remember anything about these pages that are staring back at me with my very own words. It is scary to be honest with you that I am even sharing them and I am feeling a sense of vulnerability.
I do enjoy reading my journals from past to present and revisiting events and memories. I am always pretty good about writing the date or something that will provide a timeframe of when in my life it was written. This though, remains a mystery. Maybe I need to do more of this and venture out of the box and allow the creative juices to flow.
I felt inspired to take a moment this morning to stop before the day gets ahead of me. This is the first thing that jumped out at me. I know not only for myself that this is a continuous mantra, but I hope you will take these words to heart too.
I’m sharing with you this stripped-down makeup-free photo of me. The photos I post on social media are filter-free with the exception of some Snapchat posts because I have enjoyed the variety of lenses and graphic backgrounds. I have nothing against filters or people who use them in their social media. It’s all a personal preference so to each their own. With the power of makeup, I can conceal and hide any imperfections. I can also enhance other features to lure the eyes away from anything I don’t want you to see.
If there is anything I could use a filter on are the words that can come out of my mouth. Preferably the thoughts that come to my mind before they escape out of my mouth. The saying think before you speak comes to mind and being told this growing up and even telling myself this now as an adult. I have a tendency to react first which immediately reflects in my facial expressions and posture then the words follow that correspond with the expression. It can be both good and bad reactions. If it’s something I find funny I can get the immediate urge to share, but then it’s like wait can I really share this? I find it funny and hilarious, but I have a feeling not everyone will view it the same way. Then there’s the other side of this when it’s something being said or done against me or someone I love, a text, a post, or anything that I don’t agree with or feel defensive about that it can go sideways very easily if I allow my emotions to take over my thoughts and words.
Sometimes it takes me stopping and taking a breath, a distraction, walking away, getting angry, crying, or venting to someone to get to the realization that reacting in this manner is a waste of time, energy and the stress of it is literally detrimental to my health due to my disease. It doesn’t always happen right away it can sometimes take a sleepless night before I come to my senses. Once I let the reaction out of my spirit, it is released and my mind is once again free of unnecessary chaos.
So I will continue to learn how to use filters not only in photos but in any area of my life where it requires it.
The World of Dlo 