Welcome To Summit County Colorado

dlobossLeave a comment

I moved to Breckenridge Colorado over 20 years ago. I had only visited once before and that was only two months prior when I made the decision to move there. I was excited about this new adventure, but also at the same time I felt anxiety over being in these new surroundings so far from home. When I had visited before, I had learned that there was a Breckenridge Town bus and Trolley and there was also the Summit Stage bus that serviced all of Summit County and the best part was that it was free! I sold my car before I moved there so the bus was my main means of transportation. It enabled me to meet new people and build friendships and a couple of those that lead to relationships. I had my favorite town drivers that went out of their way to help me when I would have groceries, they would drop me off closer to my destination than they were supposed to. I got to know each of my regular drivers and would often hang out with them outside of the bus setting. I had one driver that every time I got on her bus, we would end up having these long conversations and more times than not therapy sessions for me! I would stay on her bus longer than I was supposed to just so we could finish what we were talking about! She was so easy to talk to and one of my favorite memories is in the summertime we would hang out at her house and go sunbathing. We often hung out at the local dive bars and play pool.

So there was a bus driver that I had met that I became involved with shortly after meeting him. It was a complete surprise to me because at first, I didn’t like him and I was intimidated by him. He was a no nonsense, sarcastic, brutally honest guy that didn’t hold back in telling you what he thought. He was also overly confident and cocky at times. He was always nice to me but there was just something about him that would get under my skin and I couldn’t figure him out. There was this one night on my way home from work I was on his bus, and I was the only passenger. We were at a bus stop, and he had some time to kill before going to the next stop and we ended up having an interesting conversation and I began to see another side of him. I clearly remember It was a beautiful evening and behind where he was sitting was the moon shining so bright it was enhancing his shadow. He was a tall guy and he reminded me of a football player with his stature and he almost seemed larger than life. All I could see was his eyes and they were piercing. It was that moment that opened the door to us having a friend with benefits relationship. I was in a vulnerable state after my own previous toxic relationship. I was desperate for some attention and assurance that I was wanted, and he was looking to have fun with no strings attached. He provided what I needed at that time, and he was getting what he wanted so it was a win-win for both of us. As time went on, I began to have second thoughts on how long I was willing to take this arrangement. Although I wasn’t seeing anyone while I was with him, I knew I obviously wasn’t the only one he was involved with but when I got the impression that he was with his roommate too, whom I saw all the time, that got to me. It wasn’t long after that we were out and about running errands and on his radio the song American Woman (the Lenny Kravitz version) came on and I remember thinking to myself that I had never heard him sing like that before. You would think he was doing Karaoke or something. Well, that was a premonition of what was to come. He ended things with me shortly after. I can’t remember his speech on why, but I was nonetheless hurt. I still to this day can’t stand that song. In all honesty, I never liked the original either.

Okay one last bus driver story I promise. This driver I had also met when I first moved to Summit County. He wasn’t as outgoing as the other drivers, but he was always helpful and nice. He usually had NPR on his radio and always seemed pensive and deep in thought. It didn’t seem like he was even interested in talking to me so I would keep to myself and waited for him to initiate any conversation. He was a man of very few words but when he did talk, he was always entertaining and would often be sarcastic and funny. When he would smile, his face would light up. I don’t know if I ever told him that, but I wish I had. Slowly but surely, he would talk to me more and then one day out of the blue, he asked me out. I was kind of taken aback and wondered to myself, are you talking to me? The more I got to know him the more I began to realize there was much more to this guy I wanted to see. He was a sweet guy with a good heart. I had a few of my friends question me on why I was seeing him because we were so different but as you know opposites do attract and this was a prime example of that. I was attracted to him in so many ways that I can’t explain. I even still remember the first time we kissed. It was shortly after we started officially seeing each other and we hadn’t even slept together yet and this one day I was dropping him off at his friend’s house and before he walked away, I reached out and grabbed his hoodie and pulled him to me and just laid one on him. I could feel the passion between us. I can’t say I had ever felt that with anyone else before that moment. At times he seemed like an old soul trapped in a young man’s body in just his mannerisms and random things he would say. One of the sweetest things he did for me was let me borrow his truck to run errands and get groceries while he was at work. The CD player in his truck was broken at the time and there was one CD that was stuck inside it so the only thing to listen to was the Papa Roach Infest album. I thank him for that because that was the first time I heard of them, and I’ve been a fan of them ever since. I remember on the days I worked the morning shift, I would walk by his house on my way to the bus stop, and I would always stop by to see him before I went into work. He would be sleeping but I would just lay down next to him to just feel him next to me. Between the time the relationship with the previous driver ended and the start of this one, I was still dealing with the guy from the previous bad relationship that never seemed to leave me alone and only continued to haunt and torture me. So again, this guy was like a safety net and comfort for me. This relationship was short lived and I’ll never forget him using the line “It’s not you, it’s me”. I was still trying to rebuild myself emotionally and my self esteem was at it’s lowest. I was again hoping this relationship would rescue me. I do give him credit because he was honest with me that he had his own issues he was dealing with and wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I still would see him around town, and we would say hi and the usual small talk but unfortunately, it was awkward. I still had moments when I wished I could reach out and kiss him again like the first time. He was the last bus driver I dated. Bus drivers were officially off the list!

So, how bout we move onto musicians? Okay, just one. A mutual friend introduced us and when I first laid eyes on him it was as if the heavens opened, and I could hear the angels singing in the background. I mean seriously. Physically, he was everything I had put together in my mind as my perfect man. The package on the outside was everything I wanted, but the inside contents showed a troubled soul. In the beginning, I was the one being pursued and showered with attention. It was a quite the change from my previous experiences and I loved it. But of course, all good things must come to an end. I began to notice a change in his behavior and I started to feel like I was a yo-yo. One minute he was interested in spending time with me and hanging out and the next he would ignore me and push me away. He was literally just stringing me along. I would always get these mixed signals and never really knew where I stood. This was another friend with benefits relationship or more like an acquaintance with benefits because I never really felt like he opened up to me. He had these walls that you couldn’t break and he always seemed to have his guard up. Nothing happened unless it was convenient for him, so I had to wait for him to contact me to hang out. I was so stupid and naïve that I kept thinking that I could convince him that we could have a real relationship and that I could somehow save him. I’m honestly not sure how this relationship ended. I don’t remember any type of explanation given or any closure. It just literally dissolved. All along I kept going through all these scenarios of what I did wrong and how I failed in this relationship, etc.  It wasn’t until after this point that a mutual acquaintance had provided some explanation into what may have happened. It at least gave me some comfort and shed some light on the situation. It was still unfortunate that it didn’t come straight from him.

These relationships provided some insight into myself that I found disappointing, humiliating, and sad. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I didn’t recognize what I had allowed myself to become. It was because of my lack of confidence and self-esteem and I allowed myself to be controlled by others. My self-worth revolved around my relationships. I needed to be in a relationship because I was afraid to be alone. No matter the cost. I mentioned the term troubled soul earlier. Well, I was the troubled soul and as the old song goes looking for love in all the wrong places well that was the story of my life at the time and the results were obvious. There were random relationships that followed where I found myself in several compromising situations that I’m ashamed of.  It’s by the grace of God that I came out of those situations without being seriously hurt. Through it all, I walked away with some physical, emotional, and mental scars and learned some hard life lessons, but it made me re-evaluate myself and make a promise to not repeat the same pattern and mistakes.

Did I keep that promise? Well, that’s another story to be continued.

Repurpose

dlobossLeave a comment

In August 2007, I purchased my 2007 Toyota Tacoma. I had always dreamed of buying a brand-new truck right off the lot. In early 2007, I started thinking about purchasing a new truck and it almost felt like an urgency, but I didn’t know why. I should mention that before I purchased this truck, I knew I wanted to buy a standard but didn’t know how to drive one. I remember at my previous employment in Property Management, the owner would let me take the old Toyota work trucks when I would do property inspections so I could practice. I picked it up quickly and at the time I also had an older Toyota 4Runner, so I learned on that one too. When it came time to purchase my new truck I was prepared. Well, I was in for a rude awakening because I had the hardest time getting the hang of the new truck. I remember getting up early every morning before work so I could practice driving and taking the truck on hills. I would get so embarrassed because I was always stalling at stop signs and lights! I eventually got the hang of it and drove it for about two months. Shortly after I started having health issues and my vision was starting to be affected. I eventually had to stop driving as a result. It was in October 2007 when I discovered that I had a Craniopharyngioma which is a benign brain tumor and my whole world was about to be turned upside down. After several tests and preparation, my surgery was scheduled for December 2007 to remove the tumor. It was explained to me that the surgery I was about to have was routine surgery and after I was provided with the specifics of the whole procedure, I assured my family that they didn’t need to come to Denver and that Mark would keep them updated. It was also a very brutal winter and since they had never been in that type of weather before, it wasn’t a good idea for them to be there.

During the first surgery, they encountered some unexpected complications and I developed a spinal fluid leak and they were unable to get to the tumor. Mark was informed of the complications and he had to make the difficult call to my family to let them know that things had turned serious and they needed to come. My parents then made the trip and they had never flown before, so this was a first for them and they were in their 70’s. I was so glad I had my truck because Mark’s truck was an older one and it didn’t have an extended cab so it only fit two people. There was no way he would have been able to pick up my parents from the airport and the only other option would have been to rent a car. So, this was the first sign for me as to why there was such an urgency in purchasing the truck when I did.

The next step was preparations for a second surgery to address the spinal fluid leak and the removal of the tumor. This surgery was going to be more intense due to them having to make an incision from ear to ear and remove a portion of my skull. During this surgery, the surgeon had to move my optic nerves out of the way to get to the tumor. As a result of this, I lost half of my central vision and my peripheral vision. I was diagnosed with Traumatic Optic Nerve Neuropathy which pretty much sealed the deal that I would never be able to drive again. It was a hard pill to swallow because I felt I was losing a portion of my independence. Needless to say, I had more important things to worry about because since there was damage to my pituitary gland, I was also diagnosed with Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency and Panhypopituitarism.

As time went on, I began to realize even more that the purchase of this truck was not in vain because we used it to get me to and from my multiple doctor’s appointments in Denver, to and from work, Mark would use it when his truck would be out of commission, and vacations. I depended on Mark and this truck for everything. After Mark left in 2015, I had to figure out what I was going to do with it because I didn’t have anyone to drive it anymore. Luckily, I had help from one of the detectives at work Jared Dennis who help me with advertising the truck for sale on Craigslist. He helped me sort out the serious inquiries and sure enough one guy who was interested drove up from Denver in a blizzard, so I knew this guy was serious. Jared helped me meet up with him and he took him on the test drive of the truck and sure enough the truck was sold! I will never forget what Jared did for me because he not only helped me sell the truck, but he helped me close that chapter in my life.

I held onto my license plates all these years knowing that I wanted to do something with them but just didn’t know what exactly. Last week, I pulled them out of a storage box and I looked up ideas on Pinterest. Low and behold, I saw license plates used as roofs of bird houses. I enjoy seeing the birds that come to use our bird bath and eat the bird seed I put out in the yard for them so it was a no brainer. I showed my brother the ideas I found and he was able to make one for me. I absolutely love it and I placed it outside my window. Those license plates remind me of a chapter in my life when I was dependent on Mark and the truck to get me everywhere I needed to go. When I sold it, it was not only a closure of the ownership of the truck, but also my relationship with Mark.

Now, I have repurposed the license plates and it’s now for the birds.

The Cuartito

dlobossLeave a comment

The Cuartito (Small Room) has always been my dad’s man cave for as long as I can remember. This is his work shed and his place of escape. I can remember growing up and when we had anything that broke or we no longer had use of rather than dispose of it, dad would put it in the cuartito. If we ran out of space in the house for things, they would end up in the cuartito never to be seen again. When I was little it seemed like it was huge space for as many things that ended up there. You would think it was a whole other house when in fact it’s only about 10 feet wide and 16 feet long. One thing about my dad is that even though there were a bunch of random items in that small space he had it organized and grouped according to size and categories. He would use clear jars of food that had screw on tops and would clean them and remove the wrapping and use them to store nuts, bolts, nails, etc. He repurposed a lot of things but other things he held onto for other reasons I never knew. The funny thing is that dad knew exactly what he had in the midst of that storage chaos. There was a method to the madness. If anyone needed any random tools, camping or fishing equipment, etc they knew to come to dad because he most likely had what they needed. I remember dad even still had his old Army cots and we would use those when we went camping.

Before I moved back home, the cuartito came in handy for me as a storage space for my own boxes that I had shipped prior to my arrival. After being here a little over two years, I’ve begun to see the cuartito in a whole other light. Little by little I’ve managed to convince my parents to get rid of things and I’ve had Goodwill come several times and pick up donation items. The city has specific dates throughout the year when they collect bulk items so that was another option I used. I had to learn to take it slow and not just start getting rid of stuff even though that’s what I wanted to do. I had to respect the fact that some of the items were of value to them and they had held onto them for sentimental reasons. They have definitely come a long way and let go of quite a few items.

My dad has is older and isn’t able to do as much work around the house and yard like he used to. With this being said, he doesn’t hang out as much in the cuartito anymore other than to organize the items that are still stored there and shred papers. It’s now become my place to escape, unwind, and workout out on the elliptical machine since that is also stored there. I will only go there when he’s not there because I don’t want to intrude on his cuartito time. Even though I often feel like I am intruding by just being inside it. When it’s my time, I find myself looking around and I’ll see little treasures that I had never seen before or knew that he had. It’s almost like a glimpse into my dad’s world. He has a bunch of random items hanging from pegs on the wall, in clear jars, boxes of books, cassette tapes and VCR’S, etc. I will sit there and try to figure out why he has held onto them and what purpose they serve. I also try to imagine a story behind each piece. Many times it makes no sense to me but I’m sure it makes sense to him. Therefore, what’s there will continue to be a part of the cuartito as long he wishes them to be.

I’m Not In The Mood. There, I Said It.

dlobossLeave a comment

When I worked at Foley’s Department store and Sears, I had the opportunity to work with the visual merchandising teams and would also be responsible for decorating the entire store for the holidays. Visual merchandising was my dream job and I loved every aspect of it. I thrived in that role and I was in heaven! Then once when we had to start decorating for Christmas right after Halloween, I began to dread the holidays. I just couldn’t get into the groove of Christmas and all that came with it that early. Since I worked in retail, it was mandatory to work the holidays and the days after Thanksgiving and Christmas which I absolutely hated because of all the chaos. The attitude of Bah Humbug was born!

Fast forward to living in Colorado and my first of many white Christmases which I loved. I lived in a quaint small ski resort town and it was beautiful during the holidays. It was like living in a postcard. I worked retail for a while in the beginning but it was nothing as bad as my experiences with Foley’s and Sears. I was working in a T-shirt/Souvenir shop so low key, no stress, and very laid back. Then after retail, my following employments not only gave us the holidays off, but we would also get paid! What more could I want?

I have some holiday memories of the first few years of living in Colorado where my friends and coworkers would get together since most of us didn’t have family to spend with. Those were good memories that I won’t forget. I’m not gonna lie, there were also times I spent with people I didn’t really know or like but had no one else to hang out with. I remember instances where the guys I dated didn’t celebrate the holidays so I would end up alone or hanging out at the bar with them. That definitely didn’t put me in the mood. I’m not proud of this but I remember one Christmas Eve I spent the night with a guy I had just met because I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

During my 14 year relationship, he wasn’t much for the holidays and I think he would make the traditional holiday meals just to amuse me. He knew I missed my family during the holidays and he did his best to make it special. Since he was a chef, more times than not he was also working during that time. I think he dreaded the holidays just as much as I did but for the reason that he was extremely busy and working long hours and me because again I was alone. Here again comes the attitude of Bah Humbug! After he left, I made it my mission to decorate my deck with lights and put up my Christmas tree. From then on, I was never alone again during the holidays thanks to my close friends and neighbors who lived downstairs from me.

So, over the last year of being back in Texas I’ve had a different perspective. Now, I’m home with family and friends and I can appreciate the holiday season more and the true meaning. I still can’t grasp decorating right after Halloween, or listening to Christmas music, or watching any Christmas movies. So still not in the mood, but I’ll get there.

Allow Me to Introduce Wonder Woman & Spider Man

dlobossLeave a comment

I bet you didn’t know that this whole time, I’ve been living with Wonder Woman and Spider Man. Yes, I’ve kept it to myself this whole time but now it’s time to share. It’s a good thing my parents don’t have social media much less know how to use it or understand how it works because they would probably freak out if they knew I was sharing this. We all go through stages in our lives where we are faced with certain limitations that never used to be a problem but all of a sudden has become an issue in some way shape or form. I’ve learned this not only through myself but more through my elderly parents. I always hear them say that they have always been able to do this or that with no help. Now it’s become apparent to them and me that they do in fact need help with sometimes the simplest things. In their minds, they can do anything and everything and it’s business as usual but unfortunately, their bodies beg to differ. My job is to be an extension of their arms and legs and to help with anything that I can. If they are outside in the backyard and I’m home, I’m constantly looking to see where they are and what they are doing. First of all, I’m making sure my mom has her walker and that she’s actually using it. She enjoys tending to her plants, watering the yard, feeding the birds, and filling the bird bath. I’ll get the water hose positioned where she can sit on her walker and water what she needs to. My dad, he’s pretty independent and he’s usually doing yard work like trimming, digging up weeds, and blowing leaves. He has trouble at times with his own mobility but doesn’t want to use a cane or walker. I have to keep an eye on him too because at times it’s difficult for him to lift his legs when he’s walking and he has balance issues too. He’s unable to do so much physical yard work or landscaping anymore which thankfully my brother helps with this once a week. More times than not, my dad is straightening and shredding papers in his work shed that we call the “Cuatito”. With my mom, I can often times predict what she’s thinking of doing and I’ll try to beat her to it if I see that it’s going to be too much for her physically to do. If anything, I try to compromise with her and still let her do what she wants but I will be there to help. Again, this is all on the basis that I’m actually home. When I’m not home, well that’s another story because there’s no telling what trouble they can get into!

I’ve mentioned to my parents that the time may come when we will need to look into getting help with those tasks that they can’t do anymore but they aren’t quite ready to entertain that thought yet. I can understand when you feel like you’re losing your independence you feel like you’re losing a bit of yourself. I get that because my situation of not being able to drive can be frustrating. I can’t just pick up and go when I want to. It’s a whole process of scheduling transportation, how much is it going to cost me and I’m dependent on someone else’s time. I don’t like it but it’s my only choice. With my parent’s it’s the same concept in that they too can’t just pick up and go when they want to because my dad can’t drive very far from the house anymore and if it’s raining, he really won’t want to drive even if it’s close to the house. I have to utilize other transportation options for them too. Driving is part of my dad’s independence which is slowly coming to an end. The independence of working on the house and doing little maintenance projects like he was used to doing is no longer an option for him. I know this bothers him and I don’t blame him.

You won’t believe this, but they do have their moments when all of a sudden a change takes place and they take on the personas of Wonder Woman & Spider Man. Yes, I have witnessed this firsthand! One example of this happened recently after I got home from work. I walked in the door and I see my mom sitting down in her recliner I could tell right away something was wrong. She didn’t look like she was feeling well and also had a guilty look on her face so I knew right away something happened. She had fought a battle and came out a little bruised. She had been sitting down at the table in the backyard reading, taking in the beauty of the sunny day, and enjoying the sounds of the birds. Then suddenly, she has the urge to repot one of her plants. She had been planning this mission for a while but wouldn’t share the specifics with me as far as what, when, how, and where. It was on a “need to know” basis. So, here she goes making her way to the fence, and starts digging a hole (don’t think the thought of the position of the walker in relation to her was in the plan). Next thing you know, something is taking over her body and it slowly takes her down to the ground. Well, let me back up and say that she was bent over from the beginning so that didn’t help her cause. So now she’s on the ground and contemplating how she’s going to get up. Dad on the other hand was busy in his cuatito doing his own thing and he’s hard of hearing so he probably wouldn’t have heard her crying out for help. That’s a whole other story for another post! To continue, she’s trying to work up another plan of how to get up from the ground. Thank God the fence was there and somehow she managed to reach up and slowly get up. It took a while, but she did it and it also came with a price. Yes, a price of a cut on the inside of her hand, sore neck and muscles, and plenty of heat patches and Icy Hot. I know you’re wondering….what was the outcome of the task she was in the middle of when this unfortunate mishap occurred? Mission Accomplished! Yes, she is Wonder Woman!

Just when you think the story has ended, there’s more. So, rewind back to when I arrived home from work and I see my mom and she’s detailing her battle from the day. I walk to the backdoor and look outside and ask where dad is. As I mentioned earlier, dad is very independent when it comes to being outside doing his tasks. He’s a very quiet man and keeps to himself. He’s always thinking always planning and he doesn’t share. He keeps it all inside and when he’s ready to share what’s on his mind, watch out! So back to the story, as I’m asking where dad is I’m looking out the window only to see Spider Man in the cuatito with one leg on a table and the other on the ladder holding a big object in his hands. I’m in the middle of WTF and running to the cuatito to witness this firsthand! I run in and again WTF and attempt to take on the burden of this heavy object (big heavy luggage) that is about to overtake him. Actually, this object was about to take us both out but suddenly my own Wonder Woman strength kicks in and saves the day! Spider-Man has been spared as well! Just like my mom, my dad’s day started just as innocently. He was also enjoying his day outside listening to his music on cassette tapes (yes, my dad still has a tape player and cassette tapes), moving things in his shed from one place to another, organizing, sweeping, etc. Then suddenly, something catches his eye and he gets inspired to hang the heaviest object up on the wall while hanging from one leg on the ladder. Oh, Spider-Man what were you thinking!

Living with Wonder Woman and Spider Man can be enlightening, entertaining, challenging, frustrating, mind-boggling, and physically and mentally demanding. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful they still have that fight inside to keep moving (even though it’s a lot slower) despite their physical limitations. I wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s a fine balance between respecting them to let them do what they want to do but not to the point where they can hurt themselves. I take it one day at a time and I’ve learned to be prepared because I never know what journey these two are going to take me on!

A Big Pile of Crap

dloboss1 Comment

We recently had a project done at the house where we had to have the original cast iron pipes replaced underneath the house. I believe this house was built in 1959. My parents have lived in this house this whole time and we all grew up in this house. Thankfully, they have never had to do any major repairs to it over the years so this was the first real major project it’s ever faced. My dad has always handled any minor maintenance issues and painting that needed to be done to the house, but over the last few years, he’s physically been unable to keep up with those things. The health issues of both of both of them took priority. Over the last year of being here, I’ve taken on the responsibility of helping take care of them along with handling any issues with the house.

The plumbing issues that have been around for a few years had just progressively gotten worse to where we were faced with the need to replace the old pipes. The main and most challenging part of this whole process was explaining to mom and dad the who, why, what, where, and how. This was a conversation that not only took place multiple times before the project even started but multiple times during the project up until the very end. This was a very stressful and anxious time for them because it was a project that they had never had to face before. It required a lot of patience to explain the process to them the best way I knew how and to take any questions or concerns to the contractor and his team. It was a continuous conversation that often involved talking them off the ledge and assuring them everything was going to be fine. I was also telling myself this so I could remain strong and in control for their benefit. Luckily, we were able to stay in the house for the beginning of them digging the hole in the backyard and making a tunnel underneath the house where the pipes were. For the part where they were going to be removing and replacing the pipes, we obviously couldn’t be in the house. We were originally told it was going to take a full day to have this done. One of my brother’s came to the rescue and took them to stay with him for a couple of days. This was a much needed mini vacation for them both. Luckily, it only took a few hours and the project was a success. I needed that mini vacation to take a moment to breathe and reflect on what just happened.

It reminded me of how our lives can be turned upside down in an instant. Life can feel like someone dug a hole inside of us and turned our insides out and there is just a pile of crap left. It looks huge and intimidating and you wonder, where did all this crap come from? What am I supposed to do with it? Where am I gonna put it?

Then suddenly you receive a helping hand, guidance, wisdom, and answered prayer and things start coming together. The next thing you know that pile of crap suddenly no longer looks as big as it once did or it’s gone completely as if it was never there to begin with. I took photos of the progression of this project and that’s what came to my mind after seeing the photo taken at the end. It looks like nothing ever happened.

All I Want Is A Fort and Tortillas

dlobossLeave a comment

Today, my brother was sharing a memory of the day my sister was born and how my mom dropped him and my other brother off at my grandmother’s house while she was on her way to the hospital. They passed the time playing and building forts and remembers another reason why it was so much fun because my grandmother had made homemade tortillas and a pot of beans. It brought back memories of when I was little and would often build forts with two or more chairs and put a couple of sheets or blankets over them. I would also go underneath the kitchen table if I wanted a bigger fort. I also had my other special hiding place in my closet where there was this little teeny tiny space off to the side where you could crawl onto a shelf behind my clothes. I would visit that space quite often to escape whatever scared me whether real or imaginary. I felt safe and secure in my forts and closet where no one could see me and I was invisible to the world as if for that moment I didn’t exist.

Today, I really needed a fort to escape what was before me. I wanted to run into my closet and hide from reality. It’s challenging when you’re dealing with other people’s emotions, fears, joys, pains, struggles, etc when you have your own to process and deal with. I guess this may be how it feels when you have children. You want to fix everything, make everything right, take away anything that may cause them harm, keep them safe, and have control. When I was little, I could get away with hiding to escape and when I was ready to face life again, I came out. It didn’t take very long because I was claustrophobic. Then all was well with the world until I got scared again then back to the closet. I spent a lot of time alone so that hiding place was my friend. As a child, it was so easy for me to hide and I honestly felt like it solved all my problems no matter how big or small. As an adult, it’s not so easy. I have responsibilities not only to myself but to others and I can’t afford to hide or escape. I’m recognizing that as I’ve gotten older, it’s harder to face certain things that never used to bother me before. It’s a scary feeling when you come to terms with this reality and how your mind can deceive you at times. I think for me now that I’m recognizing this, I can deal with it without any shame because I know that I’m not alone. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but all things are possible through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.

I was physically, mentally, and emotionally drained from today’s events. No need to share at this time what took place, but despite the information overload, questions, frustrations, doubt, and taking extra steroids to deal with all this, it was still a good day and I’m grateful for how things played out. I even found time to laugh in the midst of this.

I can’t do what I used to do and hide out in my forts or closet anymore (or can I?) to escape reality and close out the world, but I can make me some homemade tortillas and a pot of beans!

Who’s The Enemy?

dloboss2 Comments

Enemy- A person who is actively opposed or hostile to someone or something. A thing that harms or weakens something else.

It’s been 12 years since I was diagnosed with Panhypopituitarism, Hypothyroid, Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency, and Traumatic Optic Nerve Neuropathy. Over the last 6 years I’ve been battling Steroid Myopathy and over the last 2 years, it’s progressed to the point of me needing to use a cane for mobility. I’ve had 8 different Endocrinologist’s in a 11 year span. Now technically I have my 9th one but, that was due to moving to Texas. It was a series of relationships that seemed more one sided to me. They were the experts in my medical conditions and based off of the information in my file, tests, results, etc they would put together their chemistry experiments of different medications and use them on me. They consistently would never take my questions, opinions, concerns, or experience in living with these conditions on a daily basis into account. It was all about them being in control of my treatment. They were too busy playing “god” to realize what they were doing. To be fair, in hindsight I do wish I knew more about my disease at that time to be able to have some ammunition with me when I went to these appointments. I could’ve challenged their theories and facts. But no, I was naive and took what they said as the gospel and continued to play lab rat for them. All the chemistry experiments were always the same just different versions. Bottom line, none of them worked. They were exhausting, they wasted my time, my money, and my energy that I didn’t have to spare. To me, each of these physicians were the enemy and they were winning this battle. I reached so many lows that there wasn’t any more low to go. I was below ground and in denial that I wasn’t depressed. Among the many routine questions asked by my physicians were the following. Do you experience depression? Are you a threat to yourself or someone else? My answer always was no, I’m pissed off! As far as the second question, I was biting my tongue because I was so frustrated and angry that I wanted to say yes, because I wanted to lash out at them and scream! I remember one time I left one of my physician’s office so upset and crying that I went into the women’s bathroom and made sure it was empty first and just started kicking the bathroom stall doors. In reality, I was depressed but just didn’t want to admit it to myself.

One day in 2013, a light bulb came on in my head and I had the thought that there must be other people dealing with this same issue with physicians not treating their medical conditions property. I can’t be the only one! There has to be some sort of support group for people who have my disease. So in comes Facebook to the rescue! The one thing I had determined to stay away from because I thought it was the enemy. Well, it can be both your enemy and friend and a love hate relationship. In this situation, it became my friend because I discovered a whole other world of support groups of people who are battling the same diseases I have. You cannot imagine my amazement when I realized that I wasn’t alone in this! I’m not crazy (well….sometimes) or imagining things (well…sometimes), but not in this case of my health and the physical and mental toll it was taking on me. Some physicians have a way of making you feel like you don’t know what you’re talking about and because you’re not the one with the medical degrees you’re clueless about your own health. I started to feel empowered by what I was learning and being able to share my experiences frustrations, and questions with others and them sharing the same thing with me. I could take what I was learning from the support groups to my physicians and actually have a discussion about it. The tides were beginning to change and I was beginning to realize that I needed to be my own advocate.

The tides took time to change and they are still changing. This process requires determination, patience, education, vulnerability, honesty, and lots of hard work. It’s not for the faint of heart. You can feel like you took a step forward and then literally get knocked back on your ass like you never even moved. Even in the midst of this you see you’ve made some progress and it though it may be small, you can’t and must not give up. I slowly began to see that maybe the physicians weren’t the only enemy. Maybe I was also the enemy. I wasn’t being proactive in my health. I was taking their word for everything. I was allowing others to control how I was feeling and feeling guilty for feeling the way I was. I was depressed and down I couldn’t see how to get up. I was in the dark and couldn’t see until that day when the light came on. The light of support and help.

The relationship with my current Endocrinologist for the past year has been interesting to say the least. I don’t see her as the enemy. I see her as someone who is willing to hear my opinions, frustrations, concerns, and questions. She’s honest and doesn’t mince words which I respect because I’m the same way. She’s opening my eyes to certain aspects of this disease that I honestly hadn’t thought of or knew about. She seems to have a genuine concern for my health which in turn gives me more confidence to try other options in my treatment. No other physician I’ve had ever took the time explore other options. Well, the tides are changing quickly as we speak because I’m taking on an experiment with my steroid medication. I’ve been on steroids for 12 years. Without steroids, I would die so I’m steroid dependent and that’s a fact. Now, while steroids are my lifesaver, they are also my enemy because of the extensive list of side effects. One of the main side effects I experience is the Steroid Myopathy which causes muscle weakness in your limbs. The higher the dosage, the worse the effects. Hence, me using the cane for mobility. My arms also experience weakness to where at times it’s difficult to lift my arms above my head or hold objects in my hands for too long. My Endocrinologist is adamant that I lower my daily steroid dosage to a level I’ve never been at before much less entertained. I’ve survived at a certain dosage level for years and never imagined being on anything less because I didn’t think I could function. She stated that if I don’t try this, my steroid myopathy will only get worse along with my mobility and I could end up bedridden. Well, that’s not an option.

Knowing what I know now, I no longer go with the preconceived notion that any physician I see is the enemy. I have more of an open mind to give them the opportunity to share with me their professional opinion, diagnosis and treatment options before judging them. I can no longer allow myself to be my own worst enemy because that will hinder any progress in my life both professionally, physically and mentally. I’ve found that by taking the time to research, ask questions, look for answers, seeking out resources, and most importantly, asking for help, will make my life a little easier to manage. We need to be friends not enemies.

Mom Put the Machete Down

dlobossLeave a comment

My mom’s go to knife is a big butcher knife. I call it a machete because it’s the biggest knife we have. It’s not a part of a set but stands alone. This machete will be used for anything from cutting tomatoes, vegetables, potatoes, buttering bread, stirring things in a pot and pan, and even slicing cake. It’s a “jack of a trades” kind of knife in our house. What’s amazing is that it’s always sharp. I always joke with her and tell her to put the machete down and grab another knife please! Seeing her use that one makes me nervous because she can be a little shaky at times. I’ve now even found myself using it too because the other knives we have are literally not the sharpest ones on the block. A memory of my grandmother De Los Santos came to mind recently. I remember her always being in the kitchen cooking for anyone who came by the house and she also would always have a big butcher knife in her hand for everything. She would be telling stories and laughing in the kitchen while waving the knife around in her hand. We would be ducking our heads to make sure we didn’t get caught in the crossfire! I’ve asked mom why do you use this knife? What’s your beef with the other knives? She just says she likes this one and is comfortable using it.

She feels comfortable using the biggest knife for the smallest task. In life, we go through struggles, disappointments, doubts, or whatever trial we face and we feel like we need to pick up our own machete and attack. I’m looking at one of the mountains in front of me and I’m starting my plan of attack. It’s looking pretty massive and intimidating. I can honestly say, I’ve never faced this mountain before. If anything, I’ve been avoiding it for years. Something tells me it’s time to face it. I’m starting to reach out to my Adrenal Insufficiency support groups and looking to those who have faced this mountain or are currently facing it now and wanting to know how they handled it. I’m wanting to know what worked or didn’t work for them. Give me insight people! Tell me the the juicy details! Throw me a bone! Well, as I hear more of their experiences, it provides both positive and negative feedback. I hear the advice of make sure you do this, make sure you don’t do that, don’t forget to do this, and you’re gonna face this obstacle, you’re gonna be denied the first time, second time, third time, it’s gonna take years to get accepted, blah, blah, blah. After hearing all this, I find myself looking at my own machete and thinking…I need a bigger one! Go big or go home!

So back to the drawing board and Amazon looking for a bigger machete. The biggest badass machete I can find (that’s Amazon Prime 2 day free shipping) because I need it fast! I wonder if comes in a set? So much energy goes into the planning of attack that by the time you go to battle, you’re gonna be wiped out and not going to have the strength to continue. Then no matter how big your machete is, you’re not gonna be able to fight. Sometimes clarity can come in when we’re at our most vulnerable. If you’re listening, there’s a voice that will speak to you. Everyone has a voice that speaks to them. That voice of reason or your conscience. The voice that speaks to me is God. He’s telling me to stop planning my attack. He’s telling me to give up and let go. Stop listening to the outside noise of other’s opinions and advice. I need to trust Him. Put the machete down.