I’ve never been much of a green thumb but plants have always brought me peace and joy. After the previous freezes we experienced, we lost a few plants so I’m starting over again. The first two plants are Poinsettias which were gifted to me by a supervisor I had at a temporary job I worked at in December 2018. They had beautiful yellow flowers at the time but the flowers have never bloomed again. I always continued to water them even though at times it looked like they were beyond saving. Something just told me to keep watering them because they would bounce back. I still haven’t seen any more blooms but they are still so vibrant and green so I will continue to care for them.
The Elephant Ears plant is one of my mom’s favorites. This particular plant literally was at death’s door when we had our last freeze but again I wasn’t about to give up. I cut away all the dead leaves which was pretty much the whole plant but I knew it was going to grow back. The Roses have bloomed and continued to surprise me despite looking at times like they are not coming back. Some of the other plants were gifts from 6 months ago, Mom’s birthday, Mother’s Day, and one that my brother brought over has wildflowers (the yellow flowers) which I’m anxious to see how it continues to bloom.
I have some plants that I keep indoors like my Peace Lilly, Bamboo, and an Ivy plant. Being surrounded by greenery and flowers not only cleans the air but to me brings a sense of peace and tranquility. The plants show me that they need the proper amount of water, light, plant food, and love in order to continue to grow. Sometimes I don’t know how to care for them and I move them around until I find the right spot for them where they thrive. It’s basically a trial and error for me when it comes to plants. It’s kind of like our lives in how we need to provide ourselves with the proper nourishment, water, and self-care in order to continue to grow and thrive. We have our times when we feel like nothing we do is working or making a difference, we feel stuck in one place and don’t know how to get out of it, but we can’t give up on ourselves. We need to try a new approach, think outside of the box, maybe take a risk, anything to say at least we tried rather than just thinking about it and wondering what if. I just tried this with one of my plants where nothing I was doing was working and the roots were coming to the surface. I decided to take a chance and separate the leaves and replant them in different smaller pots and I added plant food and water. Now, I just wait and see if my efforts will make a difference. I have no idea but it’s worth the risk. That is how my life is at this moment. I have no idea what I’m doing is making a difference, but I know I can’t give up. I have a feeling some new blooms are coming.
It has been six months since my dad Santos De Los Santos passed. The Lord made it possible that dad was here at home and left peacefully in his home surrounded by his family. I had the blessing to be at his side the moment he passed and left this earth. Thankfully, I was not alone and had my sister with me as we witnessed this moment together.
Allow me to provide some insight into how we got to this place. I was always daddy’s little girl, and we were always close because we bonded over cracking jokes and laughing, and we enjoyed watching baseball, movies, and old detective shows like Columbo and Jesse Stone with Tom Selleck. He was the strong silent type who did not really say much unless you got him talking about things he was interested in like anything to do with history, World War I & II, westerns, and the Bible. Aside from that, he would not really share his feelings or thoughts and it would just remain a mystery until he reached his breaking point, and he would let it out.
I moved to Colorado in my mid-twenties and would come home to visit once or twice a year. I lived in Colorado for twenty years then made the decision to move back to Texas in 2018 to take care of mom and dad. Mom’s health had been a rollercoaster, to say the least so up until this point dad was able to do it on his own, but he was getting older and needing more assistance with mom due to her health becoming increasingly challenging. So here I come not fully aware of what was in store for us as I move back to live with mom and dad. It was a learning experience to get to know my mom and dad all over again and the dynamics of their relationship on a daily basis. It was a fine line between learning how to still give them their space as well as establishing my own. It was a process in attempting to organize the house and try not to step on any toes at the same time. That was especially challenging when it came to the storage shed in the backyard and convincing them to downsize.
Dad was my constant in so many ways and very predictable. When I was dealing with mom’s medical issues, I could count on dad being good and going with the flow. He was low maintenance and that made my life easier since I needed to focus on mom. I was here 24/7 and became more involved as their advocate when it came to their healthcare and speaking with their Physicians, helping them with their bills, things associated with the house, and basically every aspect of their lives. Dad had his own health issues, and I did my best to keep on him when it came to him taking his medications, and drinking his water, which was a constant battle, his diet, and everything else his doctor would order.
Over the last couple of years, I began to see him starting to slow down even more, he was starting to shrink before my eyes, and he was becoming more fatigued. Every time I brought it to the attention of his doctor, it was shrugged off as aging because the blood work they would order would always come out normal. Then suddenly, he started having anxiety attacks and becoming agitated which is not in my dad’s nature. After much persistence and after a series of events, his doctor finally listened to me and ordered a series of evaluations of my dad. Ultimately, he was placed under Hospice care. I was grateful for this because I told his doctor prior to this that I felt a sense of urgency with dad, yet I didn’t know why I felt this way. I just knew he needed to be in Hospice ASAP. From the day he was admitted into Hospice here at home to the day he passed was 15 days. The last month of his life was something for which I was not prepared. I had been caring for my mom and helping her with the basic everyday tasks that you and I take for granted. That was like second nature to me but to do that for my dad was a different story. That was something I had not imagined I would have to do. It was those moments that I had to set aside that I was his daughter, I put on my nurse hat.
I will never forget this one incident at night when he passed out in the bathroom, and he had ended up lodged in between the toilet and bathtub. I called 911 and they arrived for lift assistance. After the paramedics left, I realized that he needed to be cleaned and changed but it was going to require me to get him in the shower. Now, I had not assisted him in the shower before this point, so this was unfamiliar territory for both of us. He was also at the point where he was not talking as much, but his face said everything. He had this deer in headlights expression and all I could say was I am sorry dad, but I need to do this. He put his arms around his head as if to block what was about to take place. It hurt me so much to put him through that, but I had no choice. I just remember praying that I could get him on the bench in the tub safely without him falling. It was one of the toughest moments I faced with him.
It was determined at this point that my dad had been suffering from internal bleeding coming from a leak in his replaced heart valve that had succeeded in its life expectancy. As a result, he was very weak, had a loss of appetite, constantly sleeping, and was unable to care for himself. I do not know how I was physically able to move and lift him to and from his bed to his wheelchair, but the Lord gave me the physical strength I needed. It was also the Lord who gave me the mental strength to deal with what was unfolding before my eyes with my dad bleeding out and I could not do anything about it.
One amazing thing is that my dad never once complained about being in pain. When he was still talking, I would ask him what he was thinking or what he thought was happening. He would only tell me he was not in pain and that his body was just cleansing itself. I did not want to press him further, so I just accepted what he said. As I mentioned before, he was always the strong silent type, and all the way to the end, he remained quiet. I made it a point every time I would clean and change him, I would joke with him and try to redirect him not only for him but for me too. It would happen more times than not in the middle of the night, and he would ring his bell to summon me. I would tell him he would do it on purpose. Let me tell you that he was always cold, so he had about six blankets on his bed, long johns, socks, flannel, a beanie, and gloves on all the time. Some nights I would have the heater on for him too in his room. So, when I would go in there and tend to him, I would be sweating bullets by the time I was done and felt like I had just finished a workout. The night before he passed, I was tending to him and had to put on clean long johns. He could not help me, so I was struggling to put them on and finally, I get them on and realize that I had put them on backward. Even though he was not talking he could still understand what was going on and hear me. I told him I was not going to fix his long johns and that when he gets up, he would have to walk backward! He did crack a smile after that. I remember telling him often that I was going to care for him up until the Lord says he is ready for him. Until then, he is still stuck with me.
Before he went, I apologized to him and asked him for forgiveness for being so rough on him. Because I relied on him for being so constant in always being here to help me with mom and being my right-hand man. When he was beginning to decline and he was changing physically and mentally, I began to resent him because I needed him to be strong and capable. He was not living up to my expectations and I was beginning to resent him for that. That was not fair because he had done his part and held up what his wedding vows stated to death do us part. He was there for mom through it all. He was strong and capable when he needed to be. It was now his turn to rest from all he did.
On November 26, 2022, it was around 9:15pm when the medical examiner officially pronounced him. It was between 7:30-7:45pm when he passed in the presence of myself and my sister. I told him our time together was not finished until I walked him and the medical examiner placed him in his vehicle. I did not grieve for my dad after his passing. I had to take my own health into consideration because of the stress of everything that occurred, I had to inject myself a couple of times with my emergency steroid to avoid having an adrenal crisis. I did not want to end up in the hospital on top of everything that just took place. I had to focus on mom because I was not sure how she was going to be after losing the love of her life of sixty-seven-plus years. Over the last six months, it’s been all about mom. When I go into my dad’s shed in the backyard, that is where I feel close to him, and more times than not, I’m usually yelling at him and asking him why he had so much crap, sorry but not sorry for giving away most of his things to Salvation Army and Goodwill, and asking him where are the brand new box cutters and garden gloves are that I bought him that he never used. You get the point; it is where I can have a conversation with him and hope he is still listening to me.
Thank you, dad, for the time we had together, and it was an honor to be the one to care for you until our journey was complete. I hope you were proud of me. I love you daddy.
Through the years during my different work experiences, I have kept a list of things that I would observe that I hoped one day I would be able to incorporate into my own life. In those particular moments of observation, it wasn’t the right time or circumstances to entertain the thought of making those a part of my life. I would often get discouraged and feel like a failure because it felt like maybe I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or talented enough to pursue these goals for myself. I continued to make mental notes of these goals and hold them close to my heart because I had a feeling that maybe just maybe one day they would happen.
It is easy to get caught up with life and your responsibilities that your dreams and goals for yourself get pushed aside. You can even feel a sense of guilt for thinking of yourself. This has been me for the past 5 years but I have also had a sense that this journey has been a preparation for what is ahead to bring those goals to life. All I will say at this point is today was the first day that I can see a portion of my goals coming to fruition. I will continue to pray and believe that everything will fall into place in God’s time.
Do you see how this is blank? Well, I had big plans for today, and little did I know what was in store for me.
Our morning began normally then within an hour I’m doubled over in pain from my abdomen. I hadn’t been sick so this came out of the blue. I tried to power through because I needed to tend to mom to get her morning routine going. Luckily, today was her scheduled shower in the morning from her Hospice Aide so after she was finished with mom, I asked her for her help so I could give myself the emergency injection of steroids that I so desperately needed in order to avoid an adrenal crisis. I also had to call Helping Our Seniors to see if they could provide a caregiver at the last minute to come to stay with mom while I got myself together to get to the clinic. Thankfully, the caregiver arrived within the hour and so did one of my brothers. I arranged for my transportation to the clinic through my friend Ted who happened to be available. My sweet cousin Lucy was also available for my transportation home. I’m so blessed with all these amazing people in my life who are here for me in my time of need.
I made it to the nearby TX Med Clinic which I had never been to before but honestly wanted to avoid the ER. It was a good decision aside from them making me complete a form on the mobile app only for it to cut out midway through and then I had to fill out paperwork all the while in pain, in tears, and about to pass out. I finally get in to see their Dr who ruled out the usual issues they look for with my symptoms but unfortunately, he couldn’t offer me any insight about the cause. It ended with pretty much what I expected him to say which is to follow up with my Primary Dr. Another thing that was unexpected was the Dr actually asked to give me a hug before he walked out. By the end of my time at the clinic, the pain had subsided but just left me weak and tired.
So as the day went on, I was just trying to process what happened and what the possible cause could be. Then like a light bulb moment, I remember that I had an abdominal sonogram completed a couple of months ago that my Primary Dr had ordered. The results showed an issue and I was provided a referral for a Specialist. Funny enough I told my Primary Dr that I was going to hold off on seeing the Specialist because what they saw hadn’t been giving me any problems and that I don’t have time for it because I have mom to take care of, financially can’t afford to do it, etc. I’m sure I gave a pretty good list of valid excuses. All of this to say, I suddenly hear that voice inside telling me what more needs to happen before I get your attention? Yes, God, I hear you. I’m listening.
Yesterday, I called in a request for mom’s Hospice nurse to come over and check on her due to an issue we had in the morning. Toward the end of the visit, he stated to me 99% to your mom and 1% to you. You need to take care of yourself or else. I’ve been doing my best. I’m honestly in better shape than I was a year ago and I’ve been consistently doing my strength training and working out at home. I’ve also been put through the wringer more over the last few months especially over the past two weeks with some unexpected events with mom’s health and have felt defeated. I know that I’m not alone and I remind myself of this every day. My faith is what has been carrying me through this. I also know there is always room for improvement and making adjustments. My mission is to pray for wisdom on how to do this so I can continue this journey.
I’m grateful for the Salvation Army truck that came to the house this morning to pick up some donation items. It’s been quite a task over the last 5 months to be able to go through Dad’s things that I had in boxes. I finally feel like I made some progress in getting things out of his storage shed. My brothers helped me yesterday by giving away a twin bed mattress and frame. It’s these little feats that are worth celebrating!
Last night I was mentally frustrated and did my best to calm my emotions. I went to sleep with a vision of what I wanted to do first thing in the morning before I go to work. I’m proud to say that I did it! I completed a glute exercise and started doing some cleaning that I hadn’t even planned on. Mission Accomplished! I now pray that I can keep my spirit open to what today is going to bring.
The World of Dlo 