Author: dloboss

I have recently across some pictures that I took when I was living in Colorado. The photos that got my attention were from February 2016 and it is interesting to see what views prompted a photo then and years later to see how they moved me now. At that time, I was still dealing with the end of my 14-year relationship four months prior. I made a conscious decision that I was going to start walking more so I could continue to be active and redirect and try to control all the emotions I was dealing with and learn to adjust to being alone.

This particular day, I ventured out to the Silverthorne Outlets and started on the bike path that was located behind the buildings. I was just walking and taking in the cold fresh air and trying to quiet my mind. I realized the scenery that grabbed my attention I probably had not noticed before or just had not taken the time to see before. I have never been drawn to photography as a hobby but at this moment I just let my camera take over and went on an impulse.

What is interesting is that these photos came up in my OneDrive memories from this date 2-20-2016. I felt a sense of awe all over again as I remember when I lived in Summit County Colorado and the beauty that surrounded me. It also brought a renewed sense of appreciation for where I was at that time physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have come a very long way, baby!

Last week I went to an appointment with my Endocrinologist and hadn’t been to her office in person since last year around this time. Aside from that, my appointments up until this point have been telemedicine which has been more convenient for me since it is located across the other side of town and I do not drive. It was required for me to go in person this time since it was the beginning of the new year. Needless to say, I was a little hesitant to go, but I did not have a choice. As I walked into the office to check in at the front desk, I said hello and the response from the woman who greeted me was “You look beautiful today.” I can only imagine what my expression looked like because I was taken by surprise and I think I turned around to see if she was talking to someone else. She kind of chuckled and I said thank you and told her that she was bringing tears to my eyes.

When my appointment was completed, my Dr asked me to go get blood work in the Lab that was across the hall. As I checked into the Lab, I was taken back right away by the Phlebotomist and as soon as I sat down, she asked me “So do you get dressed up and wear makeup every day?” I was again taken by surprise and my expression probably showed it. She complimented my makeup and I thanked her and answered her question.

I was thinking to myself during the entire time I was there that I needed to come here more often for a self-esteem boost. I was feeling on top of the world after this experience! It was all about the kind words that were spoken to me. It caught me by surprise and left me feeling good about myself. It made me reflect on how easy it is to just say a kind word or two. Even just smiling and greeting someone or saying thank you or any simple gesture because a little goes a long way.

I’ve been wanting to paint more, but didn’t know where to begin or what I wanted to paint. I bought a rock painting kit some time ago but I still haven’t tried it. I found myself outside yesterday and decided to just dive in and saw part of this rock in my backyard. It still has natural colors so I just basically enhanced them a little. I’ve never done this before, so I’m feeling a bit vulnerable because I’m sharing this. Maybe this will be the start of something beautiful.

How to define the past eight months is going to take longer to put into words much less on paper. Maybe eight more months to gather my thoughts. I have a bunch of thoughts, dreams, ideas, frustrations, wonders, etc. If I wrote them down, I would have plenty of stories, a book, a blog, etc.

Where do I start?  Why am I writing this in pencil? I never write in pencil. Maybe I was thinking that if I did not like what I wrote I could erase it? Erase any mistakes to where no one could see any trace?  Only I would know where the mistakes were.  I could erase and start over. Some erasers work better than others. There are always some remnants of what was once there it just depends on the eraser. It also depends on how big of a mistake it is. Some are better than others at covering them up.

What is on my pages? Page in my book consists of a storyline, plot, laughter, friend, enemy, truth, lies, honestly, in your face. All the above and let us not forget blood, sweat, tears, and fears. Can’t forget that it is the meat of it.

In reading one of my old journals, I came across a memory that I hadn’t thought about in over five years. I literally blocked it out of my mind and never looked back. It is interesting reading something as time goes by and it drums up old emotions and you almost relive the moment.

A person that I once held in high regard once asked me if I would help with their campaign for local office in Colorado. I felt obligated so I said yes. Deep down I knew I didn’t want to, and my heart was not in it. Part of his plan consisted of me sharing all the bad work experiences I had with his opponent while he was my supervisor. He was trying to gather as much dirt on his opponent as possible. I walked away from that meeting sick to my stomach because I knew I didn’t want to participate in something like that. After much thought, I ended up texting him and stated that at this time my focus was on my health because I had unexpected surgery a few weeks prior and was still recovering. I was also getting prepared to move out of state in a month and said that I would have to decline on his request to assist him with his campaign. My last sentence was I hope you understand. His reply was I’m sorry I don’t. I sat there reading this text with my jaw on the floor and in shock. Without any hesitation, I blocked his number from my phone.

How often can people who you admire and look up to disappoint you at the same time. After this person was my supervisor for almost ten years, he suddenly became unrecognizable to me. I remember the many conversations that we used to have when he would give me a ride home from work. We would just shoot the breeze, talk about life, and our families, and he would often be my soundboard. I would share my struggles with my health because he could relate because he was going through his own challenges with his wife’s health issues.  He was often my go-to for the voice of reason and advice in a professional capacity. I trusted and respected him both personally and professionally.

An unfortunate event took place and he immediately changed. There was a wall that came up around him. He was no longer the one I could approach, no more open-door policy, it was closed and stone cold. The communication we once had was strained and I no longer felt comfortable speaking to him. After another series of unfortunate events transpired, he still had the nerve to contact me to help him with his campaign. Which is why I felt hesitation to begin with.

I never confronted him about what had transpired between us. I just left it the way it was and just learned to let go of the bad experiences and remember the good part of our relationship. I must believe that those memories were genuine.

I was going through one of my old journal books and found something that I wrote down. I’m not sure if I copied this quote from someone or if I made it up. There wasn’t anything written before or after that indicates what prompted me to write it.

“There is a lesson to learn in everything we endure in life”

On Monday afternoon there was some drama taking place on my street with EMS, Police, and a Police helicopter patrolling the area above. Shortly before this started, mom had just woken up from her nap. As each day progresses, there are times when she will begin to decline physically and become melancholy, agitated, and anxious.  It is during these times that I will try to be creative, redirect her attention, and put on a classic TV show that she enjoys or something spiritual. I decided to do a search on YouTube for a preacher that she has not watched in a long time. I found a video and she was immediately focused on it and it was uplifting her spirits.

So back to the drama taking place outside. The EMS was handling their part, Police officers were staking the neighborhood, and there was a Police helicopter patrolling the area above. Even though I was curious as to what was going on, I was hoping that they would not come to our door because I did not want mom to become alarmed. Luckily, they went to my neighbor’s house, so I ended up reaching out to her to get an idea of what was going on.

During this whole time, which was about an hour or so, mom had no clue what was happening. She was sheltered from the chaos going on around us. Her attention was elsewhere and at that moment, she did not have a care in the world.