Author: dloboss

I had a dream this week and part of it consisted of me speaking with a man who I did not recognize but at one point during the conversation, he looked at me and said I was a tainted heart. All I remember is that I was struck speechless and didn’t know how to respond.

The next thing I remember is that I woke up and I couldn’t get it out of my mind and was bothered by it to be honest. After a while, I found myself on Google and did a search for the meaning of tainted heart. Of course, you can imagine all the results I received, amongst them, results for the song Tainted Love which has never been on my playlist of favorite songs.

In the midst of the search results, I came across a link for a daily devotional titled The Tainted Heart. Of course, it immediately got my attention, and for good reason. It spoke of the prompting that we receive from God when we need to deal with certain areas of our lives that we choose to overlook. As soon as I read it, I could relate to its explanation and began to reflect on the ways my heart is tainted and how to eliminate what has taken root. If there is something that is brought to my attention that I don’t feel like dealing with, I will convince myself that I don’t have time for it and set it aside in hopes that it will fade away in my ignorance.

Burying things always have a way of resurfacing and more times than not, there isn’t a warning. Just a tone of a conversation or text, mood, attitude, or look can set it off and suddenly there’s a spontaneous combustion. A fireworks show is on display and if anyone has the unfortunate luck to be a spectator, they’re left with the anticipation of when the smoke is going to clear. It eventually does clear, and then it is as if nothing happened, but the residual effect remains lingering until it is dealt with.

My hope in reading this devotion is that I’m not only reading the words but applying their principles in order to cure this tainted heart.    

I have held onto this ticket since June 28, 2018, when I moved from Colorado back to Texas. This is only the second one-way ticket that I have ever purchased before. I was excited, anxious, and nervous all at once because I knew it was the right time and I was ready for the big change. I couldn’t bring myself to throw this ticket away because it is more than just a piece of paper. It was a life-changing event.

Throughout the 20 years that I lived in Colorado, I can recall many conversations with friends and family asking me when I was going to move back home. Every time, I would give the same answer which was no, it’s not time yet. After the complications with my brain tumor surgeries, my disease diagnosis, vision loss, and after my 14-year relationship ended, the questions came more often and the answer remained the same, no, it is not time yet. For one thing, I do not take too kindly to people telling me how they think I should be living my life much less telling me what to do. I know they meant well but it was my life to live right or wrong.

I remember in March 2018, I came to Texas to visit mom for her birthday and literally, I heard a voice inside me say it was time to come back home. I didn’t say anything to anyone and just kept it to myself until I knew for sure because I felt it was something that was going to happen within a matter of months. My plans needed to be definite before I could tell anyone. I returned to Colorado and began looking into how this plan was going to work. There were many factors to take into consideration. For one thing, I had my apartment and I needed to explore my options as far as the rental lease was concerned. Secondly, I do not drive so I could not drive a U-Haul nor was I going to ask anyone to drive a U-Haul truck for me. I also could not afford to hire a company to move my belongings so that was not an option either. I remember speaking with my landlord in April and I was telling him my plans and he asked me when I was going to be moving. I clearly remember thinking to myself I have no clue. I found myself saying I will be out of the apartment by July 1st. Where that date came from I am not sure but I said it and there was no turning back.

Everything just started falling into place especially when it came to my apartment. A coworker of mine informed me that she needed to find an apartment for her mother and mine was the perfect fit for her. After working out the specifics with the landlord, it was a seamless transition with my rental lease being terminated and the new tenant moving in on July 1st. I began selling the things that I knew I did not want to take with me like my furniture and other items. As far as the rest of my belongings, I used the UPS Store to ship them to my parent’s house which ended up being the most cost-effective method. I was out of my apartment a few days earlier than expected and stayed with friends up until I left the County on June 28th. It is funny because it was not until after I had moved back to Texas that I realized that I moved from Texas to Colorado in June 1998. I literally came full circle 20 years later when I moved back to Texas in June 2018.

Bless this day you bring upon me and may it be better than the last. Silence my tongue as you give me eyes to see and ears to hear. I pray my soul remains calm and my heart open to your voice while you guide my steps where you lead.

Oh, Monday what a day you have been. My first accomplishment of the day was watering the front yard and plants first thing in the morning before mom woke up. I cannot do that and watch mom at the same time so it could not have worked out better. My second accomplishment was I was able to fit in a leg workout while mom was with her Hospice Home aide. It seemed like shortly after that, mom was not herself and it may have had to do with her not feeling well when she woke up and not having a good start to the morning. As a result, we experienced moments of heightened emotions and frustration but we managed to adapt and regroup the best way we could and thankfully ended up having a good visit and lunch with my brother. It’s difficult during these moments because if I allow them, they will take over my attitude, tear me down, and leave me feeling defeated and like a failure. I do my best to re-direct my thoughts, pray, cry out in private, and breathe again. After lunch I was feeling like I still had some tension to release so I added in a few more leg exercises and literally worked it out of my system. I felt so much better afterward.

In the midst of all of this, I had on my to-do list to contact my pharmacy to look into a couple of issues with two of my prescriptions. It was a task that I was already anticipating to be a painstaking process but much to my surprise it was quite the opposite. The pharmacy technician Monica who assisted me went above and beyond to assist me with my concerns and also caught a mistake that my Physician had made when she submitted the dosage instructions for my oral tablet medication of steroids. In addition to this, she was also handling another issue with my other prescription which is my emergency steroid injection. Monica explained they couldn’t refill it because they didn’t have any supply on hand and she was informed that it was on backorder by the manufacturer until another month or more. After multiple telephone conversations between Monica and me, both of us contacting my Physician for her to correct her error, and Monica locating a supply of the emergency steroid injection, all was finally resolved mid-afternoon. I will receive both prescriptions as soon as tomorrow. I made the decision to call the Pharmacy Customer Service and explained to them what had transpired earlier with Monica and how she is an asset to their company and she deserved recognition for her amazing Customer Service skills.

Late afternoon into the evening has been normal and peaceful as it usually is. Most importantly, I’ve had some time for myself to calm my spirit and gather my thoughts as I write this. I’m constantly reminded to be thankful for each day no matter what is going on. To be thankful for everything which is a very long list but always includes the opportunity to take care of mom, the ability to own up to my mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and admit I was wrong, the motivation to push myself to be stronger physically, mentally, and spiritually, and the drive to continue to learn and grow.

In a previous post from February this year titled “Welcome Back”, I recounted when I returned to work after being on short-term disability for three months after my brain tumor surgery.  It was a difficult transition for me to get back into the workflow of my department. I was blindsided by a coworker who was upset with me for being out for three months and in return created a hostile work environment. I had to make a conscious decision to continue to focus on my job responsibilities and get myself back to 100% and not concern myself with what was going on around me. I left the complicated issue with my coworker to the Supervisors and ultimately it was resolved. The solution consisted of a staff change and this provided an opportunity to reconstruct the department and work duties. This was a must-needed change and from this point on, I felt like the core staff we had in place was one that was the most efficient and productive. We called ourselves TFO Team Front Office. It was a good season with TFO, and we worked great together, and I will never forget that time with them.

We then encountered another major shift in our office but this time it was from the top. There was an election for a new Sheriff and little did we know how things were going to unfold. You could feel the tension and the uncertainty in the air during the election period because the office appeared to be split between the two candidates. After the Sheriff was elected, I felt a sense of uneasiness as he was giving his first speech to the staff. I could not explain it but deep down I thought that maybe this change may not be for the better, but I hoped that I was wrong. As time went on, I realized my gut instincts were correct. It was the first time in my entire employment that I felt my job was in jeopardy. It wasn’t long before I began to see the writing on the wall. It was the sudden change in the tone of any communication with my supervisors, constant questioning of what my job duties were, and having to justify every decision I made that was never questioned before. The confidence and trust that I once had in my supervisors was no longer there. It was both disheartening and disappointing to see this happening before my eyes and there wasn’t anything I could do. This stress only added to additional health issues that I was beginning to experience which were high blood pressure, being placed on oxygen at night, and having to use a cane for mobility due to muscular weakness in my legs. It was a downward spiral that I was on that led to the next unfortunate event.

It was the beginning of January 2017 and I found myself fighting against not only what was unfair treatment at work, but also fighting for my life. I had a serious incident at work where I passed out due to an adrenal crisis brought on by stress, exhaustion, and not taking care of myself properly. The bottom line is that I had been putting work first instead of my health for a long time. My health paid the price for me wanting to continue working as hard as I did to prove to myself and others that I could still do it despite the complications from my disease of Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency. My job was my identity and my life, and I thought without it, I was nothing. It’s sad but that is the truth. That incident ended up saving my life and opened my eyes. It ultimately led me to make a very difficult decision to resign from my employment at the Sheriff’s office. I felt that not only did I need to put myself and my health first, but I needed to leave on my own terms.

After working 11 years at the same place, it was difficult to imagine myself doing anything else. I was honestly at a loss and the question that lingered over me was now what?

I woke up this morning with the word wellness on my brain and the hymn It Is Well With My Soul. There are only a few hymns that are special to me and this is one of them. I felt the need to look up the definition of wellness and the first one to come up was from https://www.pfizer.com/health-wellness/wellness/what-is-wellness “Wellness is the act of practicing healthy habits on a daily basis to attain better physical and mental health outcomes, so that instead of just surviving, you’re thriving.” Funny enough, the though of not only surviving, but thriving was also a thought on my mind as I was writing my blog. I just love it when random thoughts enter into my spirit and breathe life into me when I need it most.

I will proceed with caution as I push myself physically in my workout. I will continue to seek any creative areas that I have yet to tap into. I will not dwell on the mistakes I made yesterday but strive to learn from them and not repeat them. I will attempt to gather and organize my thoughts and seek wisdom and guidance as each day comes.

I Will.

A Glimpse of Me

I wrote this in 2017 and to say I was in a different state of mind is an understatement. I cannot express or put into words what I had been experiencing physically and mentally. No one will ever know the fate that appeared to be prepared for me. At my table was either death or dependency on someone to care for me. I called out to death but he wouldn’t take me.

I have my days when it’s physically tough to get out of bed. Days I don’t feel well. Days that it’s difficult to walk because of muscle weakness in my legs. Days when I wish I could just stop taking my medications. Days I wish I didn’t have to see Doctors for anything. Days I feel bruised and broken from this disease.

Moments when I cry out in pain, anger, frustration, and helplessness. Moments when I doubt myself. Moments when fear consumes me. Moments when I hold myself back. Moments when I worry. Moments when I stress myself out.

This cycle of my life is teaching me about humanity. Who is real and who is not. Through the good times and the bad times, you’ll know who will be there to share in these moments. The ones who want to share in both your joy and pain. I’m sifting out the bad and keeping the good. As much as it pains me, even those I wish would change but I know won’t. No time nor the energy for bullshit. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

In the midst of this cycle, I’m still strong, stubborn, fearless, unstoppable, loving, sexy, joyful, hopeful, thankful, motivated, learning, growing, and never giving up.

I am who I am because of the obstacles, trials, and tribulations that I’ve faced in my life and continue to face. I wouldn’t want it any other way. Those who haven’t faced any challenges, struggles, or difficulties in their lives cannot relate and therefore have no right to judge.

This is my truth and my reality.