Author: dloboss

I bet you didn’t know that this whole time, I’ve been living with Wonder Woman and Spider Man. Yes, I’ve kept it to myself this whole time but now it’s time to share. It’s a good thing my parents don’t have social media much less know how to use it or understand how it works because they would probably freak out if they knew I was sharing this. We all go through stages in our lives where we are faced with certain limitations that never used to be a problem but all of a sudden has become an issue in some way shape or form. I’ve learned this not only through myself but more through my elderly parents. I always hear them say that they have always been able to do this or that with no help. Now it’s become apparent to them and me that they do in fact need help with sometimes the simplest things. In their minds, they can do anything and everything and it’s business as usual but unfortunately, their bodies beg to differ. My job is to be an extension of their arms and legs and to help with anything that I can. If they are outside in the backyard and I’m home, I’m constantly looking to see where they are and what they are doing. First of all, I’m making sure my mom has her walker and that she’s actually using it. She enjoys tending to her plants, watering the yard, feeding the birds, and filling the bird bath. I’ll get the water hose positioned where she can sit on her walker and water what she needs to. My dad, he’s pretty independent and he’s usually doing yard work like trimming, digging up weeds, and blowing leaves. He has trouble at times with his own mobility but doesn’t want to use a cane or walker. I have to keep an eye on him too because at times it’s difficult for him to lift his legs when he’s walking and he has balance issues too. He’s unable to do so much physical yard work or landscaping anymore which thankfully my brother helps with this once a week. More times than not, my dad is straightening and shredding papers in his work shed that we call the “Cuatito”. With my mom, I can often times predict what she’s thinking of doing and I’ll try to beat her to it if I see that it’s going to be too much for her physically to do. If anything, I try to compromise with her and still let her do what she wants but I will be there to help. Again, this is all on the basis that I’m actually home. When I’m not home, well that’s another story because there’s no telling what trouble they can get into!

I’ve mentioned to my parents that the time may come when we will need to look into getting help with those tasks that they can’t do anymore but they aren’t quite ready to entertain that thought yet. I can understand when you feel like you’re losing your independence you feel like you’re losing a bit of yourself. I get that because my situation of not being able to drive can be frustrating. I can’t just pick up and go when I want to. It’s a whole process of scheduling transportation, how much is it going to cost me and I’m dependent on someone else’s time. I don’t like it but it’s my only choice. With my parent’s it’s the same concept in that they too can’t just pick up and go when they want to because my dad can’t drive very far from the house anymore and if it’s raining, he really won’t want to drive even if it’s close to the house. I have to utilize other transportation options for them too. Driving is part of my dad’s independence which is slowly coming to an end. The independence of working on the house and doing little maintenance projects like he was used to doing is no longer an option for him. I know this bothers him and I don’t blame him.

You won’t believe this, but they do have their moments when all of a sudden a change takes place and they take on the personas of Wonder Woman & Spider Man. Yes, I have witnessed this firsthand! One example of this happened recently after I got home from work. I walked in the door and I see my mom sitting down in her recliner I could tell right away something was wrong. She didn’t look like she was feeling well and also had a guilty look on her face so I knew right away something happened. She had fought a battle and came out a little bruised. She had been sitting down at the table in the backyard reading, taking in the beauty of the sunny day, and enjoying the sounds of the birds. Then suddenly, she has the urge to repot one of her plants. She had been planning this mission for a while but wouldn’t share the specifics with me as far as what, when, how, and where. It was on a “need to know” basis. So, here she goes making her way to the fence, and starts digging a hole (don’t think the thought of the position of the walker in relation to her was in the plan). Next thing you know, something is taking over her body and it slowly takes her down to the ground. Well, let me back up and say that she was bent over from the beginning so that didn’t help her cause. So now she’s on the ground and contemplating how she’s going to get up. Dad on the other hand was busy in his cuatito doing his own thing and he’s hard of hearing so he probably wouldn’t have heard her crying out for help. That’s a whole other story for another post! To continue, she’s trying to work up another plan of how to get up from the ground. Thank God the fence was there and somehow she managed to reach up and slowly get up. It took a while, but she did it and it also came with a price. Yes, a price of a cut on the inside of her hand, sore neck and muscles, and plenty of heat patches and Icy Hot. I know you’re wondering….what was the outcome of the task she was in the middle of when this unfortunate mishap occurred? Mission Accomplished! Yes, she is Wonder Woman!

Just when you think the story has ended, there’s more. So, rewind back to when I arrived home from work and I see my mom and she’s detailing her battle from the day. I walk to the backdoor and look outside and ask where dad is. As I mentioned earlier, dad is very independent when it comes to being outside doing his tasks. He’s a very quiet man and keeps to himself. He’s always thinking always planning and he doesn’t share. He keeps it all inside and when he’s ready to share what’s on his mind, watch out! So back to the story, as I’m asking where dad is I’m looking out the window only to see Spider Man in the cuatito with one leg on a table and the other on the ladder holding a big object in his hands. I’m in the middle of WTF and running to the cuatito to witness this firsthand! I run in and again WTF and attempt to take on the burden of this heavy object (big heavy luggage) that is about to overtake him. Actually, this object was about to take us both out but suddenly my own Wonder Woman strength kicks in and saves the day! Spider-Man has been spared as well! Just like my mom, my dad’s day started just as innocently. He was also enjoying his day outside listening to his music on cassette tapes (yes, my dad still has a tape player and cassette tapes), moving things in his shed from one place to another, organizing, sweeping, etc. Then suddenly, something catches his eye and he gets inspired to hang the heaviest object up on the wall while hanging from one leg on the ladder. Oh, Spider-Man what were you thinking!

Living with Wonder Woman and Spider Man can be enlightening, entertaining, challenging, frustrating, mind-boggling, and physically and mentally demanding. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful they still have that fight inside to keep moving (even though it’s a lot slower) despite their physical limitations. I wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s a fine balance between respecting them to let them do what they want to do but not to the point where they can hurt themselves. I take it one day at a time and I’ve learned to be prepared because I never know what journey these two are going to take me on!

We recently had a project done at the house where we had to have the original cast iron pipes replaced underneath the house. I believe this house was built in 1959. My parents have lived in this house this whole time and we all grew up in this house. Thankfully, they have never had to do any major repairs to it over the years so this was the first real major project it’s ever faced. My dad has always handled any minor maintenance issues and painting that needed to be done to the house, but over the last few years, he’s physically been unable to keep up with those things. The health issues of both of both of them took priority. Over the last year of being here, I’ve taken on the responsibility of helping take care of them along with handling any issues with the house.

The plumbing issues that have been around for a few years had just progressively gotten worse to where we were faced with the need to replace the old pipes. The main and most challenging part of this whole process was explaining to mom and dad the who, why, what, where, and how. This was a conversation that not only took place multiple times before the project even started but multiple times during the project up until the very end. This was a very stressful and anxious time for them because it was a project that they had never had to face before. It required a lot of patience to explain the process to them the best way I knew how and to take any questions or concerns to the contractor and his team. It was a continuous conversation that often involved talking them off the ledge and assuring them everything was going to be fine. I was also telling myself this so I could remain strong and in control for their benefit. Luckily, we were able to stay in the house for the beginning of them digging the hole in the backyard and making a tunnel underneath the house where the pipes were. For the part where they were going to be removing and replacing the pipes, we obviously couldn’t be in the house. We were originally told it was going to take a full day to have this done. One of my brother’s came to the rescue and took them to stay with him for a couple of days. This was a much needed mini vacation for them both. Luckily, it only took a few hours and the project was a success. I needed that mini vacation to take a moment to breathe and reflect on what just happened.

It reminded me of how our lives can be turned upside down in an instant. Life can feel like someone dug a hole inside of us and turned our insides out and there is just a pile of crap left. It looks huge and intimidating and you wonder, where did all this crap come from? What am I supposed to do with it? Where am I gonna put it?

Then suddenly you receive a helping hand, guidance, wisdom, and answered prayer and things start coming together. The next thing you know that pile of crap suddenly no longer looks as big as it once did or it’s gone completely as if it was never there to begin with. I took photos of the progression of this project and that’s what came to my mind after seeing the photo taken at the end. It looks like nothing ever happened.

Today, my brother was sharing a memory of the day my sister was born and how my mom dropped him and my other brother off at my grandmother’s house while she was on her way to the hospital. They passed the time playing and building forts and remembers another reason why it was so much fun because my grandmother had made homemade tortillas and a pot of beans. It brought back memories of when I was little and would often build forts with two or more chairs and put a couple of sheets or blankets over them. I would also go underneath the kitchen table if I wanted a bigger fort. I also had my other special hiding place in my closet where there was this little teeny tiny space off to the side where you could crawl onto a shelf behind my clothes. I would visit that space quite often to escape whatever scared me whether real or imaginary. I felt safe and secure in my forts and closet where no one could see me and I was invisible to the world as if for that moment I didn’t exist.

Today, I really needed a fort to escape what was before me. I wanted to run into my closet and hide from reality. It’s challenging when you’re dealing with other people’s emotions, fears, joys, pains, struggles, etc when you have your own to process and deal with. I guess this may be how it feels when you have children. You want to fix everything, make everything right, take away anything that may cause them harm, keep them safe, and have control. When I was little, I could get away with hiding to escape and when I was ready to face life again, I came out. It didn’t take very long because I was claustrophobic. Then all was well with the world until I got scared again then back to the closet. I spent a lot of time alone so that hiding place was my friend. As a child, it was so easy for me to hide and I honestly felt like it solved all my problems no matter how big or small. As an adult, it’s not so easy. I have responsibilities not only to myself but to others and I can’t afford to hide or escape. I’m recognizing that as I’ve gotten older, it’s harder to face certain things that never used to bother me before. It’s a scary feeling when you come to terms with this reality and how your mind can deceive you at times. I think for me now that I’m recognizing this, I can deal with it without any shame because I know that I’m not alone. Sometimes it’s easier said than done, but all things are possible through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.

I was physically, mentally, and emotionally drained from today’s events. No need to share at this time what took place, but despite the information overload, questions, frustrations, doubt, and taking extra steroids to deal with all this, it was still a good day and I’m grateful for how things played out. I even found time to laugh in the midst of this.

I can’t do what I used to do and hide out in my forts or closet anymore (or can I?) to escape reality and close out the world, but I can make me some homemade tortillas and a pot of beans!

Enemy- A person who is actively opposed or hostile to someone or something. A thing that harms or weakens something else.

It’s been 12 years since I was diagnosed with Panhypopituitarism, Hypothyroid, Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency, and Traumatic Optic Nerve Neuropathy. Over the last 6 years I’ve been battling Steroid Myopathy and over the last 2 years, it’s progressed to the point of me needing to use a cane for mobility. I’ve had 8 different Endocrinologist’s in a 11 year span. Now technically I have my 9th one but, that was due to moving to Texas. It was a series of relationships that seemed more one sided to me. They were the experts in my medical conditions and based off of the information in my file, tests, results, etc they would put together their chemistry experiments of different medications and use them on me. They consistently would never take my questions, opinions, concerns, or experience in living with these conditions on a daily basis into account. It was all about them being in control of my treatment. They were too busy playing “god” to realize what they were doing. To be fair, in hindsight I do wish I knew more about my disease at that time to be able to have some ammunition with me when I went to these appointments. I could’ve challenged their theories and facts. But no, I was naive and took what they said as the gospel and continued to play lab rat for them. All the chemistry experiments were always the same just different versions. Bottom line, none of them worked. They were exhausting, they wasted my time, my money, and my energy that I didn’t have to spare. To me, each of these physicians were the enemy and they were winning this battle. I reached so many lows that there wasn’t any more low to go. I was below ground and in denial that I wasn’t depressed. Among the many routine questions asked by my physicians were the following. Do you experience depression? Are you a threat to yourself or someone else? My answer always was no, I’m pissed off! As far as the second question, I was biting my tongue because I was so frustrated and angry that I wanted to say yes, because I wanted to lash out at them and scream! I remember one time I left one of my physician’s office so upset and crying that I went into the women’s bathroom and made sure it was empty first and just started kicking the bathroom stall doors. In reality, I was depressed but just didn’t want to admit it to myself.

One day in 2013, a light bulb came on in my head and I had the thought that there must be other people dealing with this same issue with physicians not treating their medical conditions property. I can’t be the only one! There has to be some sort of support group for people who have my disease. So in comes Facebook to the rescue! The one thing I had determined to stay away from because I thought it was the enemy. Well, it can be both your enemy and friend and a love hate relationship. In this situation, it became my friend because I discovered a whole other world of support groups of people who are battling the same diseases I have. You cannot imagine my amazement when I realized that I wasn’t alone in this! I’m not crazy (well….sometimes) or imagining things (well…sometimes), but not in this case of my health and the physical and mental toll it was taking on me. Some physicians have a way of making you feel like you don’t know what you’re talking about and because you’re not the one with the medical degrees you’re clueless about your own health. I started to feel empowered by what I was learning and being able to share my experiences frustrations, and questions with others and them sharing the same thing with me. I could take what I was learning from the support groups to my physicians and actually have a discussion about it. The tides were beginning to change and I was beginning to realize that I needed to be my own advocate.

The tides took time to change and they are still changing. This process requires determination, patience, education, vulnerability, honesty, and lots of hard work. It’s not for the faint of heart. You can feel like you took a step forward and then literally get knocked back on your ass like you never even moved. Even in the midst of this you see you’ve made some progress and it though it may be small, you can’t and must not give up. I slowly began to see that maybe the physicians weren’t the only enemy. Maybe I was also the enemy. I wasn’t being proactive in my health. I was taking their word for everything. I was allowing others to control how I was feeling and feeling guilty for feeling the way I was. I was depressed and down I couldn’t see how to get up. I was in the dark and couldn’t see until that day when the light came on. The light of support and help.

The relationship with my current Endocrinologist for the past year has been interesting to say the least. I don’t see her as the enemy. I see her as someone who is willing to hear my opinions, frustrations, concerns, and questions. She’s honest and doesn’t mince words which I respect because I’m the same way. She’s opening my eyes to certain aspects of this disease that I honestly hadn’t thought of or knew about. She seems to have a genuine concern for my health which in turn gives me more confidence to try other options in my treatment. No other physician I’ve had ever took the time explore other options. Well, the tides are changing quickly as we speak because I’m taking on an experiment with my steroid medication. I’ve been on steroids for 12 years. Without steroids, I would die so I’m steroid dependent and that’s a fact. Now, while steroids are my lifesaver, they are also my enemy because of the extensive list of side effects. One of the main side effects I experience is the Steroid Myopathy which causes muscle weakness in your limbs. The higher the dosage, the worse the effects. Hence, me using the cane for mobility. My arms also experience weakness to where at times it’s difficult to lift my arms above my head or hold objects in my hands for too long. My Endocrinologist is adamant that I lower my daily steroid dosage to a level I’ve never been at before much less entertained. I’ve survived at a certain dosage level for years and never imagined being on anything less because I didn’t think I could function. She stated that if I don’t try this, my steroid myopathy will only get worse along with my mobility and I could end up bedridden. Well, that’s not an option.

Knowing what I know now, I no longer go with the preconceived notion that any physician I see is the enemy. I have more of an open mind to give them the opportunity to share with me their professional opinion, diagnosis and treatment options before judging them. I can no longer allow myself to be my own worst enemy because that will hinder any progress in my life both professionally, physically and mentally. I’ve found that by taking the time to research, ask questions, look for answers, seeking out resources, and most importantly, asking for help, will make my life a little easier to manage. We need to be friends not enemies.

My mom’s go to knife is a big butcher knife. I call it a machete because it’s the biggest knife we have. It’s not a part of a set but stands alone. This machete will be used for anything from cutting tomatoes, vegetables, potatoes, buttering bread, stirring things in a pot and pan, and even slicing cake. It’s a “jack of a trades” kind of knife in our house. What’s amazing is that it’s always sharp. I always joke with her and tell her to put the machete down and grab another knife please! Seeing her use that one makes me nervous because she can be a little shaky at times. I’ve now even found myself using it too because the other knives we have are literally not the sharpest ones on the block. A memory of my grandmother De Los Santos came to mind recently. I remember her always being in the kitchen cooking for anyone who came by the house and she also would always have a big butcher knife in her hand for everything. She would be telling stories and laughing in the kitchen while waving the knife around in her hand. We would be ducking our heads to make sure we didn’t get caught in the crossfire! I’ve asked mom why do you use this knife? What’s your beef with the other knives? She just says she likes this one and is comfortable using it.

She feels comfortable using the biggest knife for the smallest task. In life, we go through struggles, disappointments, doubts, or whatever trial we face and we feel like we need to pick up our own machete and attack. I’m looking at one of the mountains in front of me and I’m starting my plan of attack. It’s looking pretty massive and intimidating. I can honestly say, I’ve never faced this mountain before. If anything, I’ve been avoiding it for years. Something tells me it’s time to face it. I’m starting to reach out to my Adrenal Insufficiency support groups and looking to those who have faced this mountain or are currently facing it now and wanting to know how they handled it. I’m wanting to know what worked or didn’t work for them. Give me insight people! Tell me the the juicy details! Throw me a bone! Well, as I hear more of their experiences, it provides both positive and negative feedback. I hear the advice of make sure you do this, make sure you don’t do that, don’t forget to do this, and you’re gonna face this obstacle, you’re gonna be denied the first time, second time, third time, it’s gonna take years to get accepted, blah, blah, blah. After hearing all this, I find myself looking at my own machete and thinking…I need a bigger one! Go big or go home!

So back to the drawing board and Amazon looking for a bigger machete. The biggest badass machete I can find (that’s Amazon Prime 2 day free shipping) because I need it fast! I wonder if comes in a set? So much energy goes into the planning of attack that by the time you go to battle, you’re gonna be wiped out and not going to have the strength to continue. Then no matter how big your machete is, you’re not gonna be able to fight. Sometimes clarity can come in when we’re at our most vulnerable. If you’re listening, there’s a voice that will speak to you. Everyone has a voice that speaks to them. That voice of reason or your conscience. The voice that speaks to me is God. He’s telling me to stop planning my attack. He’s telling me to give up and let go. Stop listening to the outside noise of other’s opinions and advice. I need to trust Him. Put the machete down.

My mind can go a thousand miles a minute on a daily basis and I’m constantly trying to sort out my job situation, ideas, thoughts, worries, stresses, etc and at the same time being present with mom and dad. It’s important to me that I’m not just “here” with them but Present with them. I’m learning more and more about them each day and it’s helping me put pieces of my life puzzle together. I’m here to help take care of their basic daily needs, house maintenance, conversations with their physicians, staying on top of their prescriptions, trying to be their extended arms and legs when they need it. I find peace in helping to look after mom’s plants and feeding the birds and filling their birdbath in the backyard. It’s a blessing when you find a purpose and know where you are and what you are called to do.

I’ve never been one to post reviews on products, services, or companies before until only recently.  I’ve only had to do maybe one or two that were not good but for the most part, I try to post reviews that are good and where I receive the above and beyond customer service.  I try to always make a point to say “thank you” to the drivers of the VIA transportation service that drive me around, to the VIA staff members who help schedule my rides, Uber & Lyft drivers, to the people who assist me anywhere from the grocery store to the physician’s offices etc. It feels good to say thank you and I would like to think it feels good to receive a thank you.  
After my separation from my ex, I came to a point where I remember writing in my journal “thank you” because he left me and looking back it was one of the best decisions for both of us. We had a 14 year relationship filled with love, hate, respect, laughter, disappointment, blood, sweat, and tears. He was in my life for a reason. I truly loved him and despite how things turned out in the end, I’m thankful for that opportunity of having him in my life. 
One of my previous supervisors used to periodically say thank you to all his employees. He would go around to each one personally and say thank you and always asked how we were and if there was anything we needed, he was there. That thank you I often received stayed with me.  It stayed with me because it showed me that he appreciated me and valued me as an employee.  Once that supervisor left, those two words of thank you also left.  For me, it was replaced with who are you and remind me again of what do you do here, constantly being reminded when mistakes are made and not offering advice on how to correct the mistake, suddenly your integrity and loyalty are being questioned, and your job being made more difficult each day due to unnecessary stress and pressure. Wow, how do you deal with going from thank you to this?  At the time, I was wondering to myself if I was in the twilight zone. Is this really happening?  Is this just me?  Yes, it was really happening and no, it wasn’t just me.  You start replaying previous conversations in your mind and you start to ask if any of that was real.  Was the praise I once received from this individual from the heart?  All those times we would laugh, carry on, and have fun at work was that real? I confided in this individual and vented to them about my frustrations from certain aspects of the job and what I felt was wrong with the system.  I appreciated how I could be honest with them. They would correct me when I was wrong and if I was in the right, they would agree and encourage me.  They always had my back no matter what and I respected them for this.  Then literally from one day to the next, everything changed.   I remember the specific day when a speech was made and I could tell immediately by the tone that something was definitely different and things were changing and not for the better. It appears that when certain individuals get more power, it goes to their head.  It suddenly changes them and their personalities and how they treat people.  I was shocked, hurt, angry, and disappointed that this person whom I respected and looked up to was no longer the person I knew.  They were unrecognizable to me.  
After this chapter in my life ended, I wrote in my journal “thank you”.  I had to let go of the bitterness and hurt I was feeling and I had to forgive them in my heart. I was thankful that this situation happened because it lead me to the realization that the job was no longer worth my health.  For years, I had been placing the job first and my health and quality of life second.  My health issues were becoming more serious and I could no longer afford to do this.  This period of my life was challenging, rewarding, difficult, a learning experience, and filled with blood, sweat, tears, and yelling at times, but I loved my time there with all my heart.  I made the decision to walk away and it was on my own terms and not anyone else’s terms. I’m proud of that. 
So the journey continues to be thankful each day for the good and the bad.  
Thank you.  

I’ve never shared this before other than attempting to explain in words of what my vision is like. This is my recent visual field exam results in color. The top is my right eye and the bottom one is my left eye. The yellow portion of each is where my vision is which lies along the bring of my nose. I have to remind myself that the “world” I see is much bigger than what my vision reveals. When I walk I have to look side to side up and down so I’m not missing anything. It’s easy to walk through life in this way with any type of vision. What you don’t see doesn’t exist. Who you don’t see don’t exist. It’s a lonely way to live but it’s easy to fall into. Over the past year, I’m learning and still learning that it’s not only about me anymore. In this journey, it’s much bigger than me. Open up your eyes, you’ll be amazed at what you see!

I’ve never shared this before other than attempting to explain in words of what my vision is like. This is my recent visual field exam results in color. The top is my right eye and the bottom one is my left eye. The yellow portion of each is where my vision is which lies along the bring of my nose. I have to remind myself that the “world” I see is much bigger than what my vision reveals. When I walk I have to look side to side up and down so I’m not missing anything. It’s easy to walk through life in this way with any type of vision. What you don’t see doesn’t exist. Who you don’t see don’t exist. It’s a lonely way to live but it’s easy to fall into. Over the past year, I’m learning and still learning that it’s not only about me anymore. In this journey, it’s much bigger than me. Open up your eyes, you’ll be amazed at what you see!

I’ve never been one to post reviews on products, services, or companies before until only recently.  I’ve only had to do maybe one or two that were not good but for the most part, I try to post reviews that are good and where I receive the above and beyond customer service.  I try to always make a point to say “thank you” to the drivers of the VIA transportation service that drive me around, to the VIA staff members who help schedule my rides, Uber & Lyft drivers, to the people who assist me anywhere from the grocery store to the physician’s offices etc. It feels good to say thank you and I would like to think it feels good to receive a thank you.  
After my separation from my ex, I came to a point where I remember writing in my journal “thank you” because he left me and looking back it was one of the best decisions for both of us. We had a 14 year relationship filled with love, hate, respect, laughter, disappointment, blood, sweat, and tears. He was in my life for a reason. I truly loved him and despite how things turned out in the end, I’m thankful for that opportunity of having him in my life. 
One of my previous supervisors used to periodically say thank you to all his employees. He would go around to each one personally and say thank you and always asked how we were and if there was anything we needed, he was there. That thank you I often received stayed with me.  It stayed with me because it showed me that he appreciated me and valued me as an employee.  Once that supervisor left, those two words of thank you also left.  For me, it was replaced with who are you and remind me again of what do you do here, constantly being reminded when mistakes are made and not offering advice on how to correct the mistake, suddenly your integrity and loyalty are being questioned, and your job being made more difficult each day due to unnecessary stress and pressure. Wow, how do you deal with going from thank you to this?  At the time, I was wondering to myself if I was in the twilight zone. Is this really happening?  Is this just me?  Yes, it was really happening and no, it wasn’t just me.  You start replaying previous conversations in your mind and you start to ask if any of that was real.  Was the praise I once received from this individual from the heart?  All those times we would laugh, carry on, and have fun at work was that real? I confided in this individual and vented to them about my frustrations from certain aspects of the job and what I felt was wrong with the system.  I appreciated how I could be honest with them. They would correct me when I was wrong and if I was in the right, they would agree and encourage me.  They always had my back no matter what and I respected them for this.  Then literally from one day to the next, everything changed.   I remember the specific day when a speech was made and I could tell immediately by the tone that something was definitely different and things were changing and not for the better. It appears that when certain individuals get more power, it goes to their head.  It suddenly changes them and their personalities and how they treat people.  I was shocked, hurt, angry, and disappointed that this person whom I respected and looked up to was no longer the person I knew.  They were unrecognizable to me.  
After this chapter in my life ended, I wrote in my journal “thank you”.  I had to let go of the bitterness and hurt I was feeling and I had to forgive them in my heart. I was thankful that this situation happened because it lead me to the realization that the job was no longer worth my health.  For years, I had been placing the job first and my health and quality of life second.  My health issues were becoming more serious and I could no longer afford to do this.  This period of my life was challenging, rewarding, difficult, a learning experience, and filled with blood, sweat, tears, and yelling at times, but I loved my time there with all my heart.  I made the decision to walk away and it was on my own terms and not anyone else’s terms. I’m proud of that. 
So the journey continues to be thankful each day for the good and the bad.  
Thank you.