Author: dloboss

My previous post, “Too Many Tabs Open,” was my inspiration for this one. I had posted that in June 2024, and it’s funny because I was searching for an image to use for this post, and I saw the one about the brain having too many tabs, and then realized I had already used it. Then I found this one and felt it was a perfect segue to what I wanted to share in this one.

I have always been good at multitasking and proud of this skill because it came in handy with the positions that I have held throughout my work experience. It placed me in positions where I stood out and was often the go-to person when someone was needed to put out any fires. I loved it because it made me feel needed and like I was important, because inside I didn’t always feel that way. Fast forward to now, I can still multitask with the best of them, but I need to write everything down in a separate to-do list journal, post-it notes, and put reminders on my phone to keep track of what things I’m trying to multitask so I don’t forget!

I think this photo says it all for me lately. There are too many tabs open in my mind, and at times I feel scatterbrained. I hate that feeling. There is no one to blame aside from myself because I overthink things. Instead of releasing it and giving it to God, I will hold onto it and let it steep just a little more. Well, other thoughts enter, and you can guess what happens; they just keep piling up. In my previous post, I mentioned the surgery I had, and it was hernia repair surgery, five to be exact. Still after 18 months, I’m feeling the side effects of the surgery with the numbness, tenderness, and shooting pains in the whole incision area. So, of course, my mind thinks the hernias are moving or they are back, or something’s off, etc. I had a follow-up with the surgeon, and he assured me that it’s normal and the nerves are reawakening, and it can take this long, if not longer, depending on how extensive the surgery was. Within the last couple of months, I have begun to feel better, and the “awakening” pains have been a little more spread out, and I am starting to feel like myself again. So now I can kick that thought out of my brain.

Next, another medical issue had made itself present was evidence of high liver enzymes that were reflected in my recent blood work. My Primary Doctor did not seem overly concerned, and I wasn’t too concerned either because I have had slightly elevated levels before, and for whatever reason, they went back down to normal again. The doctor wanted to cover all the bases and ordered another round of blood work to check for various things associated with the liver, in addition to some other tests. Again, I began thinking about it and wondering what if there is something, and thinking about all the reasons why this is not a good time because I am starting to venture out in another aspect of my current job, and on and on. I finally received the results, and everything came out negative, and the liver enzymes went back down to normal. All the additional tests were normal, too. Here’s to another thought to kick out.

So, what’s left in the space is a separate area designated for work-related tasks to complete and brainstorming of ideas for marketing, also learning how to incorporate these ideas into my personal ventures, and how I can improve myself in every aspect of my life, physically, mentally, and spiritually. At the forefront of my mind is a bookmark for keeping track of my daily management of my adrenal insufficiency disease, so I don’t have any issues or emergencies that could arise. The spiritual portion of the space is constantly going through growing pains, evolving and changing, like the title of the old soap opera from back in the day, As The World Turns. I need God to navigate through all the twists and turns of my life and this world.

There are still some miscellaneous thoughts lingering in the background, but those are working themselves out on their own, much to my surprise, and I’m excited about that. I have been working on decluttering my home and discarding and donating items that I no longer use and that are just taking up space. I am working on applying the same idea of decluttering to my mind and life. It can be overwhelming, humbling, and emotionally draining, but I need to trust the process. I continue to close one tab at a time.

So, have you ever had a minute, second, day, week, or year where you are? WTH?! I feel like I have been on a rollercoaster for the past 6 years, much less over the last couple of months, after having major surgery and this slow-moving recovery process, and let me tell you, I cannot do rollercoasters! This rollercoaster has been like you imagine the ride, slowly creeping and enjoying the scenic view. Then you notice the tracks disappear, then suddenly you hit the bottom along with your heart in your stomach, and crap is flying so fast you have no idea what you are looking at and what just happened.

Now is the time for me to try and process what I can (or want to) in my brain because the best way to describe it is that my brain currently has too many tabs open. I strive to quiet my mind daily the best way I know how, whether it is writing, reading, studying my Bible, praying, painting, or drawing. One of my dear cousins once told me to record my feelings on a digital voice recorder. I tried it once and plan on trying that again.

I am currently working on my physical health after this difficult surgery I had, so I can be prepared for what lies ahead for me. This is the moment when I accept once again that I am not Wonder Woman, and I humble myself and cry out to God, I need help with this! I may be weak, but He is strong for both of us.

I love plants, but not too often do I find success with outdoor plants. The indoor ones, if they are low maintenance, I can handle those, and they seem to thrive as long as I water them weekly and keep them close to the windows for natural light. I have had some seeds gifted to me and also starter plants, but for whatever reason, they don’t last. There is obviously something that I’m missing. I hear people tell their success stories with the same plants, and they are blooming and blooming, and they can’t control them. The plants I have attempted to plant are obviously not aware of the quote above. My remedy, I have decided, is to buy fake plants and trees for my backyard. That solves that problem!

This morning, I looked at this picture and read the quote, and I immediately had a different spin on it. It brought me to reflect on my current situation. I resigned from my previous employment of two and a half years three months ago to pursue another employment opportunity. Much to my dismay, the new job did not work out, and unfortunately, the full job responsibilities were not disclosed at the time of hiring. I discovered I was not the right fit for this position and made the decision to resign after a week. I felt guilty for having to quit in such a short amount of time, and to some degree, I felt like a failure. At the same time, I knew it was the right decision for me, but panic set in because I was faced with a now what thought.

I’m thankful that I was still working for my other job, which is work from home, and I have had this job for almost three years now. It’s work from home and flexible, so it’s really perfect for me. The problem for me is that it is less than your average part-time hours. I could feel my anxiety creeping in, and I didn’t hesitate to make contact with the local staffing agencies that I have remained in communication with periodically, and applied for jobs on multiple job sites. I even reached out to specific companies that I was interested in and introduced myself with a cover letter and resume. I was doing everything in my power to put myself out there. I received a couple of thank yous, but no thank yous, and encountered more of no responses whatsoever.

In the midst of this, I was reminded that God is in control and I needed to cast my cares into His hands and trust Him. That is difficult for me because I need to have things figured out in advance so I can plan every aspect of what is needed in order to tackle each situation in front of me. I have many pieces and parts to my life, so knowledge is power. I will confess that I don’t like surprises. I honestly don’t appreciate when people who are used to planning things on the spur of the moment expect you to be on board too. I need to know things in advance, if at all possible. I realize life happens, and things can occur that are out of our control. If I can have a hand in controlling certain things in my life, I will. Well, this situation was obviously out of my control, and the sooner I accepted this, the better off I would be.

A couple of weeks after I had quit the short-lived job, I was contacted by my boss from my work-from-home job, and she asked me if I would be available to go out on job sites and work with her and the team. I immediately say yes and explain that it just so happens my schedule is wide open! So for now, I continue to work from home and also go out to job sites when needed. I’m taking this opportunity to learn new skills, and it’s actually helping me with my job responsibilities when I work from home because I’m experiencing two different aspects of this job, and it’s providing a new perspective and insight. At this moment in my life, I have been planted in this opportunity, and I want to continue to bloom and reach levels beyond my imagination.

I made a point this morning to open my book Prayers & Promises for Women. I hadn’t been diligent enough to read it, but I thought no better time than the present. I’ve been struggling with accepting a specific situation lately that is beyond my control. I am watching circumstances unfold that could lead to a train wreck, but I am in no position to interfere or try to help. I know in reality, if I were to get involved, it would probably backfire on me in more ways than one. I have found myself making up scenarios in my mind of what may or may not happen, and that is dangerous. I have my reservations about one of the parties involved, and I question their motives. I honestly do not really know this person, but in the short time that I have, I do not trust them. I have been questioning and scrutinizing their decisions in my head, but I have never confronted them. It has been consuming me, and that is not good for me either.

Upon reading this passage, I felt convicted that instead of judging this person and holding onto my frustration with them, I need to lift them up to God in prayer because it is not my weight to carry. Instead, I will release this situation and the people involved to God. He has control over this, and in the end, I know everything will work out according to His will.

Amazingly, I have another story to share about a Lyft driver. Let me begin by stating that I often encounter Lyft/Uber drivers who, for some odd reason, decide that the pickup spot from my residence is diagonally across the street from my house, and it varies from either the left or right side. A couple of times, I have seen them park at the nearest corner to my house, two houses down on the opposite side of the street. I cannot put into words how annoying this is to me. My house number is clearly posted on both sides of my mailbox. I even have a premise note each time I order a ride that states to park in front of my mailbox, and I also have my address listed there again. It is not like it is far to walk, but it is the principle of the thing. Also, I am visually impaired, and when my Lyft/Uber ride is arriving early in the morning, when it is still dark out, or at night, it is hard for me to see. So now that you have the backstory, I will begin.

On Monday morning, I needed to go have blood work completed first thing, and my plan was to be at the lab right when they opened at 7am. I ordered my Lyft, and he arrived right on time, but he parked diagonally across the street, almost to the corner. I was immediately getting annoyed, like it’s way too early for this. I had my phone light on and was flashing it toward him, hoping he would see it, when suddenly this older gentleman got out of his vehicle and crossed the street, heading up my driveway. He says hello and my name, and gently grabs my arm and leads me across to his car. I was in shock at this point because I realized he actually read my note about being visually impaired. He opened the door for me and helped me into the car.

When we arrived at my destination, I made a comment that it was nice and well-lit, where he could drop me off. I said thank you to him, and before I could exit the vehicle, he stated wait, I will help you. I opened the door, and he again helped me out and made sure I got into the building.

I was so touched that, despite his parking across the street from my house, he got a pass for being a gentleman.

I had an interesting Lyft ride this morning to my dentist appointment. Immediately, after entering the vehicle, the driver mentions that he just dropped off his daughter at school and then asks me what I do for a living. I tell him, and then he explains that he was a doctor in India, but is unable to practice until he completes the requirements here in the United States, along with the education and residency. We continued with small talk, and then the conversation got a little more in-depth as he mentioned his wife, and then he said that he was cheating on her. I am thinking to myself, why is he telling me this?

So I just listened to him explain the backstory on why he is cheating, and I guess his justification. I needed to get to my destination, so I am withholding my opinions on the subject. He would often look up in the rearview mirror at me as if he was waiting for a response, and I would nod my head and just ask him a follow-up question. My hope was to just keep him talking until we got to my destination. He was explaining how his wife is a good person and he would not leave her because he loves her, and they have their daughter, and he did not want to break up their family. He stated that his wife has been withdrawn and has almost given up on herself and being intimate with him. I then found myself asking him if he thought that maybe his wife knew about his affair. He immediately said no. Without any hesitation, I said she knows.

We were getting pretty close to my dentist’s office, so I began saying that she probably has her suspicions, which could be the reason why she is being withdrawn and not feeling satisfied with her life and their marriage. I told him that he is not communicating his feelings with her, and is also being withdrawn from her. So what does he expect? Until they both sit down and have some real, honest communication, this problem is not going to get resolved, and it will only get worse. That is not fair to either of them or their daughter.

The last thing I said as we pulled up to my drop-off point was asking him how his beliefs as a Sikh fall in line with how he is living his life and the choices he is making. I said for me, as a born-again Christian, my goal is to live according to God’s word. The Bible is my guide on how to live my life. I asked him if it was safe to say that his Sikh religion and beliefs should dictate how he lives his life and the choices he makes. The last thing I stated was that I was not familiar with his religion’s beliefs, but that he must ask himself if how he is living this double life and cheating on his wife is right in his religion’s eyes.

He looked at me and said no, it does not match up. He then said thank you for the counseling session. As I was exiting the vehicle, I asked him again how to pronounce his name, and he said just call me Harry Potter. I said God bless you, Harry Potter.

In the aftermath of my parents’ passing over the last 3 years, I have been gradually coming across different writings of my mom that she would write on random pieces of paper, spiral notebooks, and papers in her Bible she used as bookmarks. Some writings contain scriptures, her prayers, notes from Church sermons, and from preachers she would watch on TV.

My dad did the same thing, but he kept very organized composition books that also contained notes from Church sermons, preachers he followed on TV, Bible studies that interested him, a composition book that was devoted to prayers, and also Bible scriptures associated with any life topic you could think of. My parents did not complete their education, but they got their GEDs later in life. I was proud of them because they did not let that stop them. Dad was so organized and detailed when it came to his writings and his studies, mom would always say he could have been a professor.

It was recently, within the last couple of weeks, that I felt prompted to share some of these writings. I am currently working on how I am going to incorporate them into my blog. The journey these past three years has been and continues to be therapeutic for me. I am excited to share these precious writings. I look forward to continuing to bring honor to my parents.

This was dad’s place to sit and rest after working in the yard or in his storage shed, we called the cuartito. Mom would sit there too with him, and they would eat something sweet and drink their coffee. They would sometimes just sit and look out, not even talking. I often wondered what they were looking at. It wasn’t the most spectacular view, just of the neighbor’s rooftop, trees, birds, and the sky. The chairs had been empty, so I figured I should sit there too, in hopes of catching a glimpse of what they were fascinated with. Maybe it was the calmness and the beauty of nature. They loved birds, so I’m sure they were entertained by their singing and the communication they had amongst themselves.

Dad would often sit by himself and stare out into the yard, almost like he was studying the layout and planning his next big project. His mission often involved him moving his rocks or bricks from one part of the yard to another, spending time in his storage shed moving things from one spot to another, or doing yard work. Then, before heading inside, he would go back to his chair and look out.  Almost like he was checking out his finished project or planning his next.

Maybe I will sit in the chair and admire the calmness and beauty of nature. I can contemplate my life choices, find answers to my pending questions, and decide what projects I want to create and be a part of. Just like dad, studying the layout to see what my next move is.

Awareness saves life.

This information was shared by an Adrenal Insufficiency Facebook support group that I am a member of. I wanted to share this because I have Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency. I do not think I can put an amount on how many instances I have experienced an adrenal crisis. I truly believe I have lost count, but maybe between fifteen and twenty over the last eighteen years. I was diagnosed with Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency in December 2007, and managing this disease has been one of the toughest battles I have ever fought and will continue to fight because this is for life.

In some instances, I can feel my cortisol levels going low, which will lead to an adrenal crisis, and I can take the appropriate action of taking an extra dosage of my steroid medication, or in some more serious use cases, I need to use my emergency kit with a vial of steroids to inject myself or have someone else inject me. If it is too late (which has happened to me more times than not), then it is up to Emergency Personnel to inject me and transport me to the hospital. I cannot explain how I feel when I feel these come on. It is almost like I can feel the life draining out of me, almost like in slow motion. I do not feel scared; it is almost like I am paralyzed, and my body just fades into the moment. I get so weak that all my body wants to do is go to sleep. The important key is once I am unconscious, is have my emergency steroid injected immediately because at this point, time is of the essence. Withholding a steroid injection during a crisis may result in organ damage, may cause seizures, or a coma. If left untreated, an adrenal crisis will result in death.

I share this not for pity or for you to feel sorry for me. I share this because without my faith in my Lord Jesus Christ, I would not be alive today. I am not going to sit here and say that I have not questioned God and screamed, yelled, and cursed at Him, asking him why, and among other things, what the hell now. I have turned my back on Him numerous times, but He has yet to fail me despite my many faults and imperfections, and the times of me throwing my hands up and walking away.

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NKJV) “Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”

The following post is from April 2016. One of the first blogs that I had done.

It was 9 years ago when I was diagnosed with a Craniopharyngioma, which is a type of brain tumor derived from the pituitary gland. Craniopharyngiomas occur in the sellar region (the part that holds the pituitary gland) of the brain, near the pituitary gland. They often involve the third ventricle of the brain, optic nerve, and pituitary gland. At the time, I was healthy and worked out at the local gym regularly. I had been at my current job at the Sheriff’s Office for a year and had just purchased a brand new 2007 Toyota truck. Life was good. Then all of a sudden, from one day to the next, I started feeling ill and was experiencing low energy, horrible migraine headaches (that I had never had before), weakness, etc. I went to my Primary Physician, and he ran some tests and didn’t find anything. He then referred me to a Neurologist, and after a series of tests, they discovered that I had a brain tumor. I remember feeling like I was in a dream as the Neurologist was telling me this and showing me the tumor on his computer screen. I didn’t quite comprehend the severity of the situation. To hear the Neurologist explain it, it was routine surgery, and it was going to be short and sweet. The recovery process would be quick since I was young, and I would be back to work in no time. I met with the Neurosurgeon and he explained the procedure more in depth that they were going to make an incision at the top of my gum line and go through my nasal cavity with a probe to basically drain and suck out the tumor like a vacuum. A month later, the time comes for the surgery, and the severity of the situation is kicking in. I’m obviously scared shitless, but I need to get this over with so I can move on with my life. I was expected to be in the hospital for maybe 4 to 5 days.

I remember waking up from my surgery, and there was a bunch of gauze underneath my nose and a bunch of liquid coming out. I felt as if I had a runny nose that just won’t stop. Come to find out, I had a spinal fluid leak in the middle of surgery, so they had to halt the surgery and deal with that issue. So now, I’m leaking from my spine, and the freaking tumor is still inside my brain! Mark had to call my family in Texas to give them the update and let them know that the surgery did not go quite as planned. My parents ended up flying out to Colorado (this was their first time flying ever, and they were in their 70s) to be with Mark and I. Mark told me after the fact that he had a conversation with my parents in the hospital cafeteria. My dad asked Mark if I had a living will or if he knew what my wishes were if anything should happen to me. In the years I’ve known Mark, he’s never been one to show emotion and cry. Except for this time, while he was telling me about this.  He said that he told my dad that we did not need to think about that because I was going to be fine.  He said he just walked away from my dad because he could not face him.

The Surgeon’s next plan of action was to insert a lumbar drain at the bottom of my spine to re-route the leak in the meantime, so they could determine what they were doing to do next. I had to sit and sleep upright so the liquid could drain out properly into an IV bag. They left that in over the weekend to see if that would help. Well, of course it didn’t. The Surgeon then explains that he has no choice but to make an incision from ear to ear along my hairline and cut part of my skull out so he can go in and not only fix the spinal fluid leak but also remove the tumor. Lucky me, it’s time for surgery #2!

I remember the morning of my second surgery like it was yesterday. That is one memory that has never left me to this day. The hospital had a transport team of nurses that would take you to wherever you needed to go throughout the hospital. They would either take you in a wheelchair or transport you in your bed. This particular morning, the transport team was too busy to come get me, so between my nurse and me, we were the transport team. I’m connected to all kinds of machines and a little monitor that looked like an old, small TV. I’m thinking to myself, how are we going to do this? I’m holding the monitor on my lap, and pushing my own IVs and she is pushing the other machines I’m connected to, and me in the wheelchair. I had to get an MRI first so the surgeon could map out a route to the leak and tumor. I remember getting off the elevator, and the MRI room had an orange tint to it, like it had orange colored light bulbs. One of my favorite nurses walked up, and he saw that I was crying and nervous, so he attempted to console me. Then I saw a nurse coming towards me with clippers in her hand because they were going to have to shave part of my head. I remember freaking out and immediately yelling profanities. Next thing you know, they are putting something in my IV, and I’m out. Good thing because I’m sure I was about to put up a fight with the nurse coming at me with the clippers.

Good news. The spinal fluid leak was fixed, and the tumor was removed successfully! Bad news. I do not remember too much after this surgery, but I do remember not being able to see clearly. The light bothered my eyes, and my vision was filled with shadows and blurry. The Surgeon explained to me that the tumor was further down than they expected, and he had to move my optic nerves out of the way to get to the tumor. He stated that he was surprised that I wasn’t completely blind because that is what he was expecting. I lost my peripheral vision in both eyes, half of my central vision. My field of vision is along the bridge of my nose.  Let’s just say walking around can be challenging. I get in such a hurry (since I’m a slave to the bus schedule) that I honestly forget that I am not seeing everything and everyone in my path. In my world, I’m seeing only what is in front of me. There’s a whole big world out there that I am not seeing, and unfortunately, it always feels like it is constantly sneaking up on me.

So much for being in the hospital for only four to five days. I was in the hospital for nearly a month, and spent Christmas in the hospital. I remember on several occasions when I was alone in my room in the ICU, a dark figure or shadow would appear in the chair nearby my bed. I really cannot explain it, but it was a dark shadow in a long trench coat with the collar up and a Fedora hat. It reminded me of the original movie, The Invisible Man. It just sat there like it was waiting for something to happen. To me, it was Death waiting to take me with him. I don’t remember being scared. I do remember looking at him and telling him to leave me alone because I was not going anywhere. I knew I was going to be okay, and I was going to be walking out of that hospital.

Before I left the hospital, I remember meeting with another Physician who explained he was going to be my Endocrinologist. I was like who, and what is that? An Endocrinologist is a physician who specializes in the Endocrine system. When they removed the tumor, not only were my optic nerves damaged, but also my Pituitary Gland. As a result, I was diagnosed with Panhypopituitarism, Hypothyroidism, and Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency. Call me naive, but I thought once they removed the tumor, I was going to be back to my normal self. So now, not only am I partially blind, but I will be dependent on steroids to keep me alive and other medications for the rest of my life. I cannot even begin to process this or understand what the hell is going on. My only choice was to suck it up and strap in my seat belt because I was about to get on the ride of my life.