Author: dloboss

You Talking to Me?

I tend to write things on random pieces of paper from junk mail, the back of printouts, bills, or envelopes that come in the mail. I have plenty of writing pads and journal books, but no, just give me half of a sheet of paper or whatever is handy. I also will cut out things from magazines that catch my eye, and I will say I am going to put it on a vision board, and end up just filing it away in a folder.

Just now, I walked into my home office, and it felt like I was on a mission, not really knowing what the mission was other than being drawn to an accordion file folder I had sitting on top of my craft desk. I looked inside and pulled out a couple of articles and just a single page with an affirmation and scripture that I had cut out of a magazine. I was reading the titles of each, which are the following:

1. How To Think When-How Your Thoughts Connect To Your Health, Attitude, and Every Single Area Of Your Life.
2. UnClutter Your Life! 8 Practical Tips to Help You Enjoy A More Peaceful, Simple Life.
3. God has BIG things in store for your life! Psalm 65:11 and it has 2025 all along the border of this.

As I read over each of these, I just felt like Hey God, you talking to me? I always joke that for God to get my attention, it would help if it were spelled out to me in a sign with neon lights or if He provided me with a play-by-play manual of what I need to do and how to do it. More times than not, I am talking too much and not being still long enough to listen so I can hear His voice. Many times, I find that He speaks to me through people and random conversations, or when I am reading and studying my Sunday School lessons. It is often the little things that I see and encounter daily.

It is incidents like this that bring me comfort and assurance that, despite all my daily failures, faults, and mistakes, I am not alone. He is telling me yes; I am talking to you. He is saying I love you.

If you are interested in these articles, they are from the July/August/September 2024 edition of Joyce Meyer’s Enjoying Everyday Life magazine. The website is joycemeyer.org.

Am I Talking Loudly?

My dad never used his hearing aids, and my mom only used one of her hearing aids, so I was always having to talk loudly so they could hear me over the TV blaring full blast. After dad passed away, it seemed like mom’s hearing got worse, and I often wonder if her dementia played a role in that. After my mom passed away, I still found myself turning on the TV full blast and utilizing the captions. It was too quiet without them here, so that was my way of coping with them being gone.  I often encountered a few people who would point out that I would be talking loudly in a social setting. I was thrown off by their comments and almost offended because I did not understand what they were talking about and why they felt the need to point this out to me. I thankfully have never had problems with my hearing before, so there has never been a conversation about me needing hearing aids.

Then, after much thought, it dawned on me that the reason why people would hear me talking loudly was because, after almost 6 years of living with mom and dad, that was how I communicated with them. I had to speak loudly to them to hear me. I guess it became almost second nature to me, and I did not realize it until it was pointed out. I then found that I had to constantly explain myself on the subject. It just became increasingly annoying having to address it to those who felt the need to constantly point it out.

I can see how they did not understand. You can lose yourself, and certain actions and behaviors that you become accustomed to doing while caring for others do not faze you. It is not about you anymore or how you look to others because, at the end of the day, none of those things matter.  How quickly people can point out other idiosyncrasies that bother them.

At times, I find myself turning up the TV a bit more (not quite as high as with mom and dad) and utilizing the captions. No, I am not hard of hearing. I just miss mom and dad.

I woke up feeling a bit off this morning, and even my morning show seemed off. I did not have an appointment today until after lunch, so I entertained the thought of taking a quick nap before starting my day in hopes that I would feel better. When I got comfortable on the couch, I was interrupted by a message from my physician’s office and had to jump on the computer. I was already up by then, so I might as well forget about the nap. On the days I work from home, I often try to fix my hair and put makeup on even though I am not going anywhere. It lifts my spirits and helps me get going. This morning started with a thought of what colors I wanted to put together, and I grabbed an eyeshadow palette. I gravitated toward specific colors and went with the creative flow without thinking about it. I am guilty of overthinking things, which will cause me to hit a wall that no ideas or creative thoughts can break through. This can affect all areas of my life.

Amid my outside transformation, an idea crossed my mind for a reel to put together for the professional organizing company I work for. Let me clarify, I am not an expert on putting videos or reels together. I honestly do not know how to use all available tools and settings to assemble these, but I am basically just doing trial and error. At last, another creative moment came over me, and I put a reel together.

I sat in a moment of silence, feeling a sense of accomplishment. I was almost in a state of shock because of how the day began and how I was feeling until I got up and moved around. The day was not looking promising. As I contemplated sharing this, the words ebb and flow came to mind. I looked up the definition, and of course, many examples came up, but this one stood out to me: “the natural rhythm of life and the continuous change and that there are times when things are on the rise and other times when they are on the decline.”

Things can change minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. We never know what lies ahead. We just find ourselves going with the flow.

Anytime we had visitors over to the house, my dad would always go to the door, watch them get into their vehicles, and wave at them as they drove away. If it was friends or family, then all three of us would be there with the front door wide open so they could see Mom because she would be in her wheelchair, and people could not see her unless the door was open.

My dad would do this with repairmen, plumbers, my VIA Para transportation, etc. It did not matter if there was a delay in how slow or fast they would pull away from the driveway or front of the house. He would stand there and wait. I would tell him that he did not have to stand and wait for them because there were times when the drivers would be there for a while to do their paperwork. It did not matter; he would keep the door open to avoid missing when they drove away.

Since their passing, I caught myself doing the same thing. I am carrying on the tradition of Santos & Gloria. So when you come over to visit, the three of us are standing at the front door waving goodbye to you.

The tendency to overthink and replay conversations in my head is a gift that I am not proud of. I will tell myself to let it go, but it will take a couple of days (sometimes longer) before it is entirely out of my system. Recently, I had a conversation with someone, and I was bothered by a comment they made about another agency’s business decision. I decided it was best to keep my opinion to myself rather than voice my disagreement on the subject. I thought about the situation the following days and tried to figure out if I should share my concerns and, if so, how to go about it without upsetting them. I did not want to overstep my bounds, but I wanted to express how wrong it would be if they confronted the other agency about their business practices.

On the third day of mulling this over, I was in the shower, and a thought came out of the blue. It almost felt like an immediate release to some degree. I had a possible resolution that seemed plausible and a positive approach. I was prepared to use this idea as soon as I could communicate with them during our following conversation. When the day arrived, I had the opportunity to speak to them about another subject, and in the midst of this, they brought up the concern. They remedied it without them even knowing how I felt about it. It was as if they maybe thought about it further and came to a different conclusion. I was amazed and relieved that I did not have to bring it up. However, I will keep my idea in my back pocket if they change their mind and return to their original plan. I will be better prepared for a response!

I often question why I put myself through all the stress and wasted energy in such situations. Just recently, I was doing the same thing when I was awaiting the results of a couple of MRIs that the Neurologist had ordered. I knew in my heart that they were going to come out normal. Although, part of me was hoping they would show some sort of abnormality because I am in search of answers to my current health issues. So, in the days following the MRIs, I constantly checked the patient portal to see if the results were posted. What can I say? I am a glutton for punishment. I was ultimately contacted by the imaging center, and they provided me with the results before the Neurologist’s office contacted me. The results came out normal, yet I was disappointed that I was left with no answers. Granted, this was just the first step in this process with the Neurologist, but I hoped it would be a short process.

So here I am, beginning the next step in this journey. My hope is that I approach this one with a different mindset. It would be great if a resolution to this came to me in the shower. One can hope.

Last night, there was a rainstorm that included hail and strong winds. I want to say that I may have heard something just as I was about to fall asleep, but I was too tired to get up to check. I thought I heard the sounds of the rain and winds and was thinking about what could be in the yard and blowing all over the place and into the neighbors’ yards. Luckily, I could not think of anything. In the morning, I looked out the backyard, and it didn’t appear that anything was out of place, and everything looked calm and quiet.

Last week seemed like a never-ending storm that was constantly blowing all around me, like I was in the middle of a torrential downpour of bullcrap, and it was raining all over me, and I was in no mood to sing. Instead, I had a couple of emotional meltdowns on the phone with the health insurance company and my doctor’s and specialists’ offices. I was yelling, crying, and getting all sorts of stressed out over what had been and was getting thrown my way. So, the week did not end on the best note. Hello Monday. What do you have in store for me today? To start off my day, I had to mentally prepare for the telemedicine appointment with my Primary Dr because I needed to catch her up on what had transpired recently with the insurance because her role is required to set the next steps in motion for the process of me getting some MRI’s completed. Amazingly, the conversation went better than expected, and her office did not waste any time sending the MRI order to the imaging center.

One down, a couple more to go. I called the insurance back to confirm if they needed the MRI order from my Primary Dr faxed to them. Again, I need to mentally prepare myself for this conversation due to the complications I faced with them last week. Much to my amazement, this go around went rather well, to say the least. I was informed that the insurance did not require authorization for the MRI after all, and I was left speechless because, before today, that was the whole issue. I was told initially that I could not get an MRI without prior authorization, and so on and so forth. I can get my two MRIs done without any referral, and I could not be more pleased with this outcome.

The final step required me to call the imaging center to see if they had any openings before my scheduled MRI appointment this Saturday. I informed them I would go to any of their locations in town. Please and thank you. Well, what do you know? They have an opening on Thursday, so guess what? Put me down. I am there already! After this final call, I felt a little weight lifted off my shoulders. I literally could feel it being slowly lifted.

As the day continued, I conversed through the patient portal with my Endocrinologist’s office to inform her of what had been transpiring. She treats me for my diseases of Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency and Hypothyroidism. After conversing with my neurologist’s office, she brought up my thyroid issues, and I wanted to present a question to my endocrinologist about the neurologist’s thought process. I was impressed because I received a response within a matter of minutes that she was ordering some blood work ASAP. I ordered a Lyft driver and made my way to the facility to get my blood drawn.

At this moment, I feel it might be safe to begin to come up for air—not all the way, but in slow, cautious, and intentional movements.

To Be Continued.