Author: dloboss

The feeling of being unable to breathe is an instance in life when we can feel like we are suffocating, drowning, and trapped. I have had too many instances where I have experienced this throughout my life. I especially experienced this before I moved from Texas to Colorado where I felt unfulfilled and unhappy both personally and professionally. I could not breathe, and I felt claustrophobic until an unexpected opportunity was presented to me to move to Colorado and without even thinking about it I just did it. That was so unlike me, and I had never done anything like that before, but I was so desperate that I did not think twice. I just jumped and I never looked back. I resided in Colorado for 20 years until I could not breathe again to the point where my life was draining out of me.

The beginning of January 2017 involved the culmination of events that led to my decision to choose life over death. The first week of the year involved me passing out at work. I had many ongoing medical issues that were just accumulating and getting worse until my body could not take it anymore. This was an obvious sign that I needed to take a step back from work because this was one of the biggest causes of stress in my life and it was affecting my health. Little did I know that a step back was eventually going to be me resigning from my 11-year employment at the Summit County Sheriff’s Office. That was one of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make. It was hard but I knew that this time I had to choose my life over the job.

In early Spring 2017, my Cardiologist put me on oxygen due to the temporary drop in oxygen saturation I experienced during sleep. I had to use oxygen while I slept which was annoying. I had the big oxygen tank with the extra-long oxygen tubes and the whole nine yards. I did not realize that my oxygen levels went down while I slept but it was low enough for me to be on oxygen. After starting the oxygen, I started getting nosebleeds. I had never had nosebleeds before. Now when I say nosebleeds, it was more like a waterfall coming out of my nose that would not stop, and nothing I would do like what they suggested leaning my head back and pinching my nose never worked because I would choke on my own blood if I leaned my head back. These episodes were a situation that immediately became serious because I have Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency. As a result, my body does not produce Cortisol which is the stress hormone. One of Cortisol’s most important jobs is to help our bodies respond to any type of stress including illness, emotional or physical stresses, injury, or trauma increasing cortisol production up to ten times the normal amount. During any type of emergency, we must receive an immediate injection of steroids, or our bodies will go into adrenal crisis, causing coma or heart failure and eventually death. Without proper and immediate treatment an adrenal crisis can become fatal. I must have my emergency kit on hand at all times which contains a vial of Solu-Cortef (Hydrocortisone) 100mg which needs to be administered intramuscularly in addition to going to the ER.

During this situation with my nosebleed, I was unable to give myself the injection due to me trying to keep myself leaning over the kitchen or bathroom sink to avoid blood going all over everything. I had no choice but to wait until EMS arrived for them to administer the injection. I had to do my best to keep myself calm and awake because I could feel life draining out of me. They administered the injection and transported me to the ER. The ER Physician took care of the bleeding and then released me. At this point, it was 4am or 5am in the morning, and I did not have a way to get home. Summit County had just started getting Uber/Lyft in our area, but they were not around that early in the morning. The free bus transportation was available but out of the question because I was having issues walking much less walking long distances. Thankfully, one of the EMTs that had brought me in the ambulance said they would give me a ride home. I believe the reason he offered was because he knew I worked for the Sheriff’s Office.

Once I got home, I attempted to rest and get some sleep then suddenly I started getting another nosebleed. The last thing I remember doing was going to my kitchen and I picked up the phone, dialed 911, and just said help and I laid down on the floor. That was all I remember because I lost consciousness. Luckily, one of the Sheriff’s Deputies happened to be in the area and came to the rescue. After the EMTs administered the emergency injection, I came to and found myself in the back of the ambulance and I remember crying and saying aloud that I was done, tired and over this and wanted my life to be over. The two ambulance techs that were on either side of me at the end of the stretcher were talking to each other and I realized that at that moment they were too involved in their own conversation they were not paying attention to me or hearing what I said. That was a good thing otherwise they would have placed a M1 hold on me and that would have caused a whole different outcome in this situation that would not have been ideal for me. The good thing about this trip to the ER was the ER Physician cauterized one of the blood vessels in my nose and that resolved the problem. From that point on, I had to use a face mask instead of the nasal cannulas and add a humidifier to the oxygen tank.

Throughout the rest of the year, at every turn, I was hitting all these obstacles of health issues from my heart and blood pressure, issues with debilitating muscular pain in my legs and arms, my disease, my medications, etc. I could not win no matter what I did. In August 2017, I made my decision to resign from the Sheriff’s Office. As mentioned before, it was one of the toughest decisions but also one of the best decisions. I could not physically work a full-time job but wanted to find something part-time. Luckily for me, I found a part-time job at a Wellness Spa that was a positive change and no stress. Then a few months later, I received a call from the Dillon Police Department and had the opportunity to help them out part-time until they found a full-time person until the end of the year. I ended my employment with Wellness Spa to pursue a position at the Dillon Police Department. After my temporary position at the Dillon Police Department ended, I was unemployed at the start of 2018. In my job search, I found a part-time job 10-15 hours a week at an Oil & Gas company that was an Administrative Assistant position that was chill and easy. I absolutely loved it. I also located another job working at an Appliance Repair company two days a week from home that consisted of Administrative Assistant duties, Receptionist, and Scheduling appointments. It was perfect because I had always dreamed of working from home. I continued to work both part-time jobs but I was still battling my health issues and they were only getting worse.

By the Spring of 2018, I knew that I had to make another life-altering decision. I was experiencing those same feelings as I did before I left Texas unfulfilled, unhappy, and defeated, but this time my life was hanging in the balance. In March 2018, I came to visit my mom for her birthday, and during my visit, I could feel something inside of me telling me that I needed to move back home not only for my health but to take care of my parents. I needed to get my life and health in order because I had a purpose now. This is one of the few times in my life where I felt confident this was a decision that I needed to make and put into motion as soon as possible. I did not mention anything to my family at this point because I did not know the specifics of how, who, what, or where. I was just focused on getting back to Colorado so I could set my plans into motion. When I spoke to my landlord, I had to give him a date that I would be out of the apartment. For some reason, the date of July 1st was the date I had in my mind that I would be in Texas. I told him I would be out of the apartment at the end of June. Once I started on my list of tasks, things started falling into place with first using the UPS Store to ship my belongings to my parent’s house. I also sold my furniture, so I did not have to worry about how I was going to have those transported. My landlord found someone to lease my apartment which happened to be one of my friend’s mother-in-law. I managed to take care of everything I needed before moving and my last day in Colorado was June 28^th. On June 28, 2018, I suddenly started to feel like I could breathe again.

Have you ever walked by something in your home that has been there for a while, and then one day, something in that space gets your attention and stops you dead in your tracks? Well, this happened this morning as I walked out of my home office/gym room and looked up at the makeshift vision board on the wall. I can’t remember when I found this article, but it spoke to me enough to cut it out and hold onto it.

I was just sharing with my sister that the plants I did have are gone, and come springtime, I hope to get a few more to start over again. It’s a good thing our personal growth garden can be nurtured and maintained, and constant growth can occur year-round, no matter what season we are in!

Once upon a time, she went exploring, not knowing what was on the other side. Like a bird leaving the nest for the first time, learning how to fly, breathing on her own for the first time, this adventure had only a wing and a prayer. So where does she go? She goes high on top of the mountains, where you can reach out and touch the sky.

Why not? She knows it’s time and long past due no better time. Just do it, they say, but she didn’t think they were talking about her. It finally spoke to her for some reason, and she was obliged. The first step begins with the job, which is a safe bet, the most comfortable choice, which sets the stage for questionable risky bets to the climatic last step in the career journey. Everything between the stages has conflict, betrayal, embarrassment, criticism, jealousy, confusion, admonishment, rewards, challenges, and many more plots and twists to count.

She had a few of those same plots and twists, some not worth mentioning in the relationships she picked up along the road. Looking for love in all the wrong places was an understatement. She found herself in questionable places and with the wrong types. Sometimes, she would devour and discard the scraps, but other times, she was devoured and left alone to lick her wounds. The odds are good, but the goods are odd. Nice to meet you; what is your name? Depression, bipolar disorder, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. She was clueless, and the light didn’t turn on until it was too late.

It was late, but better late than never. She lived, learned, picked herself off the ground, and survived. She was successful in her career, but choosing between the job and her life was now down to the wire. Her personal life and health were in disarray, but she knew the answer. She moved on, and once again, that no-fear mentality rose from the grave. From that point on, she was unstoppable despite not being clear what was up ahead, she did a fly dive into the air and flew like an eagle on a mission.

If you have known me for more than 30 years, then you will recognize this place. For those who do not know, it was my Church back when I was in my mid-teens to early twenties. It has not been the same Church in over 20 years. After moving back home almost 7 years ago and not having been in a “Church” in about the same amount of time, I felt something inside telling me I needed to get back, but I had no idea where to go. I then noticed that the building was still there but was a different Church. My inner voice told me that I needed to return to this place even though it was apparent it was not the same Church. The building drew me back, but I honestly was hesitant to step foot in there for fear there would be a lightning strike. Therefore, I would sit in the very last row in the back. I did this for quite a while until the ushers insisted that people sit closer to the front. I would only move a couple of rows in front of me at a time. After encouragement from people in my Sunday School, I ended up sitting closer to the front than I had planned.

I have been attending since 2019, and when COVID hit, it was closed for a while, and they would primarily stream the services. With my responsibilities to take care of mom and dad, this became more convenient for me. Even after the Church was opened again for in-person services, I continued to stream. It was not until maybe six months after my mom’s passing in September 2023 that I began to attend Church again since I was alone and did not have any excuses. It was hard to get used to being around people and crowds, and it was not large crowds by any means, but there were more people than I was used to being around at once.

It was not until recently that I thought about sitting on the balcony because the original pews were still up there. The pictures attached to this post I took when I first sat upstairs. As I sat there looking around, I felt a flood of memories come over me.  Memories from more than 30 years ago, a different time, place, people, atmosphere. I sometimes struggled, feeling like I was back in school, where I wanted to be part of the “in” crowd. Looking back, it was the most ridiculous thing to feel that way, and the lengths I would go to feel seen and acknowledged. A desperate need to feel like I have friends. I am embarrassed that I even felt and acted that way. During this moment, good memories also made their way in and, most importantly, comfort. I felt so at peace sitting there that I texted these photos to one of my previous Youth pastors that I had during that time. I felt the need to share with someone who could relate and possibly they would have a flood of memories and mixed emotions upon looking at the photos.

I now make it a point to go straight up to the balcony when I attend Church to go to my quiet place amid the crowds.

At this point in my life, I am all about the little things and celebrating any accomplishment, big or small. I think that small steps lead to more significant changes. I keep receiving confirmation from different avenues that I need to focus on the Lord, and He will guide me in my steps. It is not like I did not already believe this, but right now, when I am debating on what I should do professionally, this is ringing loud to keep my focus and move forward no matter who or what is attempting to distract me.

It is not even a week into the month, and so far, I have had my start-of-the-year follow-up appointments with my Primary Physician and my Endocrinologist. The good news is that all the lab work that was ordered came back good, with the exception of a couple of things. We are continuing to make strides to keep those conditions associated with my Adrenal Insufficiency manageable. My health is now a top priority, and that goes hand in hand with my mental and spiritual health.

Here is to making little changes that will have a significant impact!

I utilize the VIA Para transportation service, and I will usually have different drivers, but occasionally, I will encounter a familiar face. Recently, a driver asked me, as soon as I entered the vehicle, if I still worked at a place he remembered taking me to. His question threw me off because of the place he mentioned I had not worked at in over two years. Unfortunately, he did not look familiar to me, so my memory was not serving me well then. He explained that as soon as I started talking, he remembered me and my personality and that I looked different. At that moment, my thought was whether this could be a good or bad thing. He had just picked me up from the gym, so I was not looking my best. He also remembered me often telling funny stories about my mom and dad and being their caregiver. As the conversation continued, I relaxed and realized this was a good thing.

This encounter made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. It was a reminder that while I am on the transportation service, which, due to being a rideshare, can be a quick trip or an hour and a half to two hours long, to take the time to share a friendly hello and thank you to the driver and conversation if the driver is open to it. I never know who I will encounter on my trips, but I hope to brighten someone’s day with a smile, hello, and thank you.

It’s taken me a while to get the motivation to write anything, to put words together, and to filter my thoughts to make sense of them. I have yet to figure out where to begin due to the battle that is ongoing in my mind. I am almost willing to admit it might be easier to sort through the present and work my way back. Maybe, just maybe, feeling vulnerable enough to share.

Stay tuned.