Author: dloboss

I woke up feeling a bit off this morning, and even my morning show seemed off. I did not have an appointment today until after lunch, so I entertained the thought of taking a quick nap before starting my day in hopes that I would feel better. When I got comfortable on the couch, I was interrupted by a message from my physician’s office and had to jump on the computer. I was already up by then, so I might as well forget about the nap. On the days I work from home, I often try to fix my hair and put makeup on even though I am not going anywhere. It lifts my spirits and helps me get going. This morning started with a thought of what colors I wanted to put together, and I grabbed an eyeshadow palette. I gravitated toward specific colors and went with the creative flow without thinking about it. I am guilty of overthinking things, which will cause me to hit a wall that no ideas or creative thoughts can break through. This can affect all areas of my life.

Amid my outside transformation, an idea crossed my mind for a reel to put together for the professional organizing company I work for. Let me clarify, I am not an expert on putting videos or reels together. I honestly do not know how to use all available tools and settings to assemble these, but I am basically just doing trial and error. At last, another creative moment came over me, and I put a reel together.

I sat in a moment of silence, feeling a sense of accomplishment. I was almost in a state of shock because of how the day began and how I was feeling until I got up and moved around. The day was not looking promising. As I contemplated sharing this, the words ebb and flow came to mind. I looked up the definition, and of course, many examples came up, but this one stood out to me: “the natural rhythm of life and the continuous change and that there are times when things are on the rise and other times when they are on the decline.”

Things can change minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day. We never know what lies ahead. We just find ourselves going with the flow.

Anytime we had visitors over to the house, my dad would always go to the door, watch them get into their vehicles, and wave at them as they drove away. If it was friends or family, then all three of us would be there with the front door wide open so they could see Mom because she would be in her wheelchair, and people could not see her unless the door was open.

My dad would do this with repairmen, plumbers, my VIA Para transportation, etc. It did not matter if there was a delay in how slow or fast they would pull away from the driveway or front of the house. He would stand there and wait. I would tell him that he did not have to stand and wait for them because there were times when the drivers would be there for a while to do their paperwork. It did not matter; he would keep the door open to avoid missing when they drove away.

Since their passing, I caught myself doing the same thing. I am carrying on the tradition of Santos & Gloria. So when you come over to visit, the three of us are standing at the front door waving goodbye to you.

The tendency to overthink and replay conversations in my head is a gift that I am not proud of. I will tell myself to let it go, but it will take a couple of days (sometimes longer) before it is entirely out of my system. Recently, I had a conversation with someone, and I was bothered by a comment they made about another agency’s business decision. I decided it was best to keep my opinion to myself rather than voice my disagreement on the subject. I thought about the situation the following days and tried to figure out if I should share my concerns and, if so, how to go about it without upsetting them. I did not want to overstep my bounds, but I wanted to express how wrong it would be if they confronted the other agency about their business practices.

On the third day of mulling this over, I was in the shower, and a thought came out of the blue. It almost felt like an immediate release to some degree. I had a possible resolution that seemed plausible and a positive approach. I was prepared to use this idea as soon as I could communicate with them during our following conversation. When the day arrived, I had the opportunity to speak to them about another subject, and in the midst of this, they brought up the concern. They remedied it without them even knowing how I felt about it. It was as if they maybe thought about it further and came to a different conclusion. I was amazed and relieved that I did not have to bring it up. However, I will keep my idea in my back pocket if they change their mind and return to their original plan. I will be better prepared for a response!

I often question why I put myself through all the stress and wasted energy in such situations. Just recently, I was doing the same thing when I was awaiting the results of a couple of MRIs that the Neurologist had ordered. I knew in my heart that they were going to come out normal. Although, part of me was hoping they would show some sort of abnormality because I am in search of answers to my current health issues. So, in the days following the MRIs, I constantly checked the patient portal to see if the results were posted. What can I say? I am a glutton for punishment. I was ultimately contacted by the imaging center, and they provided me with the results before the Neurologist’s office contacted me. The results came out normal, yet I was disappointed that I was left with no answers. Granted, this was just the first step in this process with the Neurologist, but I hoped it would be a short process.

So here I am, beginning the next step in this journey. My hope is that I approach this one with a different mindset. It would be great if a resolution to this came to me in the shower. One can hope.

Last night, there was a rainstorm that included hail and strong winds. I want to say that I may have heard something just as I was about to fall asleep, but I was too tired to get up to check. I thought I heard the sounds of the rain and winds and was thinking about what could be in the yard and blowing all over the place and into the neighbors’ yards. Luckily, I could not think of anything. In the morning, I looked out the backyard, and it didn’t appear that anything was out of place, and everything looked calm and quiet.

Last week seemed like a never-ending storm that was constantly blowing all around me, like I was in the middle of a torrential downpour of bullcrap, and it was raining all over me, and I was in no mood to sing. Instead, I had a couple of emotional meltdowns on the phone with the health insurance company and my doctor’s and specialists’ offices. I was yelling, crying, and getting all sorts of stressed out over what had been and was getting thrown my way. So, the week did not end on the best note. Hello Monday. What do you have in store for me today? To start off my day, I had to mentally prepare for the telemedicine appointment with my Primary Dr because I needed to catch her up on what had transpired recently with the insurance because her role is required to set the next steps in motion for the process of me getting some MRI’s completed. Amazingly, the conversation went better than expected, and her office did not waste any time sending the MRI order to the imaging center.

One down, a couple more to go. I called the insurance back to confirm if they needed the MRI order from my Primary Dr faxed to them. Again, I need to mentally prepare myself for this conversation due to the complications I faced with them last week. Much to my amazement, this go around went rather well, to say the least. I was informed that the insurance did not require authorization for the MRI after all, and I was left speechless because, before today, that was the whole issue. I was told initially that I could not get an MRI without prior authorization, and so on and so forth. I can get my two MRIs done without any referral, and I could not be more pleased with this outcome.

The final step required me to call the imaging center to see if they had any openings before my scheduled MRI appointment this Saturday. I informed them I would go to any of their locations in town. Please and thank you. Well, what do you know? They have an opening on Thursday, so guess what? Put me down. I am there already! After this final call, I felt a little weight lifted off my shoulders. I literally could feel it being slowly lifted.

As the day continued, I conversed through the patient portal with my Endocrinologist’s office to inform her of what had been transpiring. She treats me for my diseases of Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency and Hypothyroidism. After conversing with my neurologist’s office, she brought up my thyroid issues, and I wanted to present a question to my endocrinologist about the neurologist’s thought process. I was impressed because I received a response within a matter of minutes that she was ordering some blood work ASAP. I ordered a Lyft driver and made my way to the facility to get my blood drawn.

At this moment, I feel it might be safe to begin to come up for air—not all the way, but in slow, cautious, and intentional movements.

To Be Continued.

How do you look beyond a bad day that involves dealing with forces bigger than you? Forces are the health insurance companies and doctor’s offices. I unexpectedly found myself in the urgent care clinic a month ago today because, out of the blue, I started feeling sick while at a dentist’s appointment. It was something that just came over me as I was sitting in the waiting room. I had been feeling fine and had no inclination that I was coming down with anything before this moment. So, while at the clinic, they tested me for the flu and COVID-19, and both tests came out negative. The Doctor stated I may have caught a virus or infection and to rest, take pain medication as needed, drink plenty of fluids, and sent me on my way. The following days I found myself feeling worse and existing on the couch not able to do much. I would force myself to get up and try to do simple tasks, and just as I was thinking maybe I could shake it off, the symptoms would remind me they were not going anywhere.

The Monday following the clinic visit, I experienced chest pains I hadn’t experienced before, in the back of an ambulance and on my way to the ER. I also had a series of adrenal crisis episodes (I have Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency) from the moment EMS picked me up and also a few more at the hospital. They admitted me into the hospital immediately, and unfortunately, I had to stay in the ER holding until a room was available more than 24 hours later. During my hospitalization, they ran a series of tests and blood work, ruled out any cardiological issues, and ruled out any strokes and seizures. I pretty much knew all the tests that were performed would be negative. I am pretty healthy for the most part, aside from my Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency, Panhypopituitarism, Hypothyroidism, and high blood pressure, which are managed daily. I rarely get sick with a cold or flu, so experiencing this was abnormal. My symptoms were fatigue, muscle weakness, muscle aches, tingling, numbness, and pain. In addition, my neck is sore, and it feels like I am having difficulty holding my head up because it feels heavy. I have difficulty concentrating and have blurry vision at times. I also feel like my mobility is unstable as if I am walking lopsided.

Upon discharge from the hospital, I followed up with my primary physician, who referred me to a neurologist and a rheumatologist. If you are familiar with this process, it can be daunting to confirm that the specialists accept your insurance and get an appointment that is not months out. I was able to get an appointment to see the neurologist the following week after seeing my primary doctor, so I was pleased. The Neurologist immediately ordered some blood work and also an order for two different MRI tests to check my neck and spine. I completed the blood work immediately following my appointment. The process of scheduling the MRI tests has been challenging, to say the least, and I think the most stressful part so far, aside from the symptoms I am experiencing.

I have spent hours on the phone with my insurance company, multiple calls to the radiology centers to check for any cancellations so I can get an earlier appointment, sending messages to my Primary and Neurologist through the patient portals, having a friend fax a document to my Primary Dr. I found out yesterday that after I had scheduled the MRI appointment that my insurance did not have a record of an MRI referral because my Primary Dr office never sent a copy to my insurance company. Needless to say, I had a meltdown on the phone with my insurance company because it was hard enough to get an appointment, only to find out the MRI tests cannot be done before the pre-authorization is approved by my insurance. As it stands right now, I have a telemed appointment with my Primary on Monday just so she can fax the MRI order to my insurance and start the pre-authorization process. Even though they received not one but two faxed copies (one from my neurologist’s office) of my MRI order early this afternoon, they insisted that I wait until Monday before they proceed. I am forced to play the game and jump through the hoops.

After my conversation with the insurance company this morning, I was even more drained and felt worse than I did when I started my day. So much so that due to my adrenal insufficiency and the stress of the situation, I needed to double my regular steroid dosage so I would not have an adrenal crisis. I was telling myself not today. After taking my medication, I ate something and did my best to relax and rest for a couple of hours. I have found that my mobility has slowed at this point, so I have to pace myself with the simplest tasks even while working from home because I have to pace myself and do things in stages. One of the things the Neurologist suspects is that it could be a virus that I contracted. We still have no answers until she completes the tests she wants to order. I am still waiting for the rheumatologist referral order to go through the process, so that will be the next step if necessary.

This is not my first rodeo when it comes to healing with health issues, so this is not unfamiliar territory. After experiencing my brain tumor back in 2007, I have plenty of experience through the years of dealing with various doctors, specialists, and insurance companies. One aspect that I do not like is feeling vulnerable and weak. On the day I was experiencing the chest pains, I was literally trying to tell myself it was not happening and I was going to shake it off. I even began to cook dinner and put chicken breast on the stove. The more I moved, the stronger the chest pains came on, and I called my cousin to come to the house to take me to the ER.

I have been thinking about the events that have transpired so far, and the words that come to my mind are pivot and reset. Before the initial event of the clinic visit, I had been contemplating decisions to make regarding what I wanted to do during this next stage in my life. I was beginning to test the waters of various opportunities, and suddenly, this happened and put a pause on everything. I wondered if this was God’s way of getting my attention and telling me to stop because I was getting ahead of myself. My current situation leaves me with no choice but to be still and wait, which is not in my nature. It also reminds me that despite what people may say or think or the unsolicited opinions thrown my way, it does not matter because I answer to only myself and God. I will continue to focus on God because I know He is in control, and only He can bring me through this valley.

My peace comes first.

Through the years, I knew my mom liked to write notes while attending Bible study, Church sermons, and watching her favorite preachers on TV. I saved the ones I would come across and put them in some storage bins because I knew I wanted to keep them. After she passed in September 2023, I came across more writings on index cards or just random pieces of paper while going through her belongings. Just yesterday, I was cleaning my office space, moved my desk, and noticed that a small piece of paper had fallen behind it. I picked it up, and it was one of my mom’s writings. It took my breath away because the heading at the top stated, “When trouble comes against you, encourage yourself.”

I have been dealing with unexplained health issues that led me to an urgent care clinic visit, ER, and then ultimately admitted into the hospital three weeks ago. They performed a series of tests only to come up with no answers but more questions. I continue to experience the same symptoms from when this all began, and it feels like they are progressively getting worse. After a recent follow-up with my Primary Physician, she referred me to a Neurologist and a Rheumatologist. This is the next step in finding answers to my questions.

I remember seeing this particular piece of paper on my desk, but it was folded up, and for whatever reason, I hadn’t opened it, just moved it from one spot to another. I read it and began crying because I could hear my mom telling me this. After a couple of meltdowns on the phone with the insurance company and various medical offices, I was frustrated and broken. The timing of coming upon this note was nothing short of divine intervention because I needed this reminder and encouragement.

I will keep this note close to me as a reminder that although I am weak, He is strong and in control.

This is my birdbath and bird seed storage bin. This is not the original birdbath, but a replacement from a few years ago after my dad accidentally knocked the other one over. Through the years, mom and dad always made sure the birdbath was filled and birdseed was put out for the birds. They enjoyed seeing the birds and squirrels come and overtake the yard. We would get different kinds of birds that I honestly could not tell you the species other than the usual black crows and what I think are pigeons (we called them gorditas because they look chunky).

If you took the time to watch them, you could see the personalities of each species as they interacted with each other. It could be entertaining to watch them as they would puff up to try and get to the food first even though it was spread all over the yard. There was plenty of room and food for everyone but there was always those few who would bully the others for territory.

My mom would constantly clean out the original birdbath which was white in color. She would get comet and literally scrub it down and rinse it out until it was to her liking. The time came when she or my dad were not physically able to fill the birdbath or put out the birdseed, so I took over the job. I told myself I was not going to clean out the birdbath like she did with Comet.

Well, that did not last. I ended up doing the same thing and carrying on the tradition of cleaning the birdbath to her standards. After my dad passed, I carried on the task for mom because I think she enjoyed the birds more than dad did and it made her happy to see the birds visiting us and truth be told I did too.

After mom passed a year and a half ago, I stopped putting water in the birdbath, cleaning it, and putting birdseed out. I do not know if that was my way of grieving because it was something that I did for mom and dad that brought them joy and I figured what was the point of it now. I could not tell you how long this went on until I snapped out of it. One day it hit me that it brought me joy too. I missed doing this simple thing of providing food and water for the birds. Seeing the cardinals come around make me feel like it’s mom and dad coming to visit me. So I have no choice but to continue this task so they can see that I am continuing their tradition.

On a side note, I have not been well for the past two weeks and ended up in the hospital recently. Upon my discharge, I still have no answers but left with more questions and still not feeling right. My primary physician is attempting to explore additional opinions and has submitted referrals to two different specialists. I have not been able to put food or water out for the birds in a while, but today despite not feeling great I decided it was time. I went outside put food, water, I do not quite have the energy to clean out the birdbath but I did rinse it out and refill it. Physically, I was forcing myself to perform this simple task, but despite that I see one lone cardinal in the birdbath. That was all I needed.