I was going through one of my old journal books and found something that I wrote down. I’m not sure if I copied this quote from someone or if I made it up. There wasn’t anything written before or after that indicates what prompted me to write it.
“There is a lesson to learn in everything we endure in life”
I literally was thinking of this last night even before this writing prompt was posted. Right before bed the thought crossed my mind and I was struggling with the order of the countries I want to visit. My first choice at this moment would be The Shetland Islands because of the series of books that I’ve read that are based in this area. I found myself lost in the stories and imagined myself being there. They even did a BBC TV series based off of these books. I became even more obsessed with going!
My second choice would be Greece because of a movie I saw many years ago called Grace of Monaco and again I was influenced by the beauty of the country. I’ve also completed some puzzles with the scenery of different areas of Greece. As each image would come together I would daydream that I was there. I also remember an episode of Anthony Bourdain No Reservations being filmed in Greece and that always stayed with me.
My list continues with Italy, Paris, Ireland, and on and on.
One day.
On Monday afternoon there was some drama taking place on my street with EMS, Police, and a Police helicopter patrolling the area above. Shortly before this started, mom had just woken up from her nap. As each day progresses, there are times when she will begin to decline physically and become melancholy, agitated, and anxious. It is during these times that I will try to be creative, redirect her attention, and put on a classic TV show that she enjoys or something spiritual. I decided to do a search on YouTube for a preacher that she has not watched in a long time. I found a video and she was immediately focused on it and it was uplifting her spirits.
So back to the drama taking place outside. The EMS was handling their part, Police officers were staking the neighborhood, and there was a Police helicopter patrolling the area above. Even though I was curious as to what was going on, I was hoping that they would not come to our door because I did not want mom to become alarmed. Luckily, they went to my neighbor’s house, so I ended up reaching out to her to get an idea of what was going on.
During this whole time, which was about an hour or so, mom had no clue what was happening. She was sheltered from the chaos going on around us. Her attention was elsewhere and at that moment, she did not have a care in the world.
I feel a sense of security in where I am right now because I know that these past five years have been the fulfillment of what my purpose is during this chapter in my life. At the same time, my sense of security can waver depending on what each day brings and the obstacles that arise. Being a caregiver to my mom can present many challenges, twists and turns, and uncertainty. Although this causes fear, anxiety, doubt, etc., my faith is what provides me with the sense of security that I’m not alone. No matter what comes my way, I put my trust in God that He is seeing me through to the other side of whatever mountain stands before me.
Ever since I was younger, I have always wanted to travel and see the world. When I was a teenager, I went on Missions trips with my Church youth group to Mexico. A few years later, I went on a road trip with a friend from Texas, Michigan, and the Upper Peninsula, Windsor Canada, then on our way back to Texas we stopped in Memphis TN. Not too many other events stood out after that until I made the decision to move to Breckenridge Colorado after only visiting there once before only a few months prior. This was one of the most adventurous things I had ever done in my life.
When I was younger, my definition of adventure was being able to travel to faraway places that I have never seen but only dreamed of. A place to escape to where I would not have a care in the world and no rush to hurry back home. In my own little world, I’ve had my own versions of adventure which have not required me to travel very far. I finally got a passport about 6 years ago and not for any reason only to have it because I have not given up on my dream to travel. I know the day will come when I will have the opportunity to use my passport and I wait in anticipation of what that is going to feel like.
This post is from 7-13-23, and it was inspired by a writing prompt. I do not normally participate in writing prompts, but this one got my attention for some reason. I had been my parents’ caregiver up until this point, and my dad had passed away in November 2022, so it was now just my mom and me. It is interesting because this post came up in my memories today, and it made me laugh because I still wake up at the same time, even after my mom passed away in September 2023. I still find myself waking up at this time, even before my alarm goes off, whether I am working or not. It is funny how some things never change.
When I wake up varies but it can be between 5:00am-6:00am. Waking up at this time is key to starting out the day in the right way. I am my mom’s caregiver so I need to get myself together first in the morning the best way I can so I can be ready to tend to her once she wakes up. I have her toiletries and everything we need to get her washed up in the morning and dressed. The kitchen table is prepared for breakfast by the time she is up and once I know what she wants to eat, I can make it quickly.
When I go to bed can also vary but usually after getting mom to bed between 9pm and 9:30pm then I can start to get myself ready for bed. This is my time to wind down and reflect on the day, jot down any notes or reminders for myself and things concerning my mom’s care. I can fall asleep right away for the most part and if not, then I will have an audiobook or a nature documentary on and those will usually help me fall asleep. I have a baby monitor in my mom’s room so I do find myself checking in on her in the middle of the night.
This is a schedule that I do my best to keep for my own sanity, but it doesn’t always work out that way. I have learned to be flexible and adapt to whatever may come because, with my mom, there are constant plot twists that can cause the schedule to go out the window.
I had a dream this week and part of it consisted of me speaking with a man who I did not recognize but at one point during the conversation, he looked at me and said I was a tainted heart. All I remember is that I was struck speechless and didn’t know how to respond.
The next thing I remember is that I woke up and I couldn’t get it out of my mind and was bothered by it to be honest. After a while, I found myself on Google and did a search for the meaning of tainted heart. Of course, you can imagine all the results I received, amongst them, results for the song Tainted Love which has never been on my playlist of favorite songs.
In the midst of the search results, I came across a link for a daily devotional titled The Tainted Heart. Of course, it immediately got my attention, and for good reason. It spoke of the prompting that we receive from God when we need to deal with certain areas of our lives that we choose to overlook. As soon as I read it, I could relate to its explanation and began to reflect on the ways my heart is tainted and how to eliminate what has taken root. If there is something that is brought to my attention that I don’t feel like dealing with, I will convince myself that I don’t have time for it and set it aside in hopes that it will fade away in my ignorance.
Burying things always have a way of resurfacing and more times than not, there isn’t a warning. Just a tone of a conversation or text, mood, attitude, or look can set it off and suddenly there’s a spontaneous combustion. A fireworks show is on display and if anyone has the unfortunate luck to be a spectator, they’re left with the anticipation of when the smoke is going to clear. It eventually does clear, and then it is as if nothing happened, but the residual effect remains lingering until it is dealt with.
My hope in reading this devotion is that I’m not only reading the words but applying their principles in order to cure this tainted heart.
In this writing prompt, I began to reflect back to my teachers growing up and I was remembering a few that stand out in my mind. I had two teachers who were husband and wife who taught at my middle school and the husband was always laid back, had a monotone voice, a comb-over, and always rested his hands on his stomach. It’s sad to say that is all I remember of him and I remember more of my friends and I cutting up in his class and doing our makeup because his class was first thing in the morning. His wife was a little more vocal and strict and would always say “Shame on ya” when she would get upset. I still to this day always think of them because they lived in the neighborhood next to mine and every time I pass their house I wonder what happened to them.
I had another Math teacher from high school Mr. Wayne who definitely influenced me in not giving up on Math. He was patient, took his time to explain each process, and also had a great sense of humor. I looked forward to his class despite the fact that I absolutely hated math and if I could have avoided that subject altogether I would have done it. One thing that helped me was that the school had this phone tutoring service and you could call after school and receive help on any subject. Mr. Wayne would be one of the teachers on this tutoring service and my friend and I would always be calling in hopes we could talk to Mr. Wayne.
In middle school, I had to take a Homemaking class and the teacher was a throwback from the 1950s from her point of view to her wardrobe. She was very proper and was very intent in everything she taught from the semester in cooking to sewing. Students would make fun of her, but I was fascinated by her and respected her because she was different from the other teachers and very confident in how she taught.
When I was younger, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. One of the things was a teacher. There are old photos of me outside with my stuffed animals gathered around while I was reading and writing on a chalkboard. In my mind, that was all I needed to do to be a teacher. I think was makes a teacher great is having strong communication skills, confidence, intention, patience, honesty, and showing that you care if your students are learning.
I have held onto this ticket since June 28, 2018, when I moved from Colorado back to Texas. This is only the second one-way ticket that I have ever purchased before. I was excited, anxious, and nervous all at once because I knew it was the right time and I was ready for the big change. I couldn’t bring myself to throw this ticket away because it is more than just a piece of paper. It was a life-changing event.
Throughout the 20 years that I lived in Colorado, I can recall many conversations with friends and family asking me when I was going to move back home. Every time, I would give the same answer which was no, it’s not time yet. After the complications with my brain tumor surgeries, my disease diagnosis, vision loss, and after my 14-year relationship ended, the questions came more often and the answer remained the same, no, it is not time yet. For one thing, I do not take too kindly to people telling me how they think I should be living my life much less telling me what to do. I know they meant well but it was my life to live right or wrong.
I remember in March 2018, I came to Texas to visit mom for her birthday and literally, I heard a voice inside me say it was time to come back home. I didn’t say anything to anyone and just kept it to myself until I knew for sure because I felt it was something that was going to happen within a matter of months. My plans needed to be definite before I could tell anyone. I returned to Colorado and began looking into how this plan was going to work. There were many factors to take into consideration. For one thing, I had my apartment and I needed to explore my options as far as the rental lease was concerned. Secondly, I do not drive so I could not drive a U-Haul nor was I going to ask anyone to drive a U-Haul truck for me. I also could not afford to hire a company to move my belongings so that was not an option either. I remember speaking with my landlord in April and I was telling him my plans and he asked me when I was going to be moving. I clearly remember thinking to myself I have no clue. I found myself saying I will be out of the apartment by July 1st. Where that date came from I am not sure but I said it and there was no turning back.
Everything just started falling into place especially when it came to my apartment. A coworker of mine informed me that she needed to find an apartment for her mother and mine was the perfect fit for her. After working out the specifics with the landlord, it was a seamless transition with my rental lease being terminated and the new tenant moving in on July 1st. I began selling the things that I knew I did not want to take with me like my furniture and other items. As far as the rest of my belongings, I used the UPS Store to ship them to my parent’s house which ended up being the most cost-effective method. I was out of my apartment a few days earlier than expected and stayed with friends up until I left the County on June 28th. It is funny because it was not until after I had moved back to Texas that I realized that I moved from Texas to Colorado in June 1998. I literally came full circle 20 years later when I moved back to Texas in June 2018.
Bless this day you bring upon me and may it be better than the last. Silence my tongue as you give me eyes to see and ears to hear. I pray my soul remains calm and my heart open to your voice while you guide my steps where you lead.
Oh, Monday what a day you have been. My first accomplishment of the day was watering the front yard and plants first thing in the morning before mom woke up. I cannot do that and watch mom at the same time so it could not have worked out better. My second accomplishment was I was able to fit in a leg workout while mom was with her Hospice Home aide. It seemed like shortly after that, mom was not herself and it may have had to do with her not feeling well when she woke up and not having a good start to the morning. As a result, we experienced moments of heightened emotions and frustration but we managed to adapt and regroup the best way we could and thankfully ended up having a good visit and lunch with my brother. It’s difficult during these moments because if I allow them, they will take over my attitude, tear me down, and leave me feeling defeated and like a failure. I do my best to re-direct my thoughts, pray, cry out in private, and breathe again. After lunch I was feeling like I still had some tension to release so I added in a few more leg exercises and literally worked it out of my system. I felt so much better afterward.
In the midst of all of this, I had on my to-do list to contact my pharmacy to look into a couple of issues with two of my prescriptions. It was a task that I was already anticipating to be a painstaking process but much to my surprise it was quite the opposite. The pharmacy technician Monica who assisted me went above and beyond to assist me with my concerns and also caught a mistake that my Physician had made when she submitted the dosage instructions for my oral tablet medication of steroids. In addition to this, she was also handling another issue with my other prescription which is my emergency steroid injection. Monica explained they couldn’t refill it because they didn’t have any supply on hand and she was informed that it was on backorder by the manufacturer until another month or more. After multiple telephone conversations between Monica and me, both of us contacting my Physician for her to correct her error, and Monica locating a supply of the emergency steroid injection, all was finally resolved mid-afternoon. I will receive both prescriptions as soon as tomorrow. I made the decision to call the Pharmacy Customer Service and explained to them what had transpired earlier with Monica and how she is an asset to their company and she deserved recognition for her amazing Customer Service skills.
Late afternoon into the evening has been normal and peaceful as it usually is. Most importantly, I’ve had some time for myself to calm my spirit and gather my thoughts as I write this. I’m constantly reminded to be thankful for each day no matter what is going on. To be thankful for everything which is a very long list but always includes the opportunity to take care of mom, the ability to own up to my mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and admit I was wrong, the motivation to push myself to be stronger physically, mentally, and spiritually, and the drive to continue to learn and grow.
The World of Dlo 