When I was first faced with the realization that I had lost more than half of my vision, it was obviously a devastating blow but in the grand scheme of
things, it was the least of my concerns. I had a disease that was now a part of me that was going to stay with me for the rest of my life. I still hadn’t
wrapped my head around that so dealing with my vision loss went on the back burner.
It was something that I just needed to get adjusted to and I did. At work, they were more than accommodating with adjusting my workspace with new monitors and adjusting the lights. I had to remind myself to slow down when I would walk because I tended to walk fast, especially around the office. Since my depth perception was off and I wouldn’t see obstacles that were on ground level I needed to be extra cautious. It did create a sense of anxiety whenever there were crowds, walking to the bus stops, and crossing busy streets.
Looking at me, no one can tell that I’m partially blind or that I have Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency. They are both invisible to the naked eye. I’ve never once defined myself as having a disability. I will never forget the first time the term “special needs” was used to describe me. It was meant to be a harmless joke, and everyone had a laugh. It continued to be a joke and I
continued to be the brunt of the joke at my expense. It was as if they saw me as weak so because I was different now, it was something to point out.
When I first started utilizing the VIA Para Trans transportation service, I remember feeling embarrassed when the vehicle would arrive at the house, the sound of the vehicle reversing would go off and alert the whole neighborhood they had arrived. Even when people found out I used VIA Para Trans it was almost a joke to them. They almost view it like what we used to say about the short bus when we were younger. I remember when I was in school and everyone including myself would make fun of the “short bus”. We all knew the type of people who used that bus. It wasn’t until I started using this service that I
learned that many individuals’ reasons for using this service weren’t always clear. They like me had challenges that weren’t obvious but invisible. You also
encounter those that have more obvious challenges. It humbles you and causes you to look inward and be grateful for your health and wellness and have
empathy for others.
We tend to put people in a box based on how we see them. I was with someone who couldn’t accept that after my brain tumor, I was no longer the same
physically. I truly believe they were embarrassed by me at times. I held myself back from asking for help because he felt it made him look bad. It was all
about how it made him feel and look. Never once considering my feelings or what would help me. I remember the day he told me he was leaving; he touched my arm and told me to move back home so someone could take care of me. I looked him in
the eye and told him hell no I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be just fine. He seriously thought I was going to be a lost cause because I was going to be alone. Oh, poor Ceci she’s helpless and is going to fall apart after I leave. The funny thing is that I felt a sense of empowerment after being alone. I could finally breathe, and it was literally all about me now was the time to do what I wanted and there was no holding me back. This only set the stage for what was to come.
Fast forward to the present day and I still feel empowered probably even more so. Even after moving back home and taking on being a caregiver to mom and dad. There were and probably still are those that may have viewed me as oh poor Ceci has no life and can’t drive, has health problems, and is just there taking care of her parents. Well, for one thing, I chose this on my own not fully understanding what I was getting myself into and many, many instances
questioning what the hell I was thinking and what the hell was I doing. Times of making mistakes, failing, getting frustrated, scared, feeling alone, doubting myself, etc. It’s been the most rewarding and challenging thing I’ve faced in my life. I’m freaking proud of myself for what I’ve been able to accomplish despite all the cards stacked against me, my health issues, and those things that people see as weaknesses. Don’t be fooled by what you think is weak, those are my superpowers, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I have my life and I’m doing things behind the scenes that no one knows nor will know until I feel the need to share it. I’ve learned not to share my goals or dreams because people will find a way to shoot them down just to make themselves feel better.
I’m encouraged to continue in this season of my life because I have faith in my Lord, and I know that there is more He has in store for me than I can ever imagine.
Stay tuned!
The World of Dlo 