Author: dloboss

The tendency to overthink and replay conversations in my head is a gift that I am not proud of. I will tell myself to let it go, but it will take a couple of days (sometimes longer) before it is entirely out of my system. Recently, I had a conversation with someone, and I was bothered by a comment they made about another agency’s business decision. I decided it was best to keep my opinion to myself rather than voice my disagreement on the subject. I thought about the situation the following days and tried to figure out if I should share my concerns and, if so, how to go about it without upsetting them. I did not want to overstep my bounds, but I wanted to express how wrong it would be if they confronted the other agency about their business practices.

On the third day of mulling this over, I was in the shower, and a thought came out of the blue. It almost felt like an immediate release to some degree. I had a possible resolution that seemed plausible and a positive approach. I was prepared to use this idea as soon as I could communicate with them during our following conversation. When the day arrived, I had the opportunity to speak to them about another subject, and in the midst of this, they brought up the concern. They remedied it without them even knowing how I felt about it. It was as if they maybe thought about it further and came to a different conclusion. I was amazed and relieved that I did not have to bring it up. However, I will keep my idea in my back pocket if they change their mind and return to their original plan. I will be better prepared for a response!

I often question why I put myself through all the stress and wasted energy in such situations. Just recently, I was doing the same thing when I was awaiting the results of a couple of MRIs that the Neurologist had ordered. I knew in my heart that they were going to come out normal. Although, part of me was hoping they would show some sort of abnormality because I am in search of answers to my current health issues. So, in the days following the MRIs, I constantly checked the patient portal to see if the results were posted. What can I say? I am a glutton for punishment. I was ultimately contacted by the imaging center, and they provided me with the results before the Neurologist’s office contacted me. The results came out normal, yet I was disappointed that I was left with no answers. Granted, this was just the first step in this process with the Neurologist, but I hoped it would be a short process.

So here I am, beginning the next step in this journey. My hope is that I approach this one with a different mindset. It would be great if a resolution to this came to me in the shower. One can hope.

Last night, there was a rainstorm that included hail and strong winds. I want to say that I may have heard something just as I was about to fall asleep, but I was too tired to get up to check. I thought I heard the sounds of the rain and winds and was thinking about what could be in the yard and blowing all over the place and into the neighbors’ yards. Luckily, I could not think of anything. In the morning, I looked out the backyard, and it didn’t appear that anything was out of place, and everything looked calm and quiet.

Last week seemed like a never-ending storm that was constantly blowing all around me, like I was in the middle of a torrential downpour of bullcrap, and it was raining all over me, and I was in no mood to sing. Instead, I had a couple of emotional meltdowns on the phone with the health insurance company and my doctor’s and specialists’ offices. I was yelling, crying, and getting all sorts of stressed out over what had been and was getting thrown my way. So, the week did not end on the best note. Hello Monday. What do you have in store for me today? To start off my day, I had to mentally prepare for the telemedicine appointment with my Primary Dr because I needed to catch her up on what had transpired recently with the insurance because her role is required to set the next steps in motion for the process of me getting some MRI’s completed. Amazingly, the conversation went better than expected, and her office did not waste any time sending the MRI order to the imaging center.

One down, a couple more to go. I called the insurance back to confirm if they needed the MRI order from my Primary Dr faxed to them. Again, I need to mentally prepare myself for this conversation due to the complications I faced with them last week. Much to my amazement, this go around went rather well, to say the least. I was informed that the insurance did not require authorization for the MRI after all, and I was left speechless because, before today, that was the whole issue. I was told initially that I could not get an MRI without prior authorization, and so on and so forth. I can get my two MRIs done without any referral, and I could not be more pleased with this outcome.

The final step required me to call the imaging center to see if they had any openings before my scheduled MRI appointment this Saturday. I informed them I would go to any of their locations in town. Please and thank you. Well, what do you know? They have an opening on Thursday, so guess what? Put me down. I am there already! After this final call, I felt a little weight lifted off my shoulders. I literally could feel it being slowly lifted.

As the day continued, I conversed through the patient portal with my Endocrinologist’s office to inform her of what had been transpiring. She treats me for my diseases of Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency and Hypothyroidism. After conversing with my neurologist’s office, she brought up my thyroid issues, and I wanted to present a question to my endocrinologist about the neurologist’s thought process. I was impressed because I received a response within a matter of minutes that she was ordering some blood work ASAP. I ordered a Lyft driver and made my way to the facility to get my blood drawn.

At this moment, I feel it might be safe to begin to come up for air—not all the way, but in slow, cautious, and intentional movements.

To Be Continued.

How do you look beyond a bad day that involves dealing with forces bigger than you? Forces are the health insurance companies and doctor’s offices. I unexpectedly found myself in the urgent care clinic a month ago today because, out of the blue, I started feeling sick while at a dentist’s appointment. It was something that just came over me as I was sitting in the waiting room. I had been feeling fine and had no inclination that I was coming down with anything before this moment. So, while at the clinic, they tested me for the flu and COVID-19, and both tests came out negative. The Doctor stated I may have caught a virus or infection and to rest, take pain medication as needed, drink plenty of fluids, and sent me on my way. The following days I found myself feeling worse and existing on the couch not able to do much. I would force myself to get up and try to do simple tasks, and just as I was thinking maybe I could shake it off, the symptoms would remind me they were not going anywhere.

The Monday following the clinic visit, I experienced chest pains I hadn’t experienced before, in the back of an ambulance and on my way to the ER. I also had a series of adrenal crisis episodes (I have Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency) from the moment EMS picked me up and also a few more at the hospital. They admitted me into the hospital immediately, and unfortunately, I had to stay in the ER holding until a room was available more than 24 hours later. During my hospitalization, they ran a series of tests and blood work, ruled out any cardiological issues, and ruled out any strokes and seizures. I pretty much knew all the tests that were performed would be negative. I am pretty healthy for the most part, aside from my Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency, Panhypopituitarism, Hypothyroidism, and high blood pressure, which are managed daily. I rarely get sick with a cold or flu, so experiencing this was abnormal. My symptoms were fatigue, muscle weakness, muscle aches, tingling, numbness, and pain. In addition, my neck is sore, and it feels like I am having difficulty holding my head up because it feels heavy. I have difficulty concentrating and have blurry vision at times. I also feel like my mobility is unstable as if I am walking lopsided.

Upon discharge from the hospital, I followed up with my primary physician, who referred me to a neurologist and a rheumatologist. If you are familiar with this process, it can be daunting to confirm that the specialists accept your insurance and get an appointment that is not months out. I was able to get an appointment to see the neurologist the following week after seeing my primary doctor, so I was pleased. The Neurologist immediately ordered some blood work and also an order for two different MRI tests to check my neck and spine. I completed the blood work immediately following my appointment. The process of scheduling the MRI tests has been challenging, to say the least, and I think the most stressful part so far, aside from the symptoms I am experiencing.

I have spent hours on the phone with my insurance company, multiple calls to the radiology centers to check for any cancellations so I can get an earlier appointment, sending messages to my Primary and Neurologist through the patient portals, having a friend fax a document to my Primary Dr. I found out yesterday that after I had scheduled the MRI appointment that my insurance did not have a record of an MRI referral because my Primary Dr office never sent a copy to my insurance company. Needless to say, I had a meltdown on the phone with my insurance company because it was hard enough to get an appointment, only to find out the MRI tests cannot be done before the pre-authorization is approved by my insurance. As it stands right now, I have a telemed appointment with my Primary on Monday just so she can fax the MRI order to my insurance and start the pre-authorization process. Even though they received not one but two faxed copies (one from my neurologist’s office) of my MRI order early this afternoon, they insisted that I wait until Monday before they proceed. I am forced to play the game and jump through the hoops.

After my conversation with the insurance company this morning, I was even more drained and felt worse than I did when I started my day. So much so that due to my adrenal insufficiency and the stress of the situation, I needed to double my regular steroid dosage so I would not have an adrenal crisis. I was telling myself not today. After taking my medication, I ate something and did my best to relax and rest for a couple of hours. I have found that my mobility has slowed at this point, so I have to pace myself with the simplest tasks even while working from home because I have to pace myself and do things in stages. One of the things the Neurologist suspects is that it could be a virus that I contracted. We still have no answers until she completes the tests she wants to order. I am still waiting for the rheumatologist referral order to go through the process, so that will be the next step if necessary.

This is not my first rodeo when it comes to healing with health issues, so this is not unfamiliar territory. After experiencing my brain tumor back in 2007, I have plenty of experience through the years of dealing with various doctors, specialists, and insurance companies. One aspect that I do not like is feeling vulnerable and weak. On the day I was experiencing the chest pains, I was literally trying to tell myself it was not happening and I was going to shake it off. I even began to cook dinner and put chicken breast on the stove. The more I moved, the stronger the chest pains came on, and I called my cousin to come to the house to take me to the ER.

I have been thinking about the events that have transpired so far, and the words that come to my mind are pivot and reset. Before the initial event of the clinic visit, I had been contemplating decisions to make regarding what I wanted to do during this next stage in my life. I was beginning to test the waters of various opportunities, and suddenly, this happened and put a pause on everything. I wondered if this was God’s way of getting my attention and telling me to stop because I was getting ahead of myself. My current situation leaves me with no choice but to be still and wait, which is not in my nature. It also reminds me that despite what people may say or think or the unsolicited opinions thrown my way, it does not matter because I answer to only myself and God. I will continue to focus on God because I know He is in control, and only He can bring me through this valley.

My peace comes first.

Through the years, I knew my mom liked to write notes while attending Bible study, Church sermons, and watching her favorite preachers on TV. I saved the ones I would come across and put them in some storage bins because I knew I wanted to keep them. After she passed in September 2023, I came across more writings on index cards or just random pieces of paper while going through her belongings. Just yesterday, I was cleaning my office space, moved my desk, and noticed that a small piece of paper had fallen behind it. I picked it up, and it was one of my mom’s writings. It took my breath away because the heading at the top stated, “When trouble comes against you, encourage yourself.”

I have been dealing with unexplained health issues that led me to an urgent care clinic visit, ER, and then ultimately admitted into the hospital three weeks ago. They performed a series of tests only to come up with no answers but more questions. I continue to experience the same symptoms from when this all began, and it feels like they are progressively getting worse. After a recent follow-up with my Primary Physician, she referred me to a Neurologist and a Rheumatologist. This is the next step in finding answers to my questions.

I remember seeing this particular piece of paper on my desk, but it was folded up, and for whatever reason, I hadn’t opened it, just moved it from one spot to another. I read it and began crying because I could hear my mom telling me this. After a couple of meltdowns on the phone with the insurance company and various medical offices, I was frustrated and broken. The timing of coming upon this note was nothing short of divine intervention because I needed this reminder and encouragement.

I will keep this note close to me as a reminder that although I am weak, He is strong and in control.

This is my birdbath and bird seed storage bin. This is not the original birdbath, but a replacement from a few years ago after my dad accidentally knocked the other one over. Through the years, mom and dad always made sure the birdbath was filled and birdseed was put out for the birds. They enjoyed seeing the birds and squirrels come and overtake the yard. We would get different kinds of birds that I honestly could not tell you the species other than the usual black crows and what I think are pigeons (we called them gorditas because they look chunky).

If you took the time to watch them, you could see the personalities of each species as they interacted with each other. It could be entertaining to watch them as they would puff up to try and get to the food first even though it was spread all over the yard. There was plenty of room and food for everyone but there was always those few who would bully the others for territory.

My mom would constantly clean out the original birdbath which was white in color. She would get comet and literally scrub it down and rinse it out until it was to her liking. The time came when she or my dad were not physically able to fill the birdbath or put out the birdseed, so I took over the job. I told myself I was not going to clean out the birdbath like she did with Comet.

Well, that did not last. I ended up doing the same thing and carrying on the tradition of cleaning the birdbath to her standards. After my dad passed, I carried on the task for mom because I think she enjoyed the birds more than dad did and it made her happy to see the birds visiting us and truth be told I did too.

After mom passed a year and a half ago, I stopped putting water in the birdbath, cleaning it, and putting birdseed out. I do not know if that was my way of grieving because it was something that I did for mom and dad that brought them joy and I figured what was the point of it now. I could not tell you how long this went on until I snapped out of it. One day it hit me that it brought me joy too. I missed doing this simple thing of providing food and water for the birds. Seeing the cardinals come around make me feel like it’s mom and dad coming to visit me. So I have no choice but to continue this task so they can see that I am continuing their tradition.

On a side note, I have not been well for the past two weeks and ended up in the hospital recently. Upon my discharge, I still have no answers but left with more questions and still not feeling right. My primary physician is attempting to explore additional opinions and has submitted referrals to two different specialists. I have not been able to put food or water out for the birds in a while, but today despite not feeling great I decided it was time. I went outside put food, water, I do not quite have the energy to clean out the birdbath but I did rinse it out and refill it. Physically, I was forcing myself to perform this simple task, but despite that I see one lone cardinal in the birdbath. That was all I needed.

The feeling of being unable to breathe is an instance in life when we can feel like we are suffocating, drowning, and trapped. I have had too many instances where I have experienced this throughout my life. I especially experienced this before I moved from Texas to Colorado where I felt unfulfilled and unhappy both personally and professionally. I could not breathe, and I felt claustrophobic until an unexpected opportunity was presented to me to move to Colorado and without even thinking about it I just did it. That was so unlike me, and I had never done anything like that before, but I was so desperate that I did not think twice. I just jumped and I never looked back. I resided in Colorado for 20 years until I could not breathe again to the point where my life was draining out of me.

The beginning of January 2017 involved the culmination of events that led to my decision to choose life over death. The first week of the year involved me passing out at work. I had many ongoing medical issues that were just accumulating and getting worse until my body could not take it anymore. This was an obvious sign that I needed to take a step back from work because this was one of the biggest causes of stress in my life and it was affecting my health. Little did I know that a step back was eventually going to be me resigning from my 11-year employment at the Summit County Sheriff’s Office. That was one of the toughest decisions I have ever had to make. It was hard but I knew that this time I had to choose my life over the job.

In early Spring 2017, my Cardiologist put me on oxygen due to the temporary drop in oxygen saturation I experienced during sleep. I had to use oxygen while I slept which was annoying. I had the big oxygen tank with the extra-long oxygen tubes and the whole nine yards. I did not realize that my oxygen levels went down while I slept but it was low enough for me to be on oxygen. After starting the oxygen, I started getting nosebleeds. I had never had nosebleeds before. Now when I say nosebleeds, it was more like a waterfall coming out of my nose that would not stop, and nothing I would do like what they suggested leaning my head back and pinching my nose never worked because I would choke on my own blood if I leaned my head back. These episodes were a situation that immediately became serious because I have Secondary Adrenal Insufficiency. As a result, my body does not produce Cortisol which is the stress hormone. One of Cortisol’s most important jobs is to help our bodies respond to any type of stress including illness, emotional or physical stresses, injury, or trauma increasing cortisol production up to ten times the normal amount. During any type of emergency, we must receive an immediate injection of steroids, or our bodies will go into adrenal crisis, causing coma or heart failure and eventually death. Without proper and immediate treatment an adrenal crisis can become fatal. I must have my emergency kit on hand at all times which contains a vial of Solu-Cortef (Hydrocortisone) 100mg which needs to be administered intramuscularly in addition to going to the ER.

During this situation with my nosebleed, I was unable to give myself the injection due to me trying to keep myself leaning over the kitchen or bathroom sink to avoid blood going all over everything. I had no choice but to wait until EMS arrived for them to administer the injection. I had to do my best to keep myself calm and awake because I could feel life draining out of me. They administered the injection and transported me to the ER. The ER Physician took care of the bleeding and then released me. At this point, it was 4am or 5am in the morning, and I did not have a way to get home. Summit County had just started getting Uber/Lyft in our area, but they were not around that early in the morning. The free bus transportation was available but out of the question because I was having issues walking much less walking long distances. Thankfully, one of the EMTs that had brought me in the ambulance said they would give me a ride home. I believe the reason he offered was because he knew I worked for the Sheriff’s Office.

Once I got home, I attempted to rest and get some sleep then suddenly I started getting another nosebleed. The last thing I remember doing was going to my kitchen and I picked up the phone, dialed 911, and just said help and I laid down on the floor. That was all I remember because I lost consciousness. Luckily, one of the Sheriff’s Deputies happened to be in the area and came to the rescue. After the EMTs administered the emergency injection, I came to and found myself in the back of the ambulance and I remember crying and saying aloud that I was done, tired and over this and wanted my life to be over. The two ambulance techs that were on either side of me at the end of the stretcher were talking to each other and I realized that at that moment they were too involved in their own conversation they were not paying attention to me or hearing what I said. That was a good thing otherwise they would have placed a M1 hold on me and that would have caused a whole different outcome in this situation that would not have been ideal for me. The good thing about this trip to the ER was the ER Physician cauterized one of the blood vessels in my nose and that resolved the problem. From that point on, I had to use a face mask instead of the nasal cannulas and add a humidifier to the oxygen tank.

Throughout the rest of the year, at every turn, I was hitting all these obstacles of health issues from my heart and blood pressure, issues with debilitating muscular pain in my legs and arms, my disease, my medications, etc. I could not win no matter what I did. In August 2017, I made my decision to resign from the Sheriff’s Office. As mentioned before, it was one of the toughest decisions but also one of the best decisions. I could not physically work a full-time job but wanted to find something part-time. Luckily for me, I found a part-time job at a Wellness Spa that was a positive change and no stress. Then a few months later, I received a call from the Dillon Police Department and had the opportunity to help them out part-time until they found a full-time person until the end of the year. I ended my employment with Wellness Spa to pursue a position at the Dillon Police Department. After my temporary position at the Dillon Police Department ended, I was unemployed at the start of 2018. In my job search, I found a part-time job 10-15 hours a week at an Oil & Gas company that was an Administrative Assistant position that was chill and easy. I absolutely loved it. I also located another job working at an Appliance Repair company two days a week from home that consisted of Administrative Assistant duties, Receptionist, and Scheduling appointments. It was perfect because I had always dreamed of working from home. I continued to work both part-time jobs but I was still battling my health issues and they were only getting worse.

By the Spring of 2018, I knew that I had to make another life-altering decision. I was experiencing those same feelings as I did before I left Texas unfulfilled, unhappy, and defeated, but this time my life was hanging in the balance. In March 2018, I came to visit my mom for her birthday, and during my visit, I could feel something inside of me telling me that I needed to move back home not only for my health but to take care of my parents. I needed to get my life and health in order because I had a purpose now. This is one of the few times in my life where I felt confident this was a decision that I needed to make and put into motion as soon as possible. I did not mention anything to my family at this point because I did not know the specifics of how, who, what, or where. I was just focused on getting back to Colorado so I could set my plans into motion. When I spoke to my landlord, I had to give him a date that I would be out of the apartment. For some reason, the date of July 1st was the date I had in my mind that I would be in Texas. I told him I would be out of the apartment at the end of June. Once I started on my list of tasks, things started falling into place with first using the UPS Store to ship my belongings to my parent’s house. I also sold my furniture, so I did not have to worry about how I was going to have those transported. My landlord found someone to lease my apartment which happened to be one of my friend’s mother-in-law. I managed to take care of everything I needed before moving and my last day in Colorado was June 28^th. On June 28, 2018, I suddenly started to feel like I could breathe again.

Have you ever walked by something in your home that has been there for a while, and then one day, something in that space gets your attention and stops you dead in your tracks? Well, this happened this morning as I walked out of my home office/gym room and looked up at the makeshift vision board on the wall. I can’t remember when I found this article, but it spoke to me enough to cut it out and hold onto it.

I was just sharing with my sister that the plants I did have are gone, and come springtime, I hope to get a few more to start over again. It’s a good thing our personal growth garden can be nurtured and maintained, and constant growth can occur year-round, no matter what season we are in!

Once upon a time, she went exploring, not knowing what was on the other side. Like a bird leaving the nest for the first time, learning how to fly, breathing on her own for the first time, this adventure had only a wing and a prayer. So where does she go? She goes high on top of the mountains, where you can reach out and touch the sky.

Why not? She knows it’s time and long past due no better time. Just do it, they say, but she didn’t think they were talking about her. It finally spoke to her for some reason, and she was obliged. The first step begins with the job, which is a safe bet, the most comfortable choice, which sets the stage for questionable risky bets to the climatic last step in the career journey. Everything between the stages has conflict, betrayal, embarrassment, criticism, jealousy, confusion, admonishment, rewards, challenges, and many more plots and twists to count.

She had a few of those same plots and twists, some not worth mentioning in the relationships she picked up along the road. Looking for love in all the wrong places was an understatement. She found herself in questionable places and with the wrong types. Sometimes, she would devour and discard the scraps, but other times, she was devoured and left alone to lick her wounds. The odds are good, but the goods are odd. Nice to meet you; what is your name? Depression, bipolar disorder, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. She was clueless, and the light didn’t turn on until it was too late.

It was late, but better late than never. She lived, learned, picked herself off the ground, and survived. She was successful in her career, but choosing between the job and her life was now down to the wire. Her personal life and health were in disarray, but she knew the answer. She moved on, and once again, that no-fear mentality rose from the grave. From that point on, she was unstoppable despite not being clear what was up ahead, she did a fly dive into the air and flew like an eagle on a mission.

If you have known me for more than 30 years, then you will recognize this place. For those who do not know, it was my Church back when I was in my mid-teens to early twenties. It has not been the same Church in over 20 years. After moving back home almost 7 years ago and not having been in a “Church” in about the same amount of time, I felt something inside telling me I needed to get back, but I had no idea where to go. I then noticed that the building was still there but was a different Church. My inner voice told me that I needed to return to this place even though it was apparent it was not the same Church. The building drew me back, but I honestly was hesitant to step foot in there for fear there would be a lightning strike. Therefore, I would sit in the very last row in the back. I did this for quite a while until the ushers insisted that people sit closer to the front. I would only move a couple of rows in front of me at a time. After encouragement from people in my Sunday School, I ended up sitting closer to the front than I had planned.

I have been attending since 2019, and when COVID hit, it was closed for a while, and they would primarily stream the services. With my responsibilities to take care of mom and dad, this became more convenient for me. Even after the Church was opened again for in-person services, I continued to stream. It was not until maybe six months after my mom’s passing in September 2023 that I began to attend Church again since I was alone and did not have any excuses. It was hard to get used to being around people and crowds, and it was not large crowds by any means, but there were more people than I was used to being around at once.

It was not until recently that I thought about sitting on the balcony because the original pews were still up there. The pictures attached to this post I took when I first sat upstairs. As I sat there looking around, I felt a flood of memories come over me.  Memories from more than 30 years ago, a different time, place, people, atmosphere. I sometimes struggled, feeling like I was back in school, where I wanted to be part of the “in” crowd. Looking back, it was the most ridiculous thing to feel that way, and the lengths I would go to feel seen and acknowledged. A desperate need to feel like I have friends. I am embarrassed that I even felt and acted that way. During this moment, good memories also made their way in and, most importantly, comfort. I felt so at peace sitting there that I texted these photos to one of my previous Youth pastors that I had during that time. I felt the need to share with someone who could relate and possibly they would have a flood of memories and mixed emotions upon looking at the photos.

I now make it a point to go straight up to the balcony when I attend Church to go to my quiet place amid the crowds.