Author: dloboss

Once upon a time, she went exploring, not knowing what was on the other side. Like a bird leaving the nest for the first time, learning how to fly, breathing on her own for the first time, this adventure had only a wing and a prayer. So where does she go? She goes high on top of the mountains, where you can reach out and touch the sky.

Why not? She knows it’s time and long past due no better time. Just do it, they say, but she didn’t think they were talking about her. It finally spoke to her for some reason, and she was obliged. The first step begins with the job, which is a safe bet, the most comfortable choice, which sets the stage for questionable risky bets to the climatic last step in the career journey. Everything between the stages has conflict, betrayal, embarrassment, criticism, jealousy, confusion, admonishment, rewards, challenges, and many more plots and twists to count.

She had a few of those same plots and twists, some not worth mentioning in the relationships she picked up along the road. Looking for love in all the wrong places was an understatement. She found herself in questionable places and with the wrong types. Sometimes, she would devour and discard the scraps, but other times, she was devoured and left alone to lick her wounds. The odds are good, but the goods are odd. Nice to meet you; what is your name? Depression, bipolar disorder, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. She was clueless, and the light didn’t turn on until it was too late.

It was late, but better late than never. She lived, learned, picked herself off the ground, and survived. She was successful in her career, but choosing between the job and her life was now down to the wire. Her personal life and health were in disarray, but she knew the answer. She moved on, and once again, that no-fear mentality rose from the grave. From that point on, she was unstoppable despite not being clear what was up ahead, she did a fly dive into the air and flew like an eagle on a mission.

If you have known me for more than 30 years, then you will recognize this place. For those who do not know, it was my Church back when I was in my mid-teens to early twenties. It has not been the same Church in over 20 years. After moving back home almost 7 years ago and not having been in a “Church” in about the same amount of time, I felt something inside telling me I needed to get back, but I had no idea where to go. I then noticed that the building was still there but was a different Church. My inner voice told me that I needed to return to this place even though it was apparent it was not the same Church. The building drew me back, but I honestly was hesitant to step foot in there for fear there would be a lightning strike. Therefore, I would sit in the very last row in the back. I did this for quite a while until the ushers insisted that people sit closer to the front. I would only move a couple of rows in front of me at a time. After encouragement from people in my Sunday School, I ended up sitting closer to the front than I had planned.

I have been attending since 2019, and when COVID hit, it was closed for a while, and they would primarily stream the services. With my responsibilities to take care of mom and dad, this became more convenient for me. Even after the Church was opened again for in-person services, I continued to stream. It was not until maybe six months after my mom’s passing in September 2023 that I began to attend Church again since I was alone and did not have any excuses. It was hard to get used to being around people and crowds, and it was not large crowds by any means, but there were more people than I was used to being around at once.

It was not until recently that I thought about sitting on the balcony because the original pews were still up there. The pictures attached to this post I took when I first sat upstairs. As I sat there looking around, I felt a flood of memories come over me.  Memories from more than 30 years ago, a different time, place, people, atmosphere. I sometimes struggled, feeling like I was back in school, where I wanted to be part of the “in” crowd. Looking back, it was the most ridiculous thing to feel that way, and the lengths I would go to feel seen and acknowledged. A desperate need to feel like I have friends. I am embarrassed that I even felt and acted that way. During this moment, good memories also made their way in and, most importantly, comfort. I felt so at peace sitting there that I texted these photos to one of my previous Youth pastors that I had during that time. I felt the need to share with someone who could relate and possibly they would have a flood of memories and mixed emotions upon looking at the photos.

I now make it a point to go straight up to the balcony when I attend Church to go to my quiet place amid the crowds.

At this point in my life, I am all about the little things and celebrating any accomplishment, big or small. I think that small steps lead to more significant changes. I keep receiving confirmation from different avenues that I need to focus on the Lord, and He will guide me in my steps. It is not like I did not already believe this, but right now, when I am debating on what I should do professionally, this is ringing loud to keep my focus and move forward no matter who or what is attempting to distract me.

It is not even a week into the month, and so far, I have had my start-of-the-year follow-up appointments with my Primary Physician and my Endocrinologist. The good news is that all the lab work that was ordered came back good, with the exception of a couple of things. We are continuing to make strides to keep those conditions associated with my Adrenal Insufficiency manageable. My health is now a top priority, and that goes hand in hand with my mental and spiritual health.

Here is to making little changes that will have a significant impact!

I utilize the VIA Para transportation service, and I will usually have different drivers, but occasionally, I will encounter a familiar face. Recently, a driver asked me, as soon as I entered the vehicle, if I still worked at a place he remembered taking me to. His question threw me off because of the place he mentioned I had not worked at in over two years. Unfortunately, he did not look familiar to me, so my memory was not serving me well then. He explained that as soon as I started talking, he remembered me and my personality and that I looked different. At that moment, my thought was whether this could be a good or bad thing. He had just picked me up from the gym, so I was not looking my best. He also remembered me often telling funny stories about my mom and dad and being their caregiver. As the conversation continued, I relaxed and realized this was a good thing.

This encounter made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. It was a reminder that while I am on the transportation service, which, due to being a rideshare, can be a quick trip or an hour and a half to two hours long, to take the time to share a friendly hello and thank you to the driver and conversation if the driver is open to it. I never know who I will encounter on my trips, but I hope to brighten someone’s day with a smile, hello, and thank you.

It’s taken me a while to get the motivation to write anything, to put words together, and to filter my thoughts to make sense of them. I have yet to figure out where to begin due to the battle that is ongoing in my mind. I am almost willing to admit it might be easier to sort through the present and work my way back. Maybe, just maybe, feeling vulnerable enough to share.

Stay tuned.

I completed an energy assessment at my house last fall, and in the process, I was informed of a weatherization program offered through City Public Service. Due to other priorities at the time, I had to place this on hold. Recently, while thinking about preparing the house for winter, I thought of completing the application. After my application submission, I received a call that I qualified for the program. Another home assessment was scheduled, and they stated that they could install insulation throughout the house and attic, replace an old wall heater, and replace the front door.

Upon hearing this news, I was beyond elated and grateful that this would be possible. This house was built in 1959, and the original structure, windows, and doors are all original. The house was never well insulated, so we always had A/C wall units to use in the summer and winter space heaters in each room, except for old wall heaters in the living room and bathroom that I remember using when I was younger.

Over the last 5 years, we have replaced the roof, part of the original plumbing underneath the house, a new water heater, and other minor maintenance issues that arose, but other than that, this house has stood the test of time. The life changes of my parents no longer here bring many instances of reflection on the impact that this house has had on my life, especially over the last six years that I have been living in it. Thankfully, I can continue residing in this home thanks to my parents.

With the circumstances over the last couple of years, I feel an even stronger sense of being under construction. On November 26, 2022, after my dad passed, my foundation began to crack and showed signs of disintegrating. On September 4, 2023, after the passing of my mom, my foundation collapsed and was reduced to nearly nothing. When you reach that point, one wonders what, if anything, was salvageable. There have been too many times in my life that I have lost count when I have been stripped down to the core and did not see any light or hope for my future. Then suddenly little by little signs of life would reappear and each time a new blueprint was designed for the next rebuild. Currently, there is another blueprint in the works being created for me and I wait in anticipation of what it reveals.

So, a caution to all. I am still under construction.